Hello, Everyone!
I miss talking to all of you, but with the job and all the crap that's been happening lately, I've had hardly any time to be online.
I've got a new blog that I've been working on more than this one.
I'm trying to get out of the diet mentality, trying to do the whole weightloss thing the healthy way. It sucks and I really hate it, but I want the weight to say off for good, and after all the trial and error, I've finally realized that it's the only way to do it.
So, I won't be posting on this blog much anymore, if at all.
I'll leave it up, so you can read all my past posts and still look at the pictures I've put up, but if you want to follow my new blog, it's here:
http://terrarise.wordpress.com/
It's mostly about writing. If any of you have a Wordpress account, I'd adore it if you'd follow me so that I can still talk to you, and hear your sweet words of support. If you don't have an account, you can even just stop by to read.
You're all in my thoughts
XOXO
Monday, December 30, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I'm starting to look like a bulldog...
My face has never been this round before...
My cheeks aren't sagging like a bulldog, but I feel like their roundness looks bulldoggish.
I really just need a break from life right now...
No, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just wish I could go to sleep and be comatose until I'm skinny. Until all of my problems have dissolved themselves with time.
I'm too tired to deal with anything right now.
My head hurts.
I can't stop eating. It's so compulsive... Sometimes I don't even really taste my food. I just inhale it.
I don't understand how some of you can just turn off the urge to eat at will.
Statistically, only about 2% of the human population has the ability to starve themselves successfully. The rest of us are just setting ourselves up for failure when we try...
When I was fourteen, I set out to become anoretic, and I succeeded for a very short while.
Then, I started eating again because my family was worried about me.
Because of that, I now can't stop eating...
If you're reading this, thinking that its easy to just stop eating whenever you want. If you're a thirteen year old girl who thinks she's fat. Don't try to starve yourself.
There's a slim chance you'll succeed, and if you do, you might die from starvation or organ failure.
If you don't succeed, you'll end up like me. Fatter than I ever imagined would be possible, all because I tried to stop eating, and started a cycle of starving and bingeing that always leans toward the binge side.
When I was young, I set out to get an eating disorder... One of the ones that make you pretty, like ana and mia.
I got an eating disorder, alright, just not the one I wanted.
I have been officially diagnosed with EDNOS in the form of non purging bulimia. It happened back in January or February, and I don't think I've told anyone...
I just wish I had never started this... I wish I could go back to my fourteen year old self and tell her that she was fine the way she was and that if she didn't stop, she would end up 225 lbs and still gaining, always miserable, feeling unworthy of the people she loves, and in a constant struggle against herself and the food that surrounds her.
But it's too late now...
My cheeks aren't sagging like a bulldog, but I feel like their roundness looks bulldoggish.
I really just need a break from life right now...
No, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just wish I could go to sleep and be comatose until I'm skinny. Until all of my problems have dissolved themselves with time.
I'm too tired to deal with anything right now.
My head hurts.
I can't stop eating. It's so compulsive... Sometimes I don't even really taste my food. I just inhale it.
I don't understand how some of you can just turn off the urge to eat at will.
Statistically, only about 2% of the human population has the ability to starve themselves successfully. The rest of us are just setting ourselves up for failure when we try...
When I was fourteen, I set out to become anoretic, and I succeeded for a very short while.
Then, I started eating again because my family was worried about me.
Because of that, I now can't stop eating...
If you're reading this, thinking that its easy to just stop eating whenever you want. If you're a thirteen year old girl who thinks she's fat. Don't try to starve yourself.
There's a slim chance you'll succeed, and if you do, you might die from starvation or organ failure.
If you don't succeed, you'll end up like me. Fatter than I ever imagined would be possible, all because I tried to stop eating, and started a cycle of starving and bingeing that always leans toward the binge side.
When I was young, I set out to get an eating disorder... One of the ones that make you pretty, like ana and mia.
I got an eating disorder, alright, just not the one I wanted.
I have been officially diagnosed with EDNOS in the form of non purging bulimia. It happened back in January or February, and I don't think I've told anyone...
I just wish I had never started this... I wish I could go back to my fourteen year old self and tell her that she was fine the way she was and that if she didn't stop, she would end up 225 lbs and still gaining, always miserable, feeling unworthy of the people she loves, and in a constant struggle against herself and the food that surrounds her.
But it's too late now...
Saturday, August 3, 2013
No, I didn't die... I just wish I had.
So, the other day, I went through my closet and got rid of all my old clothes that I was hoping that I'd be able to fit into again...
I just gave up on them, and it makes me sad.
I mean, yeah, I kept a few of them, but only the ones I actually plan to wear when I'm skinny... If I ever get skinny.
I didn't drop off the face of the earth, Just the face of blogger... I did a shame induced disappearance, because I now weigh 223 [yes, you did read that right]
I hate this cycle of starve, binge, fail, gain, repeat.
I know I need to exercise, and that is the best way to lose weight, but I'm so freaking tired ALL THE TIME...
I don't know if I've said this before, but I am freaking lethargic...
At random times throughout the day, I feel like I should apologize to my boyfriend for being so fat.
But I stop myself because he would get mad at me for calling myself fat.
Yeah, I'm glad he loves me the way I am, but the fact that I don't overrides it.
I really need to get back into the swing of counting calories. It worked SO well for me before. It's just really freaking hard to get back into the habit.
I doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore... It's not like I'd blame you if you stopped. I'm a broken record. I never say anything original because I keep repeating the same cycle of behavior.
I wish there was a way for me to stay motivated... I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing works long term. Not even looking at myself keeps me feeling motivated. I know I could do it if I would just make myself get up and DO IT, but that's the freaking hard part.
Especially when I feel like I could just collapse and fall asleep at any given minute.
I just gave up on them, and it makes me sad.
I mean, yeah, I kept a few of them, but only the ones I actually plan to wear when I'm skinny... If I ever get skinny.
I didn't drop off the face of the earth, Just the face of blogger... I did a shame induced disappearance, because I now weigh 223 [yes, you did read that right]
I hate this cycle of starve, binge, fail, gain, repeat.
I know I need to exercise, and that is the best way to lose weight, but I'm so freaking tired ALL THE TIME...
I don't know if I've said this before, but I am freaking lethargic...
At random times throughout the day, I feel like I should apologize to my boyfriend for being so fat.
But I stop myself because he would get mad at me for calling myself fat.
Yeah, I'm glad he loves me the way I am, but the fact that I don't overrides it.
I really need to get back into the swing of counting calories. It worked SO well for me before. It's just really freaking hard to get back into the habit.
I doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore... It's not like I'd blame you if you stopped. I'm a broken record. I never say anything original because I keep repeating the same cycle of behavior.
I wish there was a way for me to stay motivated... I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing works long term. Not even looking at myself keeps me feeling motivated. I know I could do it if I would just make myself get up and DO IT, but that's the freaking hard part.
Especially when I feel like I could just collapse and fall asleep at any given minute.
Monday, January 21, 2013
A Bit Disappointed
I weighed today, and there was no change...
After the first week of losing so much so quickly I suppose I just expected to see at least a pound gone today... No such luck.
It's good that I haven't gained anything, because I haven't been watching what I eat at all... I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want... All vegan, of course..
And all of the information I've been reading says that this phase I'm going through is like a detox. Because I'm not eating any GMO foods, or refined, white sugar. And as a result of that, my body aches everywhere, I'm tired as fuck, I've got white crap on my tongue, and I'm breaking out.
All to be expected during withdrawals of toxins, so my body releases them [ the toxins ] and it's doing so, too quickly. My body cannot process them as fast as they're being released, and so the result is flu-like aches and pains, white tongue, and acne... I want it to go away soon.
I hate feeling this way.
And on top of that, I've only maintained this week...
I am grumpy...
That is all.
After the first week of losing so much so quickly I suppose I just expected to see at least a pound gone today... No such luck.
It's good that I haven't gained anything, because I haven't been watching what I eat at all... I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want... All vegan, of course..
And all of the information I've been reading says that this phase I'm going through is like a detox. Because I'm not eating any GMO foods, or refined, white sugar. And as a result of that, my body aches everywhere, I'm tired as fuck, I've got white crap on my tongue, and I'm breaking out.
