My Beauties!

Hello, Everyone!
I miss talking to all of you, but with the job and all the crap that's been happening lately, I've had hardly any time to be online.

I've got a new blog that I've been working on more than this one.
I'm trying to get out of the diet mentality, trying to do the whole weightloss thing the healthy way. It sucks and I really hate it, but I want the weight to say off for good, and after all the trial and error, I've finally realized that it's the only way to do it.

So, I won't be posting on this blog much anymore, if at all.
I'll leave it up, so you can read all my past posts and still look at the pictures I've put up, but if you want to follow my new blog, it's here:

http://terrarise.wordpress.com/

It's mostly about writing. If any of you have a Wordpress account, I'd adore it if you'd follow me so that I can still talk to you, and hear your sweet words of support. If you don't have an account, you can even just stop by to read.

You're all in my thoughts

XOXO

I'm starting to look like a bulldog...

My face has never been this round before...
My cheeks aren't sagging like a bulldog, but I feel like their roundness looks bulldoggish.
I really just need a break from life right now...
No, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just wish I could go to sleep and be comatose until I'm skinny. Until all of my problems have dissolved themselves with time.
I'm too tired to deal with anything right now.
My head hurts.
I can't stop eating. It's so compulsive... Sometimes I don't even really taste my food. I just inhale it.

I don't understand how some of you can just turn off the urge to eat at will.
Statistically, only about 2% of the human population has the ability to starve themselves successfully. The rest of us are just setting ourselves up for failure when we try...

When I was fourteen, I set out to become anoretic, and I succeeded for a very short while.
Then, I started eating again because my family was worried about me.
Because of that, I now can't stop eating...

If you're reading this, thinking that its easy to just stop eating whenever you want. If you're a thirteen year old girl who thinks she's fat. Don't try to starve yourself.
There's a slim chance you'll succeed, and if you do, you might die from starvation or organ failure.
If you don't succeed, you'll end up like me. Fatter than I ever imagined would be possible, all because I tried to stop eating, and started a cycle of starving and bingeing that always leans toward the binge side.

When I was young, I set out to get an eating disorder... One of the ones that make you pretty, like ana and mia.

I got an eating disorder, alright, just not the one I wanted.
I have been officially diagnosed with EDNOS in the form of non purging bulimia. It happened back in January or February, and I don't think I've told anyone...

I just wish I had never started this... I wish I could go back to my fourteen year old self and tell her that she was fine the way she was and that if she didn't stop, she would end up 225 lbs and still gaining, always miserable, feeling unworthy of the people she loves, and in a constant struggle against herself and the food that surrounds her.

But it's too late now...

No, I didn't die... I just wish I had.

So, the other day, I went through my closet and got rid of all my old clothes that I was hoping that I'd be able to fit into again...
I just gave up on them, and it makes me sad.

I mean, yeah, I kept a few of them, but only the ones I actually plan to wear when I'm skinny... If I ever get skinny.

I didn't drop off the face of the earth, Just the face of blogger... I did a shame induced disappearance, because I now weigh 223 [yes, you did read that right]

I hate this cycle of starve, binge, fail, gain, repeat.
I know I need to exercise, and that is the best way to lose weight, but I'm so freaking tired ALL THE TIME...
I don't know if I've said this before, but I am freaking lethargic...

At random times throughout the day, I feel like I should apologize to my boyfriend for being so fat.
But I stop myself because he would get mad at me for calling myself fat.
Yeah, I'm glad he loves me the way I am, but the fact that I don't overrides it.

I really need to get back into the swing of counting calories. It worked SO well for me before. It's just really freaking hard to get back into the habit.

I doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore... It's not like I'd blame you if you stopped. I'm a broken record. I never say anything original because I keep repeating the same cycle of behavior.

I wish there was a way for me to stay motivated... I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing works long term. Not even looking at myself keeps me feeling motivated. I know I could do it if I would just make myself get up and DO IT, but that's the freaking hard part.
Especially when I feel like I could just collapse and fall asleep at any given minute.

