Create Your Own Afterlife

If The Lovely Bones is true, you get to choose what you see and what happens on the other side once you die...
What would your Afterlife be?
Mine would be that I eat without guilt, yet still stay stick thin.
It would be that my boyfriend actually wants to marry me.
And that I be physically worthy of him...
It would be that my father had stayed present throughout my life, and that I didn't just start to know him in the months before he died.
It would be that I know and love who I am.
And that I am able to love without fear, and my goal weight is always where I am.

******~~******

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want from myself...
And I've come to the conclusion that I want to be a complete person before I die.
I want to have experienced all that I can.
I want to gain confidence in myself from each and every bad experience, knowing that I had survived.
I want every good experience to be remembered forever, and I want to take nothing for granted.

I want my boyfriend to feel comfortable enough with me to want me forever.

Above all, though, I want to feel like I deserve to be wanted by him...

He is perfect in every way possible, and he deserves nothing less than equal perfection from me.
I can't be perfect until I feel like I am.
And I can't feel like I am until I am comfortable in my own skin.
Until I'm able to stomach seeing myself in the mirror every day.

This may not be what you want to hear...
We NEVER have sex anymore...
Is it because he's not interested?
No.
It's because every time he makes an advance, or even touches my sides to pull me in for a kiss, All I can see is my disgusting, fat body convulsing beneath him, expanding with every inhale, and not shrinking nearly enough with the exhales.
I am reminded of the fact that I haven't been able to enjoy sex for 2 years now, because the entire time we're doing it, I'm focusing on making myself look thinner on the off chance that he should look down and see my mountainous stomach rolls spilling out onto the bed and wiggling like gelatin with every thrust.
I love him with everything that I am, and I don't want him to doubt that because of my recent lack of interest in sex...

I'm losing control that I never knew I had...
Since my last post about my new highest weight, I've managed to gain 2 lbs and lose it again minus .10 lb.
Even that minor success is enough to keep me going...
I've been getting used to not eating again, but not on purpose.
I just can't think about food...
When the only emotion I feel is depressed or, worse, regret and guilt, food seems to slip to the back of my mind...

I'm going to weigh in the morning, and I'm hoping to the God I don't believe in that I've lost...
Even another .10 lb would be nice... At least then I'd know I was making progress.

I can't post any thinspo this time, but only because my brother is sitting right next to me and could see the pictures any time... Words blur together when you're not paying attention, but pictures draw your attention.
I love you all
xoxo

Dear Ana,

I'm very good at being a bad blogger.
I post once every like month or so.
Then, when I do post, All I do is complain about how horribly I've behaved whilst I was gone.
I need to post more, because I always do better when I'm constantly on here.
I loved the advice and ideas you guys gave me, especially the ideas from Piggy and *b.
I'd like to combine the two... I will eat healthy things, but still only eat meager amounts.
Plus, I've started a vitamin regimen.
Once all this shit with the asshole nutritionist gets settled, I might hire a Personal Trainer, but I don't know.
I also NEED to get back to the gym.
I'm paying for the membership for a reason, and I need to take advantage of it.
I'll restart my cardio and weight training programs slowly, so I don't hurt myself.
I'm still open and hopeful for any more advice you all can give.
I love you all so much!

Back To Square Uno...

You read it right. I'm above my highest weight now...
181.9 to be exact. [with clothes on, but who cares. That number is unacceptable.]

I hired a nutritionist who says I need to eat every 4 hours, and exercise every day.
I'm fine with the exercising part... It's the eating that bugs me.
I knew I'd gain if I was allowed to eat.
I FUCKING KNEW IT.

I tried to tell him I didn't want to meet with him anymore... Then the bastard reminded me that I signed a 3 month contract, so I'm stuck unless I want to pay my way out of it. Which I can't do.
I need to lose weight, but at this point, I don't even feel like i can anymore.
Every time I try to fast, I binge.
Every time I try to do it the healthy way, I gain.
I can't stand this endless cycle anymore

Do you remember earlier this year when I said that I wanted to be thin by this time?
Well, you can all see that I more than failed.

I've been living off of protein shakes and oatmeal... yet still I gain?!
...WTF...
I seriously am about ready to slice open my stomach and rip out the fat with my bare fucking hands.
I've done nothing productive since I've been gone, so I won't even try to tell you that I've accomplished something.
I need to escape.
I need to go back to being the depressed, suicidal girl I was in 9th grade.
At least then I was skinny.

Hunger fucks everything up.
Screw biology.
Screw anatomy.
Screw everything.
I need to be skinny. I miss my fucking hipbones.
Even my neck feels huge...
I want my collar bones back...

I need advice. If you have any, I want to hear how you guys all get back on track when you fall off the wagon. I want to hear any and everything that helps you girls when you're feeling the way I do now.
A girl I went to school with did the make-up in this picture. I'll post pictures of the girl herself below.
vvvvvvvvvvv

These next few photos are of a girl with whom I went to school. She's absolutely perfect in every way, and I can honestly say that I wish I was her...