All to be expected during withdrawals of toxins, so my body releases them [ the toxins ] and it's doing so, too quickly. My body cannot process them as fast as they're being released, and so the result is flu-like aches and pains, white tongue, and acne... I want it to go away soon.
I hate feeling this way.
And on top of that, I've only maintained this week...
I am grumpy...
That is all.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Unofficial Weigh-In
I just couldn't take the curiosity any longer, so I weighed this morning.
The scale read: 199.0
That would be about 5 lbs... in less than a week.
It's incredible!!
A woman on the documentary said that she lost 7 lbs within the first 3 days of detoxing and eating healthily. I haven't gotten up the balls to do a detox yet, but I'm working up to it.
Starting yesterday, I decided to do a juice for breakfast every morning, and it's working out well. I've been eating a lot of fruits and veggies and I don't feel like I'm starving... The crazy thing is that I'm actually eating whenever I'm hungry. I'm just making healthy choices instead of the crappy ones that got me into trouble in the past.
I feel like I actually may be able to do this long term!
I'll post a thinspo soon, but Boyfriend is right beside me and may see the pictures. I know I'm doing the healthy thing now, but he doesn't really know the reason, or the extent to which I intend to go, and I'd rather he not feel the need to ask questions.
This is the most positive I've felt in a very very long time... I am not starving, or denying myself anything that I'm craving, and I'm still losing... It feels amazing. I have been leaning closer and closer to veganism, but haven't committed myself entirely.. I'm not quite sure whether or not I want to...
Have any of you watched the documentary??
[ Hungry For Change ]
I loved it...
The reason for the thoughts toward veganism is another documentary called Vegucated.
I couldn't watch the whole thing... Now, every time I look at meat, or cheese, or eggs, I get images of abused animals being herded down narrow hallways by fat, useless wastes of space called human beings. That documentary showed things that were interesting, like a woman who -while living a vegan lifestyle - had a baby boy - who looked to be about 4 or 5 in the movie - and was eight months pregnant with her second. The doctor had given her a list of ailments and diseases that she should expect within the first few years of his life. He didn't get any of them!
And, did you know that giving up meat and meat by-products for only one year, you'd reduce your carbon footprint by more than if you switched to a hybrid car?
It also showed some stuff that I don't want to recount... Needless to say it made me cry. It infuriates me that it's legal to treat animals the way that farms and people in general do. It was the animal abuse stuff that made me cry and need to turn the movie off half way through. I can't stomach looking at that shit. But since then, I haven't touched dairy, meat or anything of animal origin. I'm still debating on whether I want to o vegan, or just vegetarian, but one thing is for damn sure. I'm NEVER eating fucking meat again.
Anyway, on a happier note, I noticed that Posie posted again... If you're reading this, Posie, I don't want you to be sick by any means, but I would absolutely adore it if you'd post here again, even the smallest things. I miss you, lady. I'm sure we all do.
Your comments on my last post made me smile =]
Peridot - I know, my sister refuses to do any weight training whatsoever because she doesn't want to build muscle. It does look damn good though =]
Onyx - That completely blew my mind when I found out that oreos are vegan... When you hear the word vegan you get this image of healthy healthy healthy, until you realize that there really is a bunch of crap that is vegan... Total mindf*ck
Alice - I feel really great so far as well. How long have you been vegan? I could use all the vegan friends I can get lol. Any recommendations foodwise? I'm just starting out and haven't discovered all the tricks of the trade yet.
I'll update again soon. I love you all!
The scale read: 199.0
That would be about 5 lbs... in less than a week.
It's incredible!!
A woman on the documentary said that she lost 7 lbs within the first 3 days of detoxing and eating healthily. I haven't gotten up the balls to do a detox yet, but I'm working up to it.
Starting yesterday, I decided to do a juice for breakfast every morning, and it's working out well. I've been eating a lot of fruits and veggies and I don't feel like I'm starving... The crazy thing is that I'm actually eating whenever I'm hungry. I'm just making healthy choices instead of the crappy ones that got me into trouble in the past.
I feel like I actually may be able to do this long term!
I'll post a thinspo soon, but Boyfriend is right beside me and may see the pictures. I know I'm doing the healthy thing now, but he doesn't really know the reason, or the extent to which I intend to go, and I'd rather he not feel the need to ask questions.
This is the most positive I've felt in a very very long time... I am not starving, or denying myself anything that I'm craving, and I'm still losing... It feels amazing. I have been leaning closer and closer to veganism, but haven't committed myself entirely.. I'm not quite sure whether or not I want to...
Have any of you watched the documentary??
[ Hungry For Change ]
I loved it...
The reason for the thoughts toward veganism is another documentary called Vegucated.
I couldn't watch the whole thing... Now, every time I look at meat, or cheese, or eggs, I get images of abused animals being herded down narrow hallways by fat, useless wastes of space called human beings. That documentary showed things that were interesting, like a woman who -while living a vegan lifestyle - had a baby boy - who looked to be about 4 or 5 in the movie - and was eight months pregnant with her second. The doctor had given her a list of ailments and diseases that she should expect within the first few years of his life. He didn't get any of them!
And, did you know that giving up meat and meat by-products for only one year, you'd reduce your carbon footprint by more than if you switched to a hybrid car?
It also showed some stuff that I don't want to recount... Needless to say it made me cry. It infuriates me that it's legal to treat animals the way that farms and people in general do. It was the animal abuse stuff that made me cry and need to turn the movie off half way through. I can't stomach looking at that shit. But since then, I haven't touched dairy, meat or anything of animal origin. I'm still debating on whether I want to o vegan, or just vegetarian, but one thing is for damn sure. I'm NEVER eating fucking meat again.
Anyway, on a happier note, I noticed that Posie posted again... If you're reading this, Posie, I don't want you to be sick by any means, but I would absolutely adore it if you'd post here again, even the smallest things. I miss you, lady. I'm sure we all do.
Your comments on my last post made me smile =]
Peridot - I know, my sister refuses to do any weight training whatsoever because she doesn't want to build muscle. It does look damn good though =]
Onyx - That completely blew my mind when I found out that oreos are vegan... When you hear the word vegan you get this image of healthy healthy healthy, until you realize that there really is a bunch of crap that is vegan... Total mindf*ck
Alice - I feel really great so far as well. How long have you been vegan? I could use all the vegan friends I can get lol. Any recommendations foodwise? I'm just starting out and haven't discovered all the tricks of the trade yet.
I'll update again soon. I love you all!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Past Square One... Now Standing on Square -1
Hello, my darlings
No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth... Just the face of the diet earth...
I've fallen - once again - into the category of dieters who gain back more weight than they had previous to dieting...
The official number as of a couple days ago is 204.2
Yeah... I know, yucky to the zillionth degree...
I've never felt more disgusting... In my entire freaking life.....
Well, amidst my pouting, and trying to decide which diet to go back on to achieve optimum results, I stumbled across a documentary called 'Hungry for Change'
It's on Netflix, for all those who have it
If you don't have Netflix, go to hungryforchange.tv and you can watch the first 20 minutes for free.
It's basically about how the world is full of, not food, but food-like products that mimick the signals in our brains that tell us that we're satisfied. One of the guys on the show says that we're "over fed, but under nourished"
I couldn't agree more...
The people on this documentary were all glowing, so healthy and happy, and I want that.
I want to be healthy, and above all, happy.
One man was 400 lbs and once he started juicing and eating healthy, whole foods [ and sticking to it ] he literally lost 220 lbs in a period of 2 and a half years...
The detox of all the toxins in your body is supposed to be the hardest part, where you go through sugar withdrawals and the likes of that because you're only putting natural, healthy, nutrient rich foods into your body.
The aim of the whole healthy lifestyle is to vacate the position we're in now, where we're eating low-nutrient, high-calorie foods, and move instead to high-nutrient, low-calorie foods like raw fruits and vegetables, and their juicy counterparts [organic, of course], lots of flax, gelatinous fibers like chia seeds and aloe vera.
I started yesterday, and I still feel pretty nice. I was raised eating vegetarian and vegan health foods, so I already know about a lot of the things at my disposal. I made this delicious Quinoa recipe yesterday that even my meat-loving boyfriend enjoyed. It was quinoa with red, yellow, and green peppers, onions, apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, cilantro, and I added some Daiya vegan cheese.