A Bit Disappointed

I weighed today, and there was no change...
After the first week of losing so much so quickly I suppose I just expected to see at least a pound gone today... No such luck.
It's good that I haven't gained anything, because I haven't been watching what I eat at all... I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want... All vegan, of course..

And all of the information I've been reading says that this phase I'm going through is like a detox. Because I'm not eating any GMO foods, or refined, white sugar. And as a result of that, my body aches everywhere, I'm tired as fuck, I've got white crap on my tongue, and I'm breaking out.

All to be expected during withdrawals of toxins, so my body releases them [ the toxins ] and it's doing so, too quickly. My body cannot process them as fast as they're being released, and so the result is flu-like aches and pains, white tongue, and acne... I want it to go away soon.
I hate feeling this way.
And on top of that, I've only maintained this week...

I am grumpy...

That is all.

Unofficial Weigh-In

I just couldn't take the curiosity any longer, so I weighed this morning.
The scale read: 199.0
That would be about 5 lbs... in less than a week.
It's incredible!!
A woman on the documentary said that she lost 7 lbs within the first 3 days of detoxing and eating healthily. I haven't gotten up the balls to do a detox yet, but I'm working up to it.

Starting yesterday, I decided to do a juice for breakfast every morning, and it's working out well. I've been eating a lot of fruits and veggies and I don't feel like I'm starving... The crazy thing is that I'm actually eating whenever I'm hungry. I'm just making healthy choices instead of the crappy ones that got me into trouble in the past.
I feel like I actually may be able to do this long term!

I'll post a thinspo soon, but Boyfriend is right beside me and may see the pictures. I know I'm doing the healthy thing now, but he doesn't really know the reason, or the extent to which I intend to go, and I'd rather he not feel the need to ask questions.

This is the most positive I've felt in a very very long time... I am not starving, or denying myself anything that I'm craving, and I'm still losing... It feels amazing. I have been leaning closer and closer to veganism, but haven't committed myself entirely.. I'm not quite sure whether or not I want to...

Have any of you watched the documentary??
[ Hungry For Change ]
I loved it...

The reason for the thoughts toward veganism is another documentary called Vegucated.
I couldn't watch the whole thing... Now, every time I look at meat, or cheese, or eggs, I get images of abused animals being herded down narrow hallways by fat, useless wastes of space called human beings. That documentary showed things that were interesting, like a woman who -while living a vegan lifestyle - had a baby boy - who looked to be about 4 or 5 in the movie - and was eight months pregnant with her second. The doctor had given her a list of ailments and diseases that she should expect within the first few years of his life. He didn't get any of them!
And, did you know that giving up meat and meat by-products for only one year, you'd reduce your carbon footprint by more than if you switched to a hybrid car?

It also showed some stuff that I don't want to recount... Needless to say it made me cry. It infuriates me that it's legal to treat animals the way that farms and people in general do. It was the animal abuse stuff that made me cry and need to turn the movie off half way through. I can't stomach looking at that shit. But since then, I haven't touched dairy, meat or anything of animal origin. I'm still debating on whether I want to o vegan, or just vegetarian, but one thing is for damn sure. I'm NEVER eating fucking meat again.

Anyway, on a happier note, I noticed that Posie posted again... If you're reading this, Posie, I don't want you to be sick by any means, but I would absolutely adore it if you'd post here again, even the smallest things. I miss you, lady. I'm sure we all do.

Your comments on my last post made me smile =]
Peridot - I know, my sister refuses to do any weight training whatsoever because she doesn't want to build muscle. It does look damn good though =]
Onyx - That completely blew my mind when I found out that oreos are vegan... When you hear the word vegan you get this image of healthy healthy healthy, until you realize that there really is a bunch of crap that is vegan... Total mindf*ck
Alice - I feel really great so far as well. How long have you been vegan? I could use all the vegan friends I can get lol. Any recommendations foodwise? I'm just starting out and haven't discovered all the tricks of the trade yet.

