I'm FUCKING Pissed.

So apparently, I have to work ON my graduation day. E V E R Y O N E  I work with is a fucking fuck-face asshole motherfucker. I hate having a job in which I need someone to cover any time I need time off.
Do these people not understand that now I have to cancel my trip up to visit my grandparents, I have to work the day of my graduation, and I now have no time to celebrate anything whatsoever.
If ANYONE thinks I'll ever cover for them again they can go fuck themselves.

As for food, I've been fucking horrible today. Big fucking surprise. I'm a fucking broken record. I never say anything new, its always the same failures, and the same complaints. Work, School, Family. Nothing new.

I really hate everything right now. I hate my body, I hate my co-workers, I hate sitting at home and watching tv for endless hours every fucking day.

Honestly. If I found out that someone needed time off to GRADUATE for fuck's sake, I would cover for them. Why the hell can't they get this through their thick, dumb skulls?
I really wish that money would just fall out of the sky and into my lap right now. Then I wouldn't need this fucking job and I wouldn't have to answer to anyone [other than the IRS] ever again.

I still can't fucking believe that these co-workers of mine are so fucking selfish. The PRECISE reason that I covered for them in the past was because I was hoping they'd pay me back for my time on this exact occasion. I've never asked for time off before. Yet whenever anyone has texted me saying they were sick or going out of town, I took their patients without question. Even if it was at night after I had been to my own shift, AND school on top of it.

And I can't yell at them. Because unfortunately, I need this job right now.
I'm fucking LIVID right now. I'm sure you've all gotten that point by now. Sorry for using you guys as a vent, I just can't talk to boyfriend about every little detail of this because honestly, it wouldn't piss me off nearly as much if I wasn't so fat that I have to actually plan out an outfit to wear. Most people plan out their clothes because they want to look cute or show off something. Me? I do it because I'm trying to hide as much as possible without looking like a freak dressed in layers in the summertime.

I can't tell boyfriend that because, even after 3 years, I've only hinted at my issues with weight and eating. He has no idea of the extent of the damage.

Everything is just hitting me so god damned hard right now. I'm fat, Boyfriend does not want to get any closer to me. Not move in, Not get married. Nothing. And now I have to work on graduation day.
I feel like my antidepressants aren't working as well anymore. My doctor won't prescribe me a larger dose, which is probably a good thing, since I can't build a tolerance this way. But I still feel that I need a drug-induced [legal] boost of confidence.

Anyway, I'm sure you've heard enough of my rant. Thank you guys for all your great comments, they make my day =]
THINSPO

[Angry Face]

Not even noon and I've already fucked up my entire day.
1 fruit tart
1 chocolate eclair
1 bowl of macaroni and cheese
1 bean and cheese burrito

All in all = 1434

I am SO fucked.
Why the hell can't I be good? I did relatively well yesterday. Only about half of a chicken salad, two granola bars, and some watermelon.
total was 856.

Still not way good. But now? I'm fucking fat. I feel like a whale. and the worst part is that it's getting warmer outside, so I'll no longer be able to hide behind baggy sweatshirts and other heavy clothes. I really want this to be easy. But the minute you let go and eat one bite, you start the entire cycle over again with the cravings and the NO NO NO in your head.
I seriously hate feeling this way. So why the hell do I keep putting myself in this situation? I feel great when I'm empty. Light. Clean. Pure. Empty. But the minute food enters my mind I lose it all for one short period of gratification.

Boys don't want to marry fat girls. I always imagined myself in this pretty strapless dress at my wedding looking all pretty and perfect and thin. I'll never get that the way things are now...

I really need help, you guys... I'm sinking here and  I don't know how to keep afloat. I try everything, pills, exercise, I'm just too damned lazy to keep up with any exercise program.. The pills keep my appetite away for a while, but the minute they wear off, I'm back to the drawing board... Do I take another pill and fuck up my sleep? or do I just tough it out and try to keep away from food for the rest of the night? Well, the latter doesn't work. That's what I try every night, and every night it fails epically.

I can't talk anymore =/ I love you guys so much for being here for me and supporting me through everything i'm going through right now and ever since I started this blog.
Here's some Thinspo to help keep you [ and me ] on our feet.

We can do this girls! I know we can.

Dear Ana,

Still haven't eaten anything.. I suppose I should be happy, but as the day wears on, I get more and more bored and closer to binging.
I really want to stay strong. If any of you have been reading my sister's blog lately, you know she's being rather successful at losing... Well, that's all good and fun for her, but I'm extremely competitive, and I don't like losing at anything... I always want to lose more weight than she does, so the fact that she's losing so much weight in so little a time is making me hate food all the more.

I guess this can be a good thing if I look at it the right way... I just find it hard to be motivated and not jealous.

Boyfriend is coming back inside.. got to go
xoxo

Dear Ana,

Lost a follower :[ sad day.
I was naughty yesterday, but what the fuck else is new?

I've been good so far today, not a single bite of anything. Only water.
Of course, I've only been awake for about four hours, so we'll see how the day plays out.
Mom said it looks like I'm losing weight.
My reaction?
Yeah fucking right.
I haven't weighed, and I don't really want to until there are visible changes in my appearance.
Visible to me, that is.

I like it when my stomach growls. It feels good. But when other people hear it, they tell me I need to eat... Any ways to make your stomach stop yelling?
Please comment and let me know.
You'll probably hear from me again today, but just in case you don't.
Here's some THINSPO

Off to comment =]
xoxo

I'm TOO BUSY

I have been gone for far far far too long!
I work five hours a day, then I go to school for five hours.
That's a ten hour day.
So, by the time I get home, I'm pretty much wiped out.

And needless to say, I've been terribly terrible. I'm back up to 175...
I hate this fucking plateau I'm on.
I eat and eat and eat, and then I'm too tired to work out because of how long my days are.
So... Something's gotta give.

I'm so sorry for leaving you guys. I hate not having this community/family to turn to whenever my day is shitty or if I feel like I'm about to binge.
I have 7 patients.
I know that doesn't seem like very much, but when you have to find a way to see all 7 before 1:30 in time for school, it's more than I can handle.
God, I can't wait to graduate. Then I can go to work and get done and just go home.

I've also been sick for the past week.
I get sick too damn much.

I owe you guys some major comments, so I'm going to do that right after this...
THINSPO