In the documentary these people who are so healthy and glowing and happy say that if you're eating the right foods, your body can assimilate them perfectly, so even if you over eat on them [which I have a horrible problem with] you'll still lose weight, and if you have no weight to lose, you'll stay where you are. They even talk about people who live in other parts of the world who don't have any msg or high fructose corn syrup or refined sugar in the foods they eat, and they can eat pretty much whatever they want and stay healthy and thin.
I've done research about healthy living quite a few times in the past, and it's legit [of course it's fucking legit! it's the way we are meant to be eating] I'm so freaking excited! I never want to feel guilty over what I'm eating ever ever again.
Needless to say, I need this outlet, and the motivation that all of your posts bring to me, so I'm going to chronicle my healthy journey on here, and I'd be honored if any of you joined me, or even just watched the documentary and knew what I was talking about.
I love you all!!!
XOXO
No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth... Just the face of the diet earth...
I've fallen - once again - into the category of dieters who gain back more weight than they had previous to dieting...
The official number as of a couple days ago is 204.2
Yeah... I know, yucky to the zillionth degree...
I've never felt more disgusting... In my entire freaking life.....
Well, amidst my pouting, and trying to decide which diet to go back on to achieve optimum results, I stumbled across a documentary called 'Hungry for Change'
It's on Netflix, for all those who have it
If you don't have Netflix, go to hungryforchange.tv and you can watch the first 20 minutes for free.
It's basically about how the world is full of, not food, but food-like products that mimick the signals in our brains that tell us that we're satisfied. One of the guys on the show says that we're "over fed, but under nourished"
I couldn't agree more...
The people on this documentary were all glowing, so healthy and happy, and I want that.
I want to be healthy, and above all, happy.
One man was 400 lbs and once he started juicing and eating healthy, whole foods [ and sticking to it ] he literally lost 220 lbs in a period of 2 and a half years...
The detox of all the toxins in your body is supposed to be the hardest part, where you go through sugar withdrawals and the likes of that because you're only putting natural, healthy, nutrient rich foods into your body.
The aim of the whole healthy lifestyle is to vacate the position we're in now, where we're eating low-nutrient, high-calorie foods, and move instead to high-nutrient, low-calorie foods like raw fruits and vegetables, and their juicy counterparts [organic, of course], lots of flax, gelatinous fibers like chia seeds and aloe vera.
I started yesterday, and I still feel pretty nice. I was raised eating vegetarian and vegan health foods, so I already know about a lot of the things at my disposal. I made this delicious Quinoa recipe yesterday that even my meat-loving boyfriend enjoyed. It was quinoa with red, yellow, and green peppers, onions, apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, cilantro, and I added some Daiya vegan cheese.
In the documentary these people who are so healthy and glowing and happy say that if you're eating the right foods, your body can assimilate them perfectly, so even if you over eat on them [which I have a horrible problem with] you'll still lose weight, and if you have no weight to lose, you'll stay where you are. They even talk about people who live in other parts of the world who don't have any msg or high fructose corn syrup or refined sugar in the foods they eat, and they can eat pretty much whatever they want and stay healthy and thin.
I've done research about healthy living quite a few times in the past, and it's legit [of course it's fucking legit! it's the way we are meant to be eating] I'm so freaking excited! I never want to feel guilty over what I'm eating ever ever again.
Needless to say, I need this outlet, and the motivation that all of your posts bring to me, so I'm going to chronicle my healthy journey on here, and I'd be honored if any of you joined me, or even just watched the documentary and knew what I was talking about.
I love you all!!!
XOXO
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dear Holiday Season,
I love you, but I hate you more...
I don't even want to weigh after this weekend.
I've come to a screeching halt in the way of losing.
Mostly because of all the cooking I had to do over Thanksgiving week/end
Baby shower cake for 11/17
Then, it was pies, pies, pies
I made 3 pumpkin pies, and boyfriend made a cheesecake and a black tie mousse cake
So I declared yesterday my last day to be naughty before Xmas
Today, my number is kind of hideous already: 745 cals, and it's only 3:30
Later I think that mi madre and I are going for a walk, so that might do some good, but if not, Boyfriend needs new shoes for work, and walking around Scheels while he tries them on is better than nothing. Plus, my phone has a pedometer app, so I can count steps and calories while I do that.
I'll just not eat anything until after he's home, and possibly not even then, depending on how I feel.
I've lowered my calorie limit to 1,250/day, where it was 1500. Hoping that this will speed up the weight loss process.
Did a little freestyle pilates earlier today while watching Bloomberg
10 minutes worth, so it's better than nothing at all, plus housework.
I need to shower before Boyfriend gets home, so I'll leave this post a short one, and finish off with some holiday themed Thinspo.
I don't even want to weigh after this weekend.
I've come to a screeching halt in the way of losing.
Mostly because of all the cooking I had to do over Thanksgiving week/end
Baby shower cake for 11/17
Then, it was pies, pies, pies
I made 3 pumpkin pies, and boyfriend made a cheesecake and a black tie mousse cake
So I declared yesterday my last day to be naughty before Xmas
Today, my number is kind of hideous already: 745 cals, and it's only 3:30
Later I think that mi madre and I are going for a walk, so that might do some good, but if not, Boyfriend needs new shoes for work, and walking around Scheels while he tries them on is better than nothing. Plus, my phone has a pedometer app, so I can count steps and calories while I do that.
I'll just not eat anything until after he's home, and possibly not even then, depending on how I feel.
I've lowered my calorie limit to 1,250/day, where it was 1500. Hoping that this will speed up the weight loss process.
Did a little freestyle pilates earlier today while watching Bloomberg
10 minutes worth, so it's better than nothing at all, plus housework.
I need to shower before Boyfriend gets home, so I'll leave this post a short one, and finish off with some holiday themed Thinspo.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Just a rant...
So, I tried on an old pair of jeans [I'll not post the size, because it's horrid] expecting them to fit.
They did not. I mean, I could have forced them on and sat uncomfortably all day while wearing them and had to wear a long sweatshirt so no one could see the pudge, but I decided not to.
Now I'm wearing one of the only pairs of pants that fits me, and there are holes at the thigh from all the rubbing. I'm forcing myself to endure the feeling because I figure it's punishment for letting myself get this way.
I want to see my next goal on Monday [I changed my weigh-in day to Monday because Boyfriend works that day]
175. I know that should seem disgusting to me, but after seeing 204 on a scale in May [with clothes on, but fucking still!] it seems like getting back on track. As of last weigh-in I've lost a total of 21 lbs from where I started in July.. That should make a difference! 20 lbs is a big checkpoint for some people! But I still look the same.. My clothes still fit the same way, I still cringe whenever boyfriend touches my middle, even when I'm standing up.
The only difference I've really noticed is that my bras are fitting normally again.. No more disgusting overflow of boobage.
What I really want is to get to the point where I feel comfortable posting vlogs. I, personally, like watching vlogs more than reading posts [those of you who don't do vlogs, I still adore reading your posts] because you can see the person who is behind the blog. I feel like it allows us to connect in a way that we normally wouldn't be able to.
Lately, I've been trying to find something that is time consuming and engrossing so that I'm not thinking about anything else, and therefore not obsessing about food all day. The day that Boyfriend and I watched the resident evil movies, I think my number was around 600 for the entire day! Since I'd never seen them, I wanted to pay attention so that I didn't miss anything. I wanna find something like that, that I can do every day to take my mind off of food. Posting here helps, because reading your thoughts and posting my own helps to give me a renewal of motivation, which I feel I need desperately! My numbers for the past few days have been awful! [like mostly around 1350 awful]
Anyway, I need to go do my hair and put on makeup.
Love you all!
XOXO
They did not. I mean, I could have forced them on and sat uncomfortably all day while wearing them and had to wear a long sweatshirt so no one could see the pudge, but I decided not to.
Now I'm wearing one of the only pairs of pants that fits me, and there are holes at the thigh from all the rubbing. I'm forcing myself to endure the feeling because I figure it's punishment for letting myself get this way.
