Dear Ana,

I ate twice yesterday, the calories were a bit steep, but at least I wasn't piecing all day long like I usually was. I was doing very well having only eaten once until my mother made pizza. I had two slices.
Earlier in the day I had a bowl of vegan chili with one half cup of cheddar cheese and one and a half wheat ciabatta rolls.
Now I'm watching old movies with mother and have not eaten yet. It's about five minutes to noon, and I'm not even hungry yet.
Maybe if I'm lucky, I can make it all day without eating anything.

I believe I have begun following all of my new followers, but if I have not followed you yet, please leave me a comment and I will be sure to do that =] I always love a new life to read lol.

Now before I go off to post comments and read your blogs I'd like to leave you with some Thinspo =]
Enjoy!

xoxo
Ayden =]

Dear Ana,

I need something to keep my mind off of food, so here's some thinspo =]
Enjoy.

HIPS:

COLLAR BONES:

SHOULDER BLADES:

THIGHS:

ARMS:

I wish I could do more, but My sister will be home soon, and I can't let her see any of this.
I'm starting this new diary where I write my thoughts, and everything else down.
I'm going to start adding in an entry from this diary, or even just a quote that I find agreeable into my posts.

That way, I will be answering to myself every day, and then when I get time to be on the computer I will be updating you on everything that had been going on.
I hope this works out..
Fingers Crossed x

Dear Ana,

I have failed you... Beyond failed... Somehow, I have managed to BEAT my HIGHEST weight.
I want to fucking cry. I am officially the fattest I have ever been in my life, ever.
I am so fucking weak. I don't even deserve to have this read by you.
God DAMN. I wanted to be inspiration. I wanted to be able to have more happy posts than sad ones.
That is not happening so far.
This is a blank slate for me. I'm starting fresh, and I'm beating all the fat out of my fucking body TODAY.
I look at the other girls at my school and I can't help but think
"What makes them so special?"
"Why are they so beautiful and delicate while I'm gargantuan and hulking?"
I fucking hate this. I hate feeling like this, I hate being fat.
I want to be strong, I want to be able to give advice to you guys that doesn't fall through the floor for me.
I can't do this anymore... I can't stand by and watch myself blow up like a balloon.
My boyfriend is still skinnier than I am, and while he tries to convince me that I don't need to lose weight, I become bigger and bigger and I can't help but prove him wrong.

Every time I take even a day off from blogging here, I gain. Coincidence? I think not.
If I don't have to answer to anyone, and if I don't have to hang my innards and deepest fears out to dry, there's nothing for me to face. And I hate this.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
I failed.
I am such a failure.
I hate this.
I hate being so fucking weak and AHHHH.
I want to scream, and kick and cry.

From this day forward, I'm starting over...
178.2, and counting.
wish me luck.

Dear Ana,

Sick as fuck... Again.
I'm hacking and coughing all over my damn keyboard while watching the Parent Trap...
Dear lord... I feel like poop.
I've been binging on fruit and I've had like one deli sandwich every day since we bought the stuff to make the sandwiches.
I ate like seven oranges yesterday, for vitamin C.
I ate an entire store bowl [like four cups] of watermelon, because it's yummy
And I bought this tasty little bowl of pomegranate jewels.

I feel like shit, and I'm debating whether or not to even go to school on Monday because I have a teacher who has cancer, and due to the chemo, the small cold which I currently have, could infect and kill him.
I'd really rather not kill my teacher, thank you very much.

My sister got her driver's license yesterday and has been constantly out of the house since then.
Last weekend, I didn't post because my best friend's husband was in the hospital after having some sort of allergic reaction to one of his antibiotics. They kept him there for like two days with a big fat tube down his throat, and then when they took the tube out, he had to stay an extra night so that they could watch for any problems before sending him home.

So, that's why you haven't heard from me of late.
I have been very very naughty, though.
I haven't been weighing... like, at all. Plus, I haven't been waiting for my calories to burn off before eating something else, so they're adding up like mad. I've set myself a kind of rule to abide by until it becomes instinct, and then ramp it up to a more difficult level.
So, I will allow myself 800 non-fruit or vegetable calories every day. Seeing as fruits and vegetables require more energy to digest and process them than they actually contain, I see no harm in eating as much of them as I want lol. I already have a list of foods that are supposedly in this 'negative calorie' category... Some of them, I find it hard to believe, such as crab and lobster. But others are pretty believable. I just need to figure out a way to get a hold of these every day so that I don't drive myself insane trying not to eat simply because I haven't got any of them.
Wish me luck, ladies! Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope that this is the diet that finally sticks!
Now, I'm off to read your blogs and leave a comment here and there.
Love you all =]

Dear Ana,

So today.
Getting my hair did.
Getting my roots touched up.
Annnddd. Eating shit tons of calorie free, garlic pickles.
My only problem with fasting is the lack of taste. And if I can find vegetables and fruits that I can flavor up with calorie-free things like salt, cinnamon, and other herbs, I could do a negative calorie diet.
I really want to, so so so bad.
I hate not being able to have sex because of the way I feel about my body...
It's debilitating, and very depressing.

