Just Thinspo

I just need the extra motivation today, I figured I may as well share it =]

A Proper Update

In reply to the comments I've received since starting work:

Peri : I wouldn't imagine that laxative dependence would be fun, but I imagine I've come close in the past. I used to take them every night so that I would be empty before weighing the next morning. I didn't know about the water retention thing though. I makes sense, just never connected the dots.
Yeah, my job is completely stressful. I was reprimanded for not making enough sales yesterday, and I came home in tears because I DO NOT like being yelled at... Or even talked to sternly. Everyone I know says the same thing, that I need to start looking somewhere else for a job... And I agree, especially since it's only the 3rd week I've even worked there, and I'm already coming home crying.
No. Bueno.

Honor : The recruiter completely lied to me lol. I was told that I was doing the firewall shit, and then I get to the actual job and it's nothing like what I agreed to do. The lady didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. She said it was technically a sales job, but that they didn't want me to be pushy at all. Like ask once and if the person says no, leave it at that. Then, I went through the entire hiring process without any additional information, and I get into the training class, and find out that everyone was told something different about what they'd be doing. No one really knew what they'd be doing, and so I didn't even know it was a hardcore sales position until like 3 days into training.
[[ Also, this is gonna sound weird, but don't use the company's name in comments or anything like that, because they have a department that trolls the internet and literally looks for their employees to say something bad about them]] << Completely not even joking... I've never worked for a company that is this strict, and paranoid, and distrusting of its employees.

Miranda : I know! That's why this job is so stressful... I absolutely SUCK at sales, and then finding out that if I don't improve [[like suddenly start making 3 sales per day]] immediately, I run the risk of being fired... So Yeah, I'm completely frazzled right now. Thank you for the encouragement, though. I hope I can find something better soon as well.

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And now, the actual post.
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So, if you read the comment replies above, you already know how work went yesterday, but if you're like me, i.e. you don't see your name, so you keep scrolling, you don't.
So here's the deal.
I got one sale yesterday, which is better than usual... I've worked there for 3 weeks and only made 2 in total. But the end of the day rolled around, and I still hadn't gotten a second one, and so my bosses' bosses' boss got yelled at by the client, which made him yell at his subordinates, which made them yell at my boss, and made him yell at me. It's the chain of yelling [if you watch How I Met Your Mother, you know what I'm referencing]
We're not making enough sales right now, and so everyone is on edge... Basically, there are like 4 people carrying the 60 people who work there... Not good. But I am no good at sales... That's why I took the job in the first place, because they said that it was only an "offer once and leave it at that" kind of thing... Well, They either lied or didn't know what the fuck they were talking about...

Also, In a past post, I had used the company's name... I edited the name out of that post because I found out that they track the internet, looking for mentions of their name, and if they find out that one of their employees says something bad about them on the internet, it's "disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment"
So, if any of you happen to remember the company's name, Don't use it lol.
I know I use a fake name on here, but still... I don't know how far they take their trolling, and I don't wanna risk anything. like I said to Honor, in the comment replies above, I have NEVER worked for a company that is this strict, and paranoid, and distrusting of it's employees. EVER.

On the bright side [The manic depressive, dark, bright side]] I've had to double my antidepressants since I started working this job [[ yeah, that's how stressful this gig is ]] and my appetite has been so freaking low. If you look over at the weight tracker thingy, I'm down to 181.6. I've officially broken out of my plateau.
I only consumed 230 calories yesterday... I was so stressed and sick to my stomach that the thought of eating made me even more sick. I wanna keep the trend going, but since I don't have work today, I'm not as stressed out... Hoping my appetite doesn't come back full force lol. That would suck.
I've also noticed that my energy levels have dropped once again [most likely a result of the heightened depression and anxiety] so I haven't had the energy to go to the gym since LAST Monday... Not this past one, the one before that... I have set my alarm at the right time so that I'd have time to go work out and then shower and get ready and stuff, but I would end up turning the alarm off in my sleep.
I'm glad that my weight is down, but I don't like feeling this way... I don't like being afraid to go in to work every day because I don't want to get in trouble for not stepping over my anxiety barrier and pushing people till they're only buying what I'm selling so that I'll leave them alone... Or worse, pushing them until they're so freaking pissed off that they don't wanna buy anything from the company, ever.

On a completely different topic...
I can wrap my hand around my wrist and have my fingers touch again!
I haven't been able to do that in months, and now that I can again, I'm happier.
Hopefully the rapid weight loss will continue. I'm behaving myself.
No sugar, no junk at all, just nutrition bars and frozen "Lean Cuisine" meals and "Amy's" meals.
That's it. I'm surviving on water, tea, coffee, Luna bars, and those two frozen food brands.
I don't think that my menu has ever been so small...