I want to see my next goal on Monday [I changed my weigh-in day to Monday because Boyfriend works that day]
175. I know that should seem disgusting to me, but after seeing 204 on a scale in May [with clothes on, but fucking still!] it seems like getting back on track. As of last weigh-in I've lost a total of 21 lbs from where I started in July.. That should make a difference! 20 lbs is a big checkpoint for some people! But I still look the same.. My clothes still fit the same way, I still cringe whenever boyfriend touches my middle, even when I'm standing up.
The only difference I've really noticed is that my bras are fitting normally again.. No more disgusting overflow of boobage.
What I really want is to get to the point where I feel comfortable posting vlogs. I, personally, like watching vlogs more than reading posts [those of you who don't do vlogs, I still adore reading your posts] because you can see the person who is behind the blog. I feel like it allows us to connect in a way that we normally wouldn't be able to.
Lately, I've been trying to find something that is time consuming and engrossing so that I'm not thinking about anything else, and therefore not obsessing about food all day. The day that Boyfriend and I watched the resident evil movies, I think my number was around 600 for the entire day! Since I'd never seen them, I wanted to pay attention so that I didn't miss anything. I wanna find something like that, that I can do every day to take my mind off of food. Posting here helps, because reading your thoughts and posting my own helps to give me a renewal of motivation, which I feel I need desperately! My numbers for the past few days have been awful! [like mostly around 1350 awful]
Anyway, I need to go do my hair and put on makeup.
Love you all!
XOXO
Monday, September 17, 2012
A Little Of Everything
My blood-draw went well. I was SO happy to get a phlebotomist who knew what she was doing. She got it on the first try, and actually took her time finding the vein. I was in and out of there in 10 minutes.
I'm down to 178.6! So glad to see that number again. Now, in order to have the same results, though, I'll have to make some tweaks to the diet plan. I'll try 1,000 calorie limit. I made that yesterday, with a final number of 955. So I just barely made it, but I think I can do it. I'll just need to be A LOT more strict with myself. I'm a little disappointed that I'm happy to see 178. Two summers ago I was MORTIFIED by this number. I need to be more realistic with myself this time. I won't lose control =] plain and simple.
Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I went to a restaurant with Boyfriend for breakfast [this is why I like that he knows I'm on a diet. He never pressures me to eat what he knows I can't] I just had coffee, we sat and talked while he ate and then went to rent the Resident Evil movies [because I'd never seen them before]
We spent all day watching movies and just hanging out together. It was wonderful! Since he got his job I rarely see him. He works from 5 a.m. to whenever he finishes the day's work. Sometimes he comes home around 2, other times he won't get home until 8 or 9. I never know when he'll be home because of how unpredictable his times are.
I did another BMR calculation because of my weight, and it's now 1645. When I started it was 2073, so now the number of calories I'd require to maintain is about 99 calories lower than on July 16th when I started the diet. I'd still be okay with the 1500 calorie limit, my weight loss just wouldn't be as quick.
I have a head ache, so I'mma go take some ibuprofen.
Love you xx
I'm down to 178.6! So glad to see that number again. Now, in order to have the same results, though, I'll have to make some tweaks to the diet plan. I'll try 1,000 calorie limit. I made that yesterday, with a final number of 955. So I just barely made it, but I think I can do it. I'll just need to be A LOT more strict with myself. I'm a little disappointed that I'm happy to see 178. Two summers ago I was MORTIFIED by this number. I need to be more realistic with myself this time. I won't lose control =] plain and simple.
Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I went to a restaurant with Boyfriend for breakfast [this is why I like that he knows I'm on a diet. He never pressures me to eat what he knows I can't] I just had coffee, we sat and talked while he ate and then went to rent the Resident Evil movies [because I'd never seen them before]
We spent all day watching movies and just hanging out together. It was wonderful! Since he got his job I rarely see him. He works from 5 a.m. to whenever he finishes the day's work. Sometimes he comes home around 2, other times he won't get home until 8 or 9. I never know when he'll be home because of how unpredictable his times are.
I did another BMR calculation because of my weight, and it's now 1645. When I started it was 2073, so now the number of calories I'd require to maintain is about 99 calories lower than on July 16th when I started the diet. I'd still be okay with the 1500 calorie limit, my weight loss just wouldn't be as quick.
I have a head ache, so I'mma go take some ibuprofen.
Love you xx
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
In Honor of Suicide Awareness Week, a song... And some bitching
I never meant to be the one
Who kept you from the dark
But now I know my wounds are sewn
Because of who you are
I will take this burden on
And become the holy one
But remember I am human
And I’m bound to sing this song
So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here
Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour
For all that you do
So you live freely
Without their harm
So here I write my lullaby
To all the lonely ones Remember as you learn to try
To be the one you love So I can take this pen
And teach you how to live
What is left unsaid
The greatest gift I give
So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here
Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour For all that you do
So you live freely
Without their harm
When I hear your cries
Praying for light
I will be there
I will always be there
--Black Veil Brides
And now, for the bitching...
I have to get blood drawn today.
This is not a good thing.
Piercing needles, I can handle... At least that way you get something out of the stabbing...
I cannot handle medical needles for blood drawing...
A side note for any phlebotomists out there: LEARN TO DO YOUR JOB THE RIGHT WAY
I hate it when they miss a vein that you could see from Hubble and then have to wiggle the fucking needle around in my arm to get it to the right place... Dear people who suck at drawing blood, I hate you.
Last time was one of those times... My blood wouldn't flow... Like it just wasn't there. The lady got a few drops [but only after wiggling the needle and inserting and pulling it out and repeating *armsexwithneedle] and then I made her stop and wouldn't let her try again because you could already see the bruise forming... I looked like a clumsy heroin addict.
The lady said that it was because I wasn't hydrated enough, which is bullshit, because that day I'd already had 1 litre, and the day before I'd had 3... I was NOT fucking dehydrated.
I've made it perfectly clear that I'm not happy. To mother, to the nurses, and if they don't get it on the first poke, I'm giving 'em a big EFFFFF YOU and walking my happy ass outta there.
K, I'm done ranting... Off to guzzle more water.
Who kept you from the dark
But now I know my wounds are sewn
Because of who you are
I will take this burden on
And become the holy one
But remember I am human
And I’m bound to sing this song
So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here
Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour
For all that you do
So you live freely
Without their harm
So here I write my lullaby
To all the lonely ones Remember as you learn to try
To be the one you love So I can take this pen
And teach you how to live
What is left unsaid
The greatest gift I give
So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here
Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour For all that you do
So you live freely
Without their harm
When I hear your cries
Praying for light
I will be there
I will always be there
--Black Veil Brides
And now, for the bitching...
I have to get blood drawn today.
This is not a good thing.
Piercing needles, I can handle... At least that way you get something out of the stabbing...
I cannot handle medical needles for blood drawing...
A side note for any phlebotomists out there: LEARN TO DO YOUR JOB THE RIGHT WAY
I hate it when they miss a vein that you could see from Hubble and then have to wiggle the fucking needle around in my arm to get it to the right place... Dear people who suck at drawing blood, I hate you.
Last time was one of those times... My blood wouldn't flow... Like it just wasn't there. The lady got a few drops [but only after wiggling the needle and inserting and pulling it out and repeating *armsexwithneedle] and then I made her stop and wouldn't let her try again because you could already see the bruise forming... I looked like a clumsy heroin addict.
The lady said that it was because I wasn't hydrated enough, which is bullshit, because that day I'd already had 1 litre, and the day before I'd had 3... I was NOT fucking dehydrated.
I've made it perfectly clear that I'm not happy. To mother, to the nurses, and if they don't get it on the first poke, I'm giving 'em a big EFFFFF YOU and walking my happy ass outta there.
K, I'm done ranting... Off to guzzle more water.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Updates, and Rebel Love Song =p
See them? I consider them beautiful, beautiful men lol
That is my type, right there =] mmmmm
Anyhooooo.
So I weighed today, and, although it's slow going, I'm still losing. I'm sitting at 180.2 right now
Even though it's not a big loss, I'm still really happy, because I've never gotten this far down on my goals list before... It's always been, like, I'll meet two goals and then gain and have to start over again.
I quit my job, by the way... I couldn't fucking handle it anymore.
So now, I'm going to get my book finished and published whatever it takes so that I never have to get another job again... Writing is my passion, and I will make it my lifelong career.