My friends are all the same size they were in Middle School, and I can't stand watching myself balloon up while they stay the same. It's like I'm growing and they're continually shrinking.
One friend in particular has driven me INSANE with jealousy since I met her.
I'll call her... Tori for the sake of confidentiality.

K, so I met Tori in 8th grade. We became best friends and were for about one year until she became convinced that I was stealing her boyfriend and we got in a huge fight and now were only acquaintances.
She has always been like 100 lbs, skinny, tall, and seemingly perfect.
She's always had the perfect figure, body, and just like everything.
I can't think of a time when she was without a boyfriend, she's always being hit on out and about.
I have a class with her every other day, and It drives me nuts to see her bringing in packages of mini donuts, and chips and non-diet sodas, and she never gains a pound.
Her mom is the same way. tiny.

This girl is the biggest source of thinspo in my immediate life.
Jealousy can do wonders, ladies...
Who are some thinspirational people in your lives?
xoxo

Dear Ana,

Hello all =] and new followers!
Glad to have you join in my twisted ramblings.
Probably won't be able to post much on weekdays anymore. As of next quarter, I will no longer be getting out of school earlier than the sister. Ergo, she will be around to view any and all of my computer activities...
So. I'm going to try and make the best out of this weekend, tell you what's coming up so that you can feel in the loop while I'm stuck hiding from prying eyes.

Getting new classes next quarter, some of which I'm genuinely excited about.
For some reason, I have Monday and Tuesday off this week, so that stretches the weekend a bit further.
Going job hunting probably all this weekend and next week. Need a job.
Friend's dad is playing a concert next weekend, I may go to that.
Will try to continue to read blogs at the least, just need to keep things quiet.
Sister will be getting her driving license soon. Eager to not need to drive her everywhere.
Intake has been awful lately. Above 1000 almost every day.
I'm pretty sure I've gained. Too scared to weigh and find out.
As far as the future beyond that goes, I'm not exactly one to plan things out in advance, so I'll update whenever I can, but, until then.

Here's some thinspo to ease your minds =]

xoxo

Dear Ana,

I have officially begun studying latin... Just for the fun of it, believe it or not.
I also have come down one pound after my horrendous two pound weight gain over the last few days.
Really, I'm aiming to totally turn my life around. I have been drinking 64 oz. of water every day, and I have all but gone vegetarian [with the exception of a few naughty sneaks every now and then]

Yet. I still have never felt so disgusting... Well, that's a lie. When I found out that I was at my high weight and had gained 30 pounds in six months I was absolutely horrified. So this is the second most disgusting I have ever felt lol.

Prepare for TMI

Boyfriend and I had sex last night and I couldn't focus on anything other than the way my stomach pudged out all over the place and that my thighs seemed to be closing in on him. I can't even believe this. My first goal was to be like perfect skinny by halloween, well... Halloween was 3 months ago and I still have almost nothing to show for it.

New Year's Resolution:

STOP BEING FAT
 I seriously cant even.... ugh. Just blah, BLAH.
Screaming seems like it would be a good plan right about now lol..

Well, I'm off to read and comment on blogs =]
Love you all

Dear Ana,

I haven't been posting lately for the lamest of reasons...
I have, though, spent all day reading and commenting on your blogs =]
You guys are sooo inspirational to me.
I keep hearing news of this 'Skinny Girl Diet'
I have never heard of this before... But, judging by what everyone says, it sounds legit.
I will have to look up what it is and see if I'm interested lol
I need a new endeavor to lose...
I fasted for a complete 32 hours on New Year's Eve, and what do I have to show for it???

A fucking 2 pound GAIN! FML... Majorly.
It could have been the MASSIVE amount of alcohol that I consumed, or the result of a mountain of pickles that I consumed to settle my drunk, empty stomach. No calories, but lots of sodium, which means added water weight. Perfect.

I do believe that I can do this, I have recently started a sort of check list of goals that I would like to achieve. One of those goals is to lose 70 pounds, and from there it's stuff like: Eat vegetarian, drink 64 oz of water every day, consume less than 1000 calories daily, exercise at least 20 minutes daily, and so on and so forth. I've actually been sticking with it, but I'm kind of stuck with only 5 things accomplished almost every day... I need to get my ass in gear.

Just keepin it short and sweet today. Will update later with my findings about the SGD, and maybe start up a challenge???

I owe you all a Thinspo!