I'm going to go read all the blogs I've been missing out on now,
I love you girls!

Quick Update Before Work

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much lately. I've definitely been reading, just haven't commented.
This new job is wiping me out, mentally and physically. It's depressing, and I know I'm probably being a big baby, but I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Constantly being yelled at and pressured to make sales pitches to people who are already pissed off
And then finding out on Friday, that if I don't make enough sales, I'll be fired... That is fucking stressful, if you ask me.
I'm going to stick it out as long as I can, because I need the money, but when I start thinking of excuses to not go in to work one day, then I'm in trouble. I'll start putting in applications at bakeries [I love to bake. Even if I don't eat what I've made, I still just love doing it.]
If I'm doing that, I'll be doing something I love, and I'll be able to do that forever lol
I'm down to 184.6
Not a big loss, but I'm glad to see it again, I'm back down to the size I was at last summer, and still getting smaller. I haven't noticed any difference in the way my clothes fit, but I can definitely see it sometimes, just by looking... But only sometimes. Other than that, I'm just a fucking whale who needs more self control.
Anyway, I love you girls!
I promise I'll catch up on commenting soon!
XOXO

Work, Semi-Update, and Stress

Stress is from work, obviously...
I'm not comfortable with being car-salesman pushy with customers.. If they say no, they don't wanna buy it, I want to leave it at that and let them keep their damn money. The product is a good one, so its their loss, and more money for us when they call back.. And they DO call back.

I did end up getting a new scale, and it said the exact same thing as the old one did. So I guess the plateau is a real thing. I haven't weighed this week, because I started my period, and I'm always a bit bloated during that time, so I'm going to wait until next week whenever it ends to weigh myself.

I broke down and took laxatives yesterday... I know it's bad, and I know it just makes constipation more likely later on, but I hadn't had a "movement" in like 3 days, and at that point, it's not only bothersome, but dangerous and unhealthy. Being all cleaned out felt so freaking nice, though... SO NICE =]

I have to finish getting ready for work now, I just had to pop in and let you girls know that I haven't abandoned you. I'm still here, just very very busy and tired all the time.

I'll catch up on all your blogs this weekend. I'm so sorry that I haven't been here =/
I love you girls so much =]
XOXO

Weigh-In

So I didn't gain... But I didn't lose either.
I somehow knew it would be this way...
I fucking maintained!

I semi don't believe the scale...
Because:
A) I, once again, have not pooped in 2 days
B) Pretty much everything I ate yesterday was high in sodium, so I'm most likely retaining water

So, I'm going to buy a new scale today! One that I can keep in my room [we have hardwood floors in our room, so the scale would still work there]
That way, I'm not going into my mother's bathroom every time I need to weigh, and she won't know that I'm weighing. Because every time I weigh, I have to go into her bathroom, and she watches me come out with this look on her face that's like "Good news? Bad news? TellMeTellMeTellMe!!"
I don't like talking about my weight out loud... Even to someone as supportive as mi madre [She knows about my tendencies and my thought processes and she still congratulates me when I tell her that I haven't eaten anything, because she knows that, to me, that is a GOOD thing] So yeah, she is extremely supportive.

And if I'm losing consistently, I'm fine with telling her, because I'm excited and I want to tell someone... Not boyfriend, because I don't want to vocalize to him anything about my weight. He's still under the delusion that I'm fine as I am, so I'mma leave him there... Let him think I'm pretty so that he'll stay around while I actually become pretty. But if I'm not losing consistently, like if I've maintained or gained, she gets this pitiful "I feel SO sorry for you" look that I can't stand seeing.

Not only the bathroom thing, but another reason I want a new scale is because the one I've been using all this time is ancient. We've had it since I was like 12... So the calibration on that one might not be 100% anyway.

Yesterday, I got nauseous before I could make any real progress at the gym, so my output ended up at 320... Which would be okay, if my intake hadn't been 1460...
I like my outputs to take me out of the 1000s. That's the only way I stay sane with going over 1000 in the first place, because, normally, I know that my output will give me a net that's below it.

Today, I haven't been to the gym... I think I'm going to take 1 day off per week, for muscle recovery and such.
But because I'm not going to the gym today, I'm going to try to stick to liquids only for as long as I can. I won't let my intake cross 1000 today.
So far I've had coffee with cream, and the cream was 80 cals.
That is all I've had other than water, and I'm still feeling pretty good. I figure as long as I consistently keep my stomach full of water, I'll be too full already to think about eating anything... The only problem is forcing the water down. That's why I've failed at water fasts in the past. Because I cease to be thirsty and stop drinking. Then my stomach empties out a bit and I'm suddenly starving. The longest I've ever made it on just water/coffee/tea was 24 hours. The other fasts I've done, like the one's I've participated in through blogger, were liquid fasts, so I could have liquid calories, just not solid ones, and the longest I've lasted on one of those was 48 hours.

