I Hate

Being the only sober person at my house.
I would be drunk right now if the alcohol didn't make me nauseous.
Of course I don't blame them all for doing their thing and having fun.
It's just the pot that bothers me.
I don't know why, I just can't stand it.
And even my mother smoked it.
She knows I hate it
My sister knows I hate it
Everyone here knows I hate it, yet they still do it around me.
I leave the room or shut down and stop talking.
Then they ask me what's wrong...
Like, Seriously???
You really fucking have to ask?
I'm tired of the drama of two girls fighting over my brother.
He's interested in neither of them.
They just act like it's a competition and he gets stressed out over the whole thing. And majorly annoyed.
My best friend/sister just lost her baby.
She was 5 fucking months pregnant
And the baby died at 7 weeks and 2 days.
I still wish my boyfriend would talk about marriage, but every time I try, he just shrugs 'I dunno'
I know he's not trying to freak me out, but it makes me feel like I can't bring it up for fear of him getting freaked out.
And I can't help but think that he would want to marry me if I was worth it.
No one wants to marry the fat girl
No one wants to watch a blimp in a white dress lumber down an aisle for which she is too large.
Not even the guests at said hypothetical wedding would want to watch such a thing.
I'm seriously no fun.
I can't get drunk anymore because the alcohol makes me sick
I do not, and will not smoke weed
And I'm not entertained by the same things my friends are.
I hate it because my little sister is the one whose willing to mold herself to fit.
Therefore, she's the fun one.
Almost all of my friends have begun hanging out and calling her instead of me.
Friends I've had since fucking middle school are now 'besties' with my fucking 16 year old sister.
And then she acts like I have no right to be sad about it.
I'm losing my friends to my own sister.
I used to hear things straight from them.
Now I hear them from my sister, after they've told her.
And that's not even the worst part.
Even she acts like I'm not a person worth being around.
She turns to my old friends with problems that she used to come to me about.
She'll be hanging out at my house WITH ME, but no friends and say, "I'm bored, I hate being alone. No one's around."
Like Who the fuck am I?
Yes, I'm jealous, but I feel like I have the right to be.
And if my sister sees this, and hears that I'm jealous, she'll show it off even more.
She talks about my old friends as if I don't fucking know them.
She tells me things about them that I definitely already know, and knew years before she did.
She'll just be worse if she finds out that I miss my old friends being MY friends.
Now, to them, I'm 'Aryn's sister'
It definitely used to be the other way around.
She finds out I'm upset, and she'll be HAPPY about it.
You may say, no she wouldn't, but you don't know her like I do.
She THRIVES on my upsets, because she spent so long being jealous of me that now that she has what I used to have, and still want, she'll be fucking THRILLED.
Again, don't even try to argue.
I know her, and that's simply how she is.
I know I sound petty and ungrateful, and I'm sorry for putting that on you girls.
I just have no one to talk to, because the people I'm surrounded by don't see any problem.
I don't expect them to.

I suppose I should stop ranting now...
It may be worth mentioning that I haven't eaten since about 4:30 or 5 this evening.
My goal is to go until that time tomorrow before eating anything.
We'll see how that goes.
I like posie's rule about not eating after 8 pm every night.
I think that's rather reasonable and would be easy to follow.
Love you girls, Stay strong!