It's been really hard for me lately, to stick to my diet plan. Especially since this is birthday/holiday season... I swear, everyone I know has a birthday in July-December, and not only that, but there are holidays that I have to cook for, and special occasions of other kinds that I have to attend... This makes for A LOT of cheat days...
I know that most people fail on diets because they absolutely ban themselves from their favorite foods and then binge. I figure I'm doing myself a favor by allowing myself to eat my favorite things on special occasions, and so far I'm proving myself right... I've never ever lasted this long on a diet before... I've lost just shy of 20 lbs in about a month and a half... It's amazing.
I won't fail this time around... I've learned my lesson. I know now that I can't be happy with the way I am... I've tried to be.. A million and one times I've tried to accept myself being chubby. I just can't.. In my mind, my fucked up, sadistic mind, girls are SUPPOSED to be tiny and fragile and beautiful. I don't see beauty in overweight people... even myself.
People have called me pretty, and all I can say is "I was..."
I see all these women who think their
When I see one of them, I see that they have a nice face and I think "huh, what a shame... She could be so pretty if she'd only lose like 20 lbs."
It's not in my wiring to accept myself this way. I don't care if everyone thinks I become "too skinny"
I've done the research, and my goal weight is actually still in the "healthy" column for my height, so they can suck it.
I know I can do this. We all can, just think of how gorgeous we'll all be when all of our hard work pays off.
If you watched the video at the top of the post, you may have noticed that the type of man I find attractive is pretty thin.. Boyfriend is a little bit thinner than Andy, [the front man with the stunning eyes]
So now you have a little bit of perspective into why I wanna be so small... Because my favorite men are skinny, and I believe that women should be smaller than men, that means teeny tiny me...
Anyway, I'm about to go read and catch up on your blogs. I've missed you all so much!!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
A Proper Update
In reply to the comments I've received since starting work:
Peri : I wouldn't imagine that laxative dependence would be fun, but I imagine I've come close in the past. I used to take them every night so that I would be empty before weighing the next morning. I didn't know about the water retention thing though. I makes sense, just never connected the dots.
Yeah, my job is completely stressful. I was reprimanded for not making enough sales yesterday, and I came home in tears because I DO NOT like being yelled at... Or even talked to sternly. Everyone I know says the same thing, that I need to start looking somewhere else for a job... And I agree, especially since it's only the 3rd week I've even worked there, and I'm already coming home crying.
No. Bueno.
Honor : The recruiter completely lied to me lol. I was told that I was doing the firewall shit, and then I get to the actual job and it's nothing like what I agreed to do. The lady didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. She said it was technically a sales job, but that they didn't want me to be pushy at all. Like ask once and if the person says no, leave it at that. Then, I went through the entire hiring process without any additional information, and I get into the training class, and find out that everyone was told something different about what they'd be doing. No one really knew what they'd be doing, and so I didn't even know it was a hardcore sales position until like 3 days into training.
[[ Also, this is gonna sound weird, but don't use the company's name in comments or anything like that, because they have a department that trolls the internet and literally looks for their employees to say something bad about them]] << Completely not even joking... I've never worked for a company that is this strict, and paranoid, and distrusting of its employees.
Miranda : I know! That's why this job is so stressful... I absolutely SUCK at sales, and then finding out that if I don't improve [[like suddenly start making 3 sales per day]] immediately, I run the risk of being fired... So Yeah, I'm completely frazzled right now. Thank you for the encouragement, though. I hope I can find something better soon as well.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the actual post.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, if you read the comment replies above, you already know how work went yesterday, but if you're like me, i.e. you don't see your name, so you keep scrolling, you don't.
So here's the deal.
I got one sale yesterday, which is better than usual... I've worked there for 3 weeks and only made 2 in total. But the end of the day rolled around, and I still hadn't gotten a second one, and so my bosses' bosses' boss got yelled at by the client, which made him yell at his subordinates, which made them yell at my boss, and made him yell at me. It's the chain of yelling [if you watch How I Met Your Mother, you know what I'm referencing]
We're not making enough sales right now, and so everyone is on edge... Basically, there are like 4 people carrying the 60 people who work there... Not good. But I am no good at sales... That's why I took the job in the first place, because they said that it was only an "offer once and leave it at that" kind of thing... Well, They either lied or didn't know what the fuck they were talking about...
Also, In a past post, I had used the company's name... I edited the name out of that post because I found out that they track the internet, looking for mentions of their name, and if they find out that one of their employees says something bad about them on the internet, it's "disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment"
So, if any of you happen to remember the company's name, Don't use it lol.
I know I use a fake name on here, but still... I don't know how far they take their trolling, and I don't wanna risk anything. like I said to Honor, in the comment replies above, I have NEVER worked for a company that is this strict, and paranoid, and distrusting of it's employees. EVER.
On the bright side [The manic depressive, dark, bright side]] I've had to double my antidepressants since I started working this job [[ yeah, that's how stressful this gig is ]] and my appetite has been so freaking low. If you look over at the weight tracker thingy, I'm down to 181.6. I've officially broken out of my plateau.
I only consumed 230 calories yesterday... I was so stressed and sick to my stomach that the thought of eating made me even more sick. I wanna keep the trend going, but since I don't have work today, I'm not as stressed out... Hoping my appetite doesn't come back full force lol. That would suck.
I've also noticed that my energy levels have dropped once again [most likely a result of the heightened depression and anxiety] so I haven't had the energy to go to the gym since LAST Monday... Not this past one, the one before that... I have set my alarm at the right time so that I'd have time to go work out and then shower and get ready and stuff, but I would end up turning the alarm off in my sleep.
I'm glad that my weight is down, but I don't like feeling this way... I don't like being afraid to go in to work every day because I don't want to get in trouble for not stepping over my anxiety barrier and pushing people till they're only buying what I'm selling so that I'll leave them alone... Or worse, pushing them until they're so freaking pissed off that they don't wanna buy anything from the company, ever.
On a completely different topic...
I can wrap my hand around my wrist and have my fingers touch again!
I haven't been able to do that in months, and now that I can again, I'm happier.
Hopefully the rapid weight loss will continue. I'm behaving myself.
No sugar, no junk at all, just nutrition bars and frozen "Lean Cuisine" meals and "Amy's" meals.
That's it. I'm surviving on water, tea, coffee, Luna bars, and those two frozen food brands.
I don't think that my menu has ever been so small...
I'm going to go read all the blogs I've been missing out on now,
I love you girls!
Peri : I wouldn't imagine that laxative dependence would be fun, but I imagine I've come close in the past. I used to take them every night so that I would be empty before weighing the next morning. I didn't know about the water retention thing though. I makes sense, just never connected the dots.
Yeah, my job is completely stressful. I was reprimanded for not making enough sales yesterday, and I came home in tears because I DO NOT like being yelled at... Or even talked to sternly. Everyone I know says the same thing, that I need to start looking somewhere else for a job... And I agree, especially since it's only the 3rd week I've even worked there, and I'm already coming home crying.
No. Bueno.
Honor : The recruiter completely lied to me lol. I was told that I was doing the firewall shit, and then I get to the actual job and it's nothing like what I agreed to do. The lady didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. She said it was technically a sales job, but that they didn't want me to be pushy at all. Like ask once and if the person says no, leave it at that. Then, I went through the entire hiring process without any additional information, and I get into the training class, and find out that everyone was told something different about what they'd be doing. No one really knew what they'd be doing, and so I didn't even know it was a hardcore sales position until like 3 days into training.
[[ Also, this is gonna sound weird, but don't use the company's name in comments or anything like that, because they have a department that trolls the internet and literally looks for their employees to say something bad about them]] << Completely not even joking... I've never worked for a company that is this strict, and paranoid, and distrusting of its employees.
Miranda : I know! That's why this job is so stressful... I absolutely SUCK at sales, and then finding out that if I don't improve [[like suddenly start making 3 sales per day]] immediately, I run the risk of being fired... So Yeah, I'm completely frazzled right now. Thank you for the encouragement, though. I hope I can find something better soon as well.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the actual post.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, if you read the comment replies above, you already know how work went yesterday, but if you're like me, i.e. you don't see your name, so you keep scrolling, you don't.
So here's the deal.
