If The Lovely Bones is true, you get to choose what you see and what happens on the other side once you die...
What would your Afterlife be?
Mine would be that I eat without guilt, yet still stay stick thin.
It would be that my boyfriend actually wants to marry me.
And that I be physically worthy of him...
It would be that my father had stayed present throughout my life, and that I didn't just start to know him in the months before he died.
It would be that I know and love who I am.
And that I am able to love without fear, and my goal weight is always where I am.
******~~******
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want from myself...
And I've come to the conclusion that I want to be a complete person before I die.
I want to have experienced all that I can.
I want to gain confidence in myself from each and every bad experience, knowing that I had survived.
I want every good experience to be remembered forever, and I want to take nothing for granted.
I want my boyfriend to feel comfortable enough with me to want me forever.
Above all, though, I want to feel like I deserve to be wanted by him...
He is perfect in every way possible, and he deserves nothing less than equal perfection from me.
I can't be perfect until I feel like I am.
And I can't feel like I am until I am comfortable in my own skin.
Until I'm able to stomach seeing myself in the mirror every day.
This may not be what you want to hear...
We NEVER have sex anymore...
Is it because he's not interested?
No.
It's because every time he makes an advance, or even touches my sides to pull me in for a kiss, All I can see is my disgusting, fat body convulsing beneath him, expanding with every inhale, and not shrinking nearly enough with the exhales.
I am reminded of the fact that I haven't been able to enjoy sex for 2 years now, because the entire time we're doing it, I'm focusing on making myself look thinner on the off chance that he should look down and see my mountainous stomach rolls spilling out onto the bed and wiggling like gelatin with every thrust.
I love him with everything that I am, and I don't want him to doubt that because of my recent lack of interest in sex...
I'm losing control that I never knew I had...
Since my last post about my new highest weight, I've managed to gain 2 lbs and lose it again minus .10 lb.
Even that minor success is enough to keep me going...
I've been getting used to not eating again, but not on purpose.
I just can't think about food...
When the only emotion I feel is depressed or, worse, regret and guilt, food seems to slip to the back of my mind...
I'm going to weigh in the morning, and I'm hoping to the God I don't believe in that I've lost...
Even another .10 lb would be nice... At least then I'd know I was making progress.
I can't post any thinspo this time, but only because my brother is sitting right next to me and could see the pictures any time... Words blur together when you're not paying attention, but pictures draw your attention.
I love you all
xoxo