She is perfect, and the ultimate inspiration!

Bad News.

I gained 10 lbs... Yeah, you read that right, 10.
The whole 'control myself' thing hasn't worked out so great for the past few weeks.
I almost made it 24 hours without food yesterday, but then around 5 I had a bowl of chili with toast and cheese.
Then this morning I made an egg, bacon, cheese english muffin sandwich.
Then I had 3 cookies...

So Shameful.

The good news??
I got a new job, which pays more than my old job, and so I'm getting my gym membership back.
Going to go erryday. No exceptions.
I won't live like this anymore.
Time to get my ass in gear and just do it already

Super mega thinspo time! since I have been away for so long

Dear Ana,

First things first, I'm once again, the only sober person in my house right now.
Miana, Thank you so much for your comments and sweet words =] They made me smile.
I've actually never heard of food porn, but I must admit, it sounds a bit gross...

I haven't eaten since about 4 today, I woke up and immediately shoved a handful of cookies in my fat mouth.
UGH.
someone's coming, be back later

I Hate

Being the only sober person at my house.
I would be drunk right now if the alcohol didn't make me nauseous.
Of course I don't blame them all for doing their thing and having fun.
It's just the pot that bothers me.
I don't know why, I just can't stand it.
And even my mother smoked it.
She knows I hate it
My sister knows I hate it
Everyone here knows I hate it, yet they still do it around me.
I leave the room or shut down and stop talking.
Then they ask me what's wrong...
Like, Seriously???
You really fucking have to ask?
I'm tired of the drama of two girls fighting over my brother.
He's interested in neither of them.
They just act like it's a competition and he gets stressed out over the whole thing. And majorly annoyed.
My best friend/sister just lost her baby.
She was 5 fucking months pregnant
And the baby died at 7 weeks and 2 days.
I still wish my boyfriend would talk about marriage, but every time I try, he just shrugs 'I dunno'
I know he's not trying to freak me out, but it makes me feel like I can't bring it up for fear of him getting freaked out.
And I can't help but think that he would want to marry me if I was worth it.
No one wants to marry the fat girl
No one wants to watch a blimp in a white dress lumber down an aisle for which she is too large.
Not even the guests at said hypothetical wedding would want to watch such a thing.
I'm seriously no fun.
I can't get drunk anymore because the alcohol makes me sick
I do not, and will not smoke weed
And I'm not entertained by the same things my friends are.
I hate it because my little sister is the one whose willing to mold herself to fit.
Therefore, she's the fun one.
Almost all of my friends have begun hanging out and calling her instead of me.
Friends I've had since fucking middle school are now 'besties' with my fucking 16 year old sister.
And then she acts like I have no right to be sad about it.
I'm losing my friends to my own sister.
I used to hear things straight from them.
Now I hear them from my sister, after they've told her.
And that's not even the worst part.
Even she acts like I'm not a person worth being around.
She turns to my old friends with problems that she used to come to me about.
She'll be hanging out at my house WITH ME, but no friends and say, "I'm bored, I hate being alone. No one's around."
Like Who the fuck am I?
Yes, I'm jealous, but I feel like I have the right to be.
And if my sister sees this, and hears that I'm jealous, she'll show it off even more.
She talks about my old friends as if I don't fucking know them.
She tells me things about them that I definitely already know, and knew years before she did.
She'll just be worse if she finds out that I miss my old friends being MY friends.
Now, to them, I'm 'Aryn's sister'
It definitely used to be the other way around.
She finds out I'm upset, and she'll be HAPPY about it.
You may say, no she wouldn't, but you don't know her like I do.
She THRIVES on my upsets, because she spent so long being jealous of me that now that she has what I used to have, and still want, she'll be fucking THRILLED.
Again, don't even try to argue.
I know her, and that's simply how she is.
I know I sound petty and ungrateful, and I'm sorry for putting that on you girls.
I just have no one to talk to, because the people I'm surrounded by don't see any problem.
I don't expect them to.

I suppose I should stop ranting now...
It may be worth mentioning that I haven't eaten since about 4:30 or 5 this evening.
My goal is to go until that time tomorrow before eating anything.
We'll see how that goes.
I like posie's rule about not eating after 8 pm every night.
I think that's rather reasonable and would be easy to follow.
Love you girls, Stay strong!

Dear Ana,

Thank you guys all for your sweet comments on my last post.
I like your idea Mich, I think that will do really well for me in the future.
I just need to find a way to cool it and not think about food as much.
I'm guessing that that is easier said than done.
Though, I have faith that I can do it.

I must needs self control.
i got a bunch of people at my house right now, so I gotta go lol
Love you guys!