I got one sale yesterday, which is better than usual... I've worked there for 3 weeks and only made 2 in total. But the end of the day rolled around, and I still hadn't gotten a second one, and so my bosses' bosses' boss got yelled at by the client, which made him yell at his subordinates, which made them yell at my boss, and made him yell at me. It's the chain of yelling [if you watch How I Met Your Mother, you know what I'm referencing]
We're not making enough sales right now, and so everyone is on edge... Basically, there are like 4 people carrying the 60 people who work there... Not good. But I am no good at sales... That's why I took the job in the first place, because they said that it was only an "offer once and leave it at that" kind of thing... Well, They either lied or didn't know what the fuck they were talking about...
Also, In a past post, I had used the company's name... I edited the name out of that post because I found out that they track the internet, looking for mentions of their name, and if they find out that one of their employees says something bad about them on the internet, it's "disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment"
So, if any of you happen to remember the company's name, Don't use it lol.
I know I use a fake name on here, but still... I don't know how far they take their trolling, and I don't wanna risk anything. like I said to Honor, in the comment replies above, I have NEVER worked for a company that is this strict, and paranoid, and distrusting of it's employees. EVER.
On the bright side [The manic depressive, dark, bright side]] I've had to double my antidepressants since I started working this job [[ yeah, that's how stressful this gig is ]] and my appetite has been so freaking low. If you look over at the weight tracker thingy, I'm down to 181.6. I've officially broken out of my plateau.
I only consumed 230 calories yesterday... I was so stressed and sick to my stomach that the thought of eating made me even more sick. I wanna keep the trend going, but since I don't have work today, I'm not as stressed out... Hoping my appetite doesn't come back full force lol. That would suck.
I've also noticed that my energy levels have dropped once again [most likely a result of the heightened depression and anxiety] so I haven't had the energy to go to the gym since LAST Monday... Not this past one, the one before that... I have set my alarm at the right time so that I'd have time to go work out and then shower and get ready and stuff, but I would end up turning the alarm off in my sleep.
I'm glad that my weight is down, but I don't like feeling this way... I don't like being afraid to go in to work every day because I don't want to get in trouble for not stepping over my anxiety barrier and pushing people till they're only buying what I'm selling so that I'll leave them alone... Or worse, pushing them until they're so freaking pissed off that they don't wanna buy anything from the company, ever.
On a completely different topic...
I can wrap my hand around my wrist and have my fingers touch again!
I haven't been able to do that in months, and now that I can again, I'm happier.
Hopefully the rapid weight loss will continue. I'm behaving myself.
No sugar, no junk at all, just nutrition bars and frozen "Lean Cuisine" meals and "Amy's" meals.
That's it. I'm surviving on water, tea, coffee, Luna bars, and those two frozen food brands.
I don't think that my menu has ever been so small...
I'm going to go read all the blogs I've been missing out on now,
I love you girls!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Quick Update Before Work
I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much lately. I've definitely been reading, just haven't commented.
This new job is wiping me out, mentally and physically. It's depressing, and I know I'm probably being a big baby, but I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Constantly being yelled at and pressured to make sales pitches to people who are already pissed off
And then finding out on Friday, that if I don't make enough sales, I'll be fired... That is fucking stressful, if you ask me.
I'm going to stick it out as long as I can, because I need the money, but when I start thinking of excuses to not go in to work one day, then I'm in trouble. I'll start putting in applications at bakeries [I love to bake. Even if I don't eat what I've made, I still just love doing it.]
If I'm doing that, I'll be doing something I love, and I'll be able to do that forever lol
I'm down to 184.6
Not a big loss, but I'm glad to see it again, I'm back down to the size I was at last summer, and still getting smaller. I haven't noticed any difference in the way my clothes fit, but I can definitely see it sometimes, just by looking... But only sometimes. Other than that, I'm just a fucking whale who needs more self control.
Anyway, I love you girls!
I promise I'll catch up on commenting soon!
XOXO
This new job is wiping me out, mentally and physically. It's depressing, and I know I'm probably being a big baby, but I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Constantly being yelled at and pressured to make sales pitches to people who are already pissed off
And then finding out on Friday, that if I don't make enough sales, I'll be fired... That is fucking stressful, if you ask me.
I'm going to stick it out as long as I can, because I need the money, but when I start thinking of excuses to not go in to work one day, then I'm in trouble. I'll start putting in applications at bakeries [I love to bake. Even if I don't eat what I've made, I still just love doing it.]
If I'm doing that, I'll be doing something I love, and I'll be able to do that forever lol
I'm down to 184.6
Not a big loss, but I'm glad to see it again, I'm back down to the size I was at last summer, and still getting smaller. I haven't noticed any difference in the way my clothes fit, but I can definitely see it sometimes, just by looking... But only sometimes. Other than that, I'm just a fucking whale who needs more self control.
Anyway, I love you girls!
I promise I'll catch up on commenting soon!
XOXO
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Work, Semi-Update, and Stress
Stress is from work, obviously...
I'm not comfortable with being car-salesman pushy with customers.. If they say no, they don't wanna buy it, I want to leave it at that and let them keep their damn money. The product is a good one, so its their loss, and more money for us when they call back.. And they DO call back.
I did end up getting a new scale, and it said the exact same thing as the old one did. So I guess the plateau is a real thing. I haven't weighed this week, because I started my period, and I'm always a bit bloated during that time, so I'm going to wait until next week whenever it ends to weigh myself.
I broke down and took laxatives yesterday... I know it's bad, and I know it just makes constipation more likely later on, but I hadn't had a "movement" in like 3 days, and at that point, it's not only bothersome, but dangerous and unhealthy. Being all cleaned out felt so freaking nice, though... SO NICE =]
I have to finish getting ready for work now, I just had to pop in and let you girls know that I haven't abandoned you. I'm still here, just very very busy and tired all the time.
I'll catch up on all your blogs this weekend. I'm so sorry that I haven't been here =/
I love you girls so much =]
XOXO
I'm not comfortable with being car-salesman pushy with customers.. If they say no, they don't wanna buy it, I want to leave it at that and let them keep their damn money. The product is a good one, so its their loss, and more money for us when they call back.. And they DO call back.
I did end up getting a new scale, and it said the exact same thing as the old one did. So I guess the plateau is a real thing. I haven't weighed this week, because I started my period, and I'm always a bit bloated during that time, so I'm going to wait until next week whenever it ends to weigh myself.
I broke down and took laxatives yesterday... I know it's bad, and I know it just makes constipation more likely later on, but I hadn't had a "movement" in like 3 days, and at that point, it's not only bothersome, but dangerous and unhealthy. Being all cleaned out felt so freaking nice, though... SO NICE =]
I have to finish getting ready for work now, I just had to pop in and let you girls know that I haven't abandoned you. I'm still here, just very very busy and tired all the time.
I'll catch up on all your blogs this weekend. I'm so sorry that I haven't been here =/
I love you girls so much =]
XOXO
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Weigh-In
So I didn't gain... But I didn't lose either.
I somehow knew it would be this way...
I fucking maintained!
I semi don't believe the scale...
Because:
A) I, once again, have not pooped in 2 days
B) Pretty much everything I ate yesterday was high in sodium, so I'm most likely retaining water
So, I'm going to buy a new scale today! One that I can keep in my room [we have hardwood floors in our room, so the scale would still work there]
That way, I'm not going into my mother's bathroom every time I need to weigh, and she won't know that I'm weighing. Because every time I weigh, I have to go into her bathroom, and she watches me come out with this look on her face that's like "Good news? Bad news? TellMeTellMeTellMe!!"
I don't like talking about my weight out loud... Even to someone as supportive as mi madre [She knows about my tendencies and my thought processes and she still congratulates me when I tell her that I haven't eaten anything, because she knows that, to me, that is a GOOD thing] So yeah, she is extremely supportive.
And if I'm losing consistently, I'm fine with telling her, because I'm excited and I want to tell someone... Not boyfriend, because I don't want to vocalize to him anything about my weight. He's still under the delusion that I'm fine as I am, so I'mma leave him there... Let him think I'm pretty so that he'll stay around while I actually become pretty. But if I'm not losing consistently, like if I've maintained or gained, she gets this pitiful "I feel SO sorry for you" look that I can't stand seeing.