I'll probably post again a bit later, if not though, I'll try to post tomorrow after work.
Gotta go, though, me, momma and boyfriend are going shopping =]
XOXO

Jitters

So today, I had my first day of work. It wasn't too bad, but it was long..
We were let go around 3, but the day had felt infinitely longer. It was pretty much just standard beginning of training stuff, going over policies and stuff like that. Policies that I read when I did my new hire paperwork. I know that other people might not read those things, but I did. So I heard the policy stuff twice.

My intake for yesterday was 910
I remember it off the top of my head because of the consecutive numbers in the one number lol
Today was a weight day, and I'm starting to worry that I'm not working myself hard enough. I'm not getting sore anymore, but I do repetitions until it becomes painful to breathe and my heart is racing... And then I do 10 more reps!!
I don't know if I could survive pushing myself any harder right now.
Cardio days are always easy because there is a little readout on whatever machine I'm on that says how well I'm doing. How far I've hypothetically traveled, how many calories I've burned, etc. etc.
I know I'm making a difference on Cardio days, but on weight days?
I basically just have to make myself in pain in order to be satisfied... And then once the pain is gone, I no longer feel satisfied, and then I live out the rest of the day all guilty and such because I feel like I didn't work out as hard as I could have.

I've decided to make my weigh-in days Sundays, because I work on Mondays and I'm crunched for time on those days. Sundays, I don't work, so it only makes sense to weigh then.
This means that weigh-in is day after tomorrow.
I'm literally twitching with anticipation. I've voiced this before, but you're gonna hear it again, because this is my place to bitch and gush and vent...
I have such high hopes and expectations since I lost so much for my last weigh-in, and I'm afraid that I've lost minimally, or just maintained. If I've gained, I'll be legitimately shocked because I've been working out EVERY DAY and following my diet plan more intensely than the doctor intended. He told me 1500 cals a day, and I have not once even reached that much. The majority of the time, I don't even reach 1100. So I'm not concerned about a gain. I just don't wanna get on the scale and find out I've maintained. That would royally suck.

In reply to your comments:

Peri: I would LOVE some fluffy dice for my lovely car =] and I purposely ignore my BMR, because last time I took it into account, I abused it and would eat more than I should have. Plus, this way I actually get results =]

Farmacista: I think you'll get results, girl! You're working too hard not to! And I'm sorry, but I don't want to put my real name on here just in case someone I know stumbles onto the blog and finds out some things about me that I don't want known. I'm paranoid, I know, but I like feeling safe here =]

And now, I've run out of things to say, so I'll bid you all a temporary adieu =]
I love you girls!

Anxious

I'm getting a little antsy in my pantsys for Monday. I'm excited to weigh in... Because the results of the last few weigh-ins were so awesome.. I don't wanna get my hopes up, though..
Cuz it would majorly suck balls if I had these high hopes and then I find out that I've only lost 0.5lb.
Or worse... Maintained
o_O That would definitely SUCK
I'm participating in Piggy's Challenge at (Size) Zero Intentions << if you're interested in joining, click the link!
The more the merrier!
It would be awesome to have a community wide weight loss competition. We'd all be getting closer to our goals, and we'd be doing something as a group =]

So, yesterday's intake was 1,065.
Really, not a bad number, considering I work out every day.
But, yesterday was a weight day, so I don't have an output number.
Therefore, I don't really know the exact number for yesterday.
But, since I'm guessing I burned at least 100 cals, I know that the net number would be below 1,000 anyway =] SCORE
Today, so far I've had 400 cals even.
I kind of know for a fact that my intake for today will be below 1,000 even without the output number for a net.
Output, by the way, is: 325 cals
It's about 5:00 right now, and since I rarely eat anything after 8:00 since I go to bed around 9:00-9:30, I know that the number -even without a net- will be pleasing.

I start work tomorrow =/
I've been looking forward to the day since the end of July when I got hired.
But now that it's actually here, I'm extremely nervous...
I haven't had a job in about a year, so I'm out of practice in a big way...
I can't afford to fuck this one up.. I need the job so that I can afford school, and This Car
If you didn't want to click the link, it's a BMW X6
My dream car lol
But the BASE MODEL runs somewhere around 71,000

BASE MODEL!!

But, the base model is like the upgraded version of any other car's base model. So I'm okay with the base model lol.
I just neeeeedddd that car!!
I love it!!
 The house I want is a different story entirely [a 12.9m story]
I'll get there some day lol... But the car first!!

And now, some Thinspo =]

Yes, I'm still all winter/fall obsessed lol