I'll update again soon. I love you all!

Past Square One... Now Standing on Square -1

Hello, my darlings
No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth... Just the face of the diet earth...
I've fallen - once again - into the category of dieters who gain back more weight than they had previous to dieting...

The official number as of a couple days ago is 204.2
Yeah... I know, yucky to the zillionth degree...
I've never felt more disgusting... In my entire freaking life.....

Well, amidst my pouting, and trying to decide which diet to go back on to achieve optimum results, I stumbled across a documentary called 'Hungry for Change'
It's on Netflix, for all those who have it
If you don't have Netflix, go to hungryforchange.tv and you can watch the first 20 minutes for free.
It's basically about how the world is full of, not food, but food-like products that mimick the signals in our brains that tell us that we're satisfied. One of the guys on the show says that we're "over fed, but under nourished"

I couldn't agree more...

The people on this documentary were all glowing, so healthy and happy, and I want that.
I want to be healthy, and above all, happy.
One man was 400 lbs and once he started juicing and eating healthy, whole foods [ and sticking to it ] he literally lost 220 lbs in a period of 2 and a half years...

The detox of all the toxins in your body is supposed to be the hardest part, where you go through sugar withdrawals and the likes of that because you're only putting natural, healthy, nutrient rich foods into your body.

The aim of the whole healthy lifestyle is to vacate the position we're in now, where we're eating low-nutrient, high-calorie foods, and move instead to high-nutrient, low-calorie foods like raw fruits and vegetables, and their juicy counterparts [organic, of course], lots of flax, gelatinous fibers like chia seeds and aloe vera.

I started yesterday, and I still feel pretty nice. I was raised eating vegetarian and vegan health foods, so I already know about a lot of the things at my disposal. I made this delicious Quinoa recipe yesterday that even my meat-loving boyfriend enjoyed. It was quinoa with red, yellow, and green peppers, onions, apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, cilantro, and I added some Daiya vegan cheese.

In the documentary these people who are so healthy and glowing and happy say that if you're eating the right foods, your body can assimilate them perfectly, so even if you over eat on them [which I have a horrible problem with] you'll still lose weight, and if you have no weight to lose, you'll stay where you are. They even talk about people who live in other parts of the world who don't have any msg or high fructose corn syrup or refined sugar in the foods they eat, and they can eat pretty much whatever they want and stay healthy and thin.

I've done research about healthy living quite a few times in the past, and it's legit [of course it's fucking legit! it's the way we are meant to be eating] I'm so freaking excited! I never want to feel guilty over what I'm eating ever ever again.

Needless to say, I need this outlet, and the motivation that all of your posts bring to me, so I'm going to chronicle my healthy journey on here, and I'd be honored if any of you joined me, or even just watched the documentary and knew what I was talking about.

I love you all!!!
XOXO

Dear Holiday Season,

I love you, but I hate you more...
I don't even want to weigh after this weekend.
I've come to a screeching halt in the way of losing.
Mostly because of all the cooking I had to do over Thanksgiving week/end
Baby shower cake for 11/17
Then, it was pies, pies, pies
I made 3 pumpkin pies, and boyfriend made a cheesecake and a black tie mousse cake
So I declared yesterday my last day to be naughty before Xmas
Today, my number is kind of hideous already: 745 cals, and it's only 3:30
Later I think that mi madre and I are going for a walk, so that might do some good, but if not, Boyfriend needs new shoes for work, and walking around Scheels while he tries them on is better than nothing. Plus, my phone has a pedometer app, so I can count steps and calories while I do that.
I'll just not eat anything until after he's home, and possibly not even then, depending on how I feel.

I've lowered my calorie limit to 1,250/day, where it was 1500. Hoping that this will speed up the weight loss process.
Did a little freestyle pilates earlier today while watching Bloomberg
10 minutes worth, so it's better than nothing at all, plus housework.
I need to shower before Boyfriend gets home, so I'll leave this post a short one, and finish off with some holiday themed Thinspo.