Not only the bathroom thing, but another reason I want a new scale is because the one I've been using all this time is ancient. We've had it since I was like 12... So the calibration on that one might not be 100% anyway.
Yesterday, I got nauseous before I could make any real progress at the gym, so my output ended up at 320... Which would be okay, if my intake hadn't been 1460...
I like my outputs to take me out of the 1000s. That's the only way I stay sane with going over 1000 in the first place, because, normally, I know that my output will give me a net that's below it.
Today, I haven't been to the gym... I think I'm going to take 1 day off per week, for muscle recovery and such.
But because I'm not going to the gym today, I'm going to try to stick to liquids only for as long as I can. I won't let my intake cross 1000 today.
So far I've had coffee with cream, and the cream was 80 cals.
That is all I've had other than water, and I'm still feeling pretty good. I figure as long as I consistently keep my stomach full of water, I'll be too full already to think about eating anything... The only problem is forcing the water down. That's why I've failed at water fasts in the past. Because I cease to be thirsty and stop drinking. Then my stomach empties out a bit and I'm suddenly starving. The longest I've ever made it on just water/coffee/tea was 24 hours. The other fasts I've done, like the one's I've participated in through blogger, were liquid fasts, so I could have liquid calories, just not solid ones, and the longest I've lasted on one of those was 48 hours.
I'll probably post again a bit later, if not though, I'll try to post tomorrow after work.
Gotta go, though, me, momma and boyfriend are going shopping =]
XOXO
I somehow knew it would be this way...
I fucking maintained!
I semi don't believe the scale...
Because:
A) I, once again, have not pooped in 2 days
B) Pretty much everything I ate yesterday was high in sodium, so I'm most likely retaining water
So, I'm going to buy a new scale today! One that I can keep in my room [we have hardwood floors in our room, so the scale would still work there]
That way, I'm not going into my mother's bathroom every time I need to weigh, and she won't know that I'm weighing. Because every time I weigh, I have to go into her bathroom, and she watches me come out with this look on her face that's like "Good news? Bad news? TellMeTellMeTellMe!!"
I don't like talking about my weight out loud... Even to someone as supportive as mi madre [She knows about my tendencies and my thought processes and she still congratulates me when I tell her that I haven't eaten anything, because she knows that, to me, that is a GOOD thing] So yeah, she is extremely supportive.
And if I'm losing consistently, I'm fine with telling her, because I'm excited and I want to tell someone... Not boyfriend, because I don't want to vocalize to him anything about my weight. He's still under the delusion that I'm fine as I am, so I'mma leave him there... Let him think I'm pretty so that he'll stay around while I actually become pretty. But if I'm not losing consistently, like if I've maintained or gained, she gets this pitiful "I feel SO sorry for you" look that I can't stand seeing.
Not only the bathroom thing, but another reason I want a new scale is because the one I've been using all this time is ancient. We've had it since I was like 12... So the calibration on that one might not be 100% anyway.
Yesterday, I got nauseous before I could make any real progress at the gym, so my output ended up at 320... Which would be okay, if my intake hadn't been 1460...
I like my outputs to take me out of the 1000s. That's the only way I stay sane with going over 1000 in the first place, because, normally, I know that my output will give me a net that's below it.
Today, I haven't been to the gym... I think I'm going to take 1 day off per week, for muscle recovery and such.
But because I'm not going to the gym today, I'm going to try to stick to liquids only for as long as I can. I won't let my intake cross 1000 today.
So far I've had coffee with cream, and the cream was 80 cals.
That is all I've had other than water, and I'm still feeling pretty good. I figure as long as I consistently keep my stomach full of water, I'll be too full already to think about eating anything... The only problem is forcing the water down. That's why I've failed at water fasts in the past. Because I cease to be thirsty and stop drinking. Then my stomach empties out a bit and I'm suddenly starving. The longest I've ever made it on just water/coffee/tea was 24 hours. The other fasts I've done, like the one's I've participated in through blogger, were liquid fasts, so I could have liquid calories, just not solid ones, and the longest I've lasted on one of those was 48 hours.
I'll probably post again a bit later, if not though, I'll try to post tomorrow after work.
Gotta go, though, me, momma and boyfriend are going shopping =]
XOXO
Friday, August 10, 2012
Jitters
So today, I had my first day of work. It wasn't too bad, but it was long..
We were let go around 3, but the day had felt infinitely longer. It was pretty much just standard beginning of training stuff, going over policies and stuff like that. Policies that I read when I did my new hire paperwork. I know that other people might not read those things, but I did. So I heard the policy stuff twice.
My intake for yesterday was 910
I remember it off the top of my head because of the consecutive numbers in the one number lol
Today was a weight day, and I'm starting to worry that I'm not working myself hard enough. I'm not getting sore anymore, but I do repetitions until it becomes painful to breathe and my heart is racing... And then I do 10 more reps!!
I don't know if I could survive pushing myself any harder right now.
Cardio days are always easy because there is a little readout on whatever machine I'm on that says how well I'm doing. How far I've hypothetically traveled, how many calories I've burned, etc. etc.
I know I'm making a difference on Cardio days, but on weight days?
I basically just have to make myself in pain in order to be satisfied... And then once the pain is gone, I no longer feel satisfied, and then I live out the rest of the day all guilty and such because I feel like I didn't work out as hard as I could have.
I've decided to make my weigh-in days Sundays, because I work on Mondays and I'm crunched for time on those days. Sundays, I don't work, so it only makes sense to weigh then.
This means that weigh-in is day after tomorrow.
I'm literally twitching with anticipation. I've voiced this before, but you're gonna hear it again, because this is my place to bitch and gush and vent...
I have such high hopes and expectations since I lost so much for my last weigh-in, and I'm afraid that I've lost minimally, or just maintained. If I've gained, I'll be legitimately shocked because I've been working out EVERY DAY and following my diet plan more intensely than the doctor intended. He told me 1500 cals a day, and I have not once even reached that much. The majority of the time, I don't even reach 1100. So I'm not concerned about a gain. I just don't wanna get on the scale and find out I've maintained. That would royally suck.
In reply to your comments:
Peri: I would LOVE some fluffy dice for my lovely car =] and I purposely ignore my BMR, because last time I took it into account, I abused it and would eat more than I should have. Plus, this way I actually get results =]
Farmacista: I think you'll get results, girl! You're working too hard not to! And I'm sorry, but I don't want to put my real name on here just in case someone I know stumbles onto the blog and finds out some things about me that I don't want known. I'm paranoid, I know, but I like feeling safe here =]
And now, I've run out of things to say, so I'll bid you all a temporary adieu =]
I love you girls!
We were let go around 3, but the day had felt infinitely longer. It was pretty much just standard beginning of training stuff, going over policies and stuff like that. Policies that I read when I did my new hire paperwork. I know that other people might not read those things, but I did. So I heard the policy stuff twice.
My intake for yesterday was 910
I remember it off the top of my head because of the consecutive numbers in the one number lol
Today was a weight day, and I'm starting to worry that I'm not working myself hard enough. I'm not getting sore anymore, but I do repetitions until it becomes painful to breathe and my heart is racing... And then I do 10 more reps!!
I don't know if I could survive pushing myself any harder right now.
Cardio days are always easy because there is a little readout on whatever machine I'm on that says how well I'm doing. How far I've hypothetically traveled, how many calories I've burned, etc. etc.
I know I'm making a difference on Cardio days, but on weight days?
I basically just have to make myself in pain in order to be satisfied... And then once the pain is gone, I no longer feel satisfied, and then I live out the rest of the day all guilty and such because I feel like I didn't work out as hard as I could have.
I've decided to make my weigh-in days Sundays, because I work on Mondays and I'm crunched for time on those days. Sundays, I don't work, so it only makes sense to weigh then.
This means that weigh-in is day after tomorrow.
I'm literally twitching with anticipation. I've voiced this before, but you're gonna hear it again, because this is my place to bitch and gush and vent...
I have such high hopes and expectations since I lost so much for my last weigh-in, and I'm afraid that I've lost minimally, or just maintained. If I've gained, I'll be legitimately shocked because I've been working out EVERY DAY and following my diet plan more intensely than the doctor intended. He told me 1500 cals a day, and I have not once even reached that much. The majority of the time, I don't even reach 1100. So I'm not concerned about a gain. I just don't wanna get on the scale and find out I've maintained. That would royally suck.
In reply to your comments:
Peri: I would LOVE some fluffy dice for my lovely car =] and I purposely ignore my BMR, because last time I took it into account, I abused it and would eat more than I should have. Plus, this way I actually get results =]
Farmacista: I think you'll get results, girl! You're working too hard not to! And I'm sorry, but I don't want to put my real name on here just in case someone I know stumbles onto the blog and finds out some things about me that I don't want known. I'm paranoid, I know, but I like feeling safe here =]
And now, I've run out of things to say, so I'll bid you all a temporary adieu =]
I love you girls!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Anxious
I'm getting a little antsy in my pantsys for Monday. I'm excited to weigh in... Because the results of the last few weigh-ins were so awesome.. I don't wanna get my hopes up, though..
Cuz it would majorly suck balls if I had these high hopes and then I find out that I've only lost 0.5lb.
Or worse... Maintained
o_O That would definitely SUCK
I'm participating in Piggy's Challenge at (Size) Zero Intentions << if you're interested in joining, click the link!
The more the merrier!
It would be awesome to have a community wide weight loss competition. We'd all be getting closer to our goals, and we'd be doing something as a group =]
So, yesterday's intake was 1,065.
Really, not a bad number, considering I work out every day.
But, yesterday was a weight day, so I don't have an output number.
Therefore, I don't really know the exact number for yesterday.
But, since I'm guessing I burned at least 100 cals, I know that the net number would be below 1,000 anyway =] SCORE
Today, so far I've had 400 cals even.
I kind of know for a fact that my intake for today will be below 1,000 even without the output number for a net.
Output, by the way, is: 325 cals
It's about 5:00 right now, and since I rarely eat anything after 8:00 since I go to bed around 9:00-9:30, I know that the number -even without a net- will be pleasing.
I start work tomorrow =/
I've been looking forward to the day since the end of July when I got hired.
But now that it's actually here, I'm extremely nervous...
I haven't had a job in about a year, so I'm out of practice in a big way...
I can't afford to fuck this one up.. I need the job so that I can afford school, and This Car
If you didn't want to click the link, it's a BMW X6
My dream car lol
But the BASE MODEL runs somewhere around 71,000
BASE MODEL!!
But, the base model is like the upgraded version of any other car's base model. So I'm okay with the base model lol.
I just neeeeedddd that car!!
I love it!!
The house I want is a different story entirely [a 12.9m story]
I'll get there some day lol... But the car first!!
And now, some Thinspo =]
Yes, I'm still all winter/fall obsessed lol
Cuz it would majorly suck balls if I had these high hopes and then I find out that I've only lost 0.5lb.
Or worse... Maintained
o_O That would definitely SUCK
I'm participating in Piggy's Challenge at (Size) Zero Intentions << if you're interested in joining, click the link!
The more the merrier!
It would be awesome to have a community wide weight loss competition. We'd all be getting closer to our goals, and we'd be doing something as a group =]
So, yesterday's intake was 1,065.
Really, not a bad number, considering I work out every day.
But, yesterday was a weight day, so I don't have an output number.
Therefore, I don't really know the exact number for yesterday.
But, since I'm guessing I burned at least 100 cals, I know that the net number would be below 1,000 anyway =] SCORE
Today, so far I've had 400 cals even.
I kind of know for a fact that my intake for today will be below 1,000 even without the output number for a net.
Output, by the way, is: 325 cals
It's about 5:00 right now, and since I rarely eat anything after 8:00 since I go to bed around 9:00-9:30, I know that the number -even without a net- will be pleasing.
I start work tomorrow =/
I've been looking forward to the day since the end of July when I got hired.
But now that it's actually here, I'm extremely nervous...
I haven't had a job in about a year, so I'm out of practice in a big way...
I can't afford to fuck this one up.. I need the job so that I can afford school, and This Car
If you didn't want to click the link, it's a BMW X6
My dream car lol
But the BASE MODEL runs somewhere around 71,000
BASE MODEL!!
But, the base model is like the upgraded version of any other car's base model. So I'm okay with the base model lol.
I just neeeeedddd that car!!
I love it!!
The house I want is a different story entirely [a 12.9m story]
I'll get there some day lol... But the car first!!
And now, some Thinspo =]
Yes, I'm still all winter/fall obsessed lol
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
A Thousand Times, Thank You
You girls are so awesome!
Your comments on my "Rematch" post made me tear up lol
I've NEVER been called inspirational before... By Anyone.
So hearing it all at once from so many people ((All of whom mean the WORLD to me))
Made me feel amazing =]
I love what you girls said about the last post. Telling me to keep my head up and use the disappointing numbers as a more intense drive to succeed, and that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do.
I just had to post this to let you girls know how much you mean to me, and how awesome your comments are to read!
This will be us!
Your comments on my "Rematch" post made me tear up lol
I've NEVER been called inspirational before... By Anyone.
So hearing it all at once from so many people ((All of whom mean the WORLD to me))
Made me feel amazing =]
I love what you girls said about the last post. Telling me to keep my head up and use the disappointing numbers as a more intense drive to succeed, and that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do.
I just had to post this to let you girls know how much you mean to me, and how awesome your comments are to read!
This will be us!
Measurements
So, at my gym, upon signing up for a membership, you get a free fitness assessment
I had mine today, and so I now also have my measurements and BMI, none of which I knew before. So, here it goes.
Waist: 37
Abdomen: 38
Hips: 44
Right Bicep: 13.5
Left Bicep: 14
Right Thigh: 23.5
Left Thigh: 23.25
Weight, as of today: 185.2
Body Fat % : 38.9%
Body Fat Weight: 72 lbs
Lean Weight [Muscle]: 113.2 lbs
Water Weight: 84.2 lbs
Protein/Mineral Weight: 29 lbs
None of these numbers please me... At All... I mean, I'm glad that I'm down a bit more, but I wish I had never gotten up to this point in the first place, ya know?
I wish I was where some of the girls on blogger are - i.e. 130 lbs and still thinking they're fat... Or even better, 120 lbs and thinking they're fat...-
I wish I had the right to call those numbers big ones.
One of my legs probably weighs that much.
In the fitness profile, there's a section where the person who did the assessment could leave comments. The lady that did mine said this:
"Ayden, as you can see in the graph above, your body fat score is in the 'Needs Improvement' category. You should consider talking to a health professional about a program that will help you lose 24 to 30 lbs of body weight."
Of course, I want to lose WAY more than 30 lbs, but the fact is that my body fat percentage is in the obese category... That fucking disgusts and crushes me!
I NEVER thought I would be here... In fact, when I was a kid I was afraid of becoming this.
I made it a point to say that I never would become this.
And I have...
Wow.
I had mine today, and so I now also have my measurements and BMI, none of which I knew before. So, here it goes.
Waist: 37
Abdomen: 38
Hips: 44
Right Bicep: 13.5
Left Bicep: 14
Right Thigh: 23.5
Left Thigh: 23.25
Weight, as of today: 185.2
Body Fat % : 38.9%
Body Fat Weight: 72 lbs
Lean Weight [Muscle]: 113.2 lbs
Water Weight: 84.2 lbs
Protein/Mineral Weight: 29 lbs
None of these numbers please me... At All... I mean, I'm glad that I'm down a bit more, but I wish I had never gotten up to this point in the first place, ya know?
I wish I was where some of the girls on blogger are - i.e. 130 lbs and still thinking they're fat... Or even better, 120 lbs and thinking they're fat...-
I wish I had the right to call those numbers big ones.
One of my legs probably weighs that much.
In the fitness profile, there's a section where the person who did the assessment could leave comments. The lady that did mine said this:
"Ayden, as you can see in the graph above, your body fat score is in the 'Needs Improvement' category. You should consider talking to a health professional about a program that will help you lose 24 to 30 lbs of body weight."
Of course, I want to lose WAY more than 30 lbs, but the fact is that my body fat percentage is in the obese category... That fucking disgusts and crushes me!
I NEVER thought I would be here... In fact, when I was a kid I was afraid of becoming this.
I made it a point to say that I never would become this.
And I have...
Wow.
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