I'm starting to look like a bulldog...

My face has never been this round before...
My cheeks aren't sagging like a bulldog, but I feel like their roundness looks bulldoggish.
I really just need a break from life right now...
No, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just wish I could go to sleep and be comatose until I'm skinny. Until all of my problems have dissolved themselves with time.
I'm too tired to deal with anything right now.
My head hurts.
I can't stop eating. It's so compulsive... Sometimes I don't even really taste my food. I just inhale it.

I don't understand how some of you can just turn off the urge to eat at will.
Statistically, only about 2% of the human population has the ability to starve themselves successfully. The rest of us are just setting ourselves up for failure when we try...

When I was fourteen, I set out to become anoretic, and I succeeded for a very short while.
Then, I started eating again because my family was worried about me.
Because of that, I now can't stop eating...

If you're reading this, thinking that its easy to just stop eating whenever you want. If you're a thirteen year old girl who thinks she's fat. Don't try to starve yourself.
There's a slim chance you'll succeed, and if you do, you might die from starvation or organ failure.
If you don't succeed, you'll end up like me. Fatter than I ever imagined would be possible, all because I tried to stop eating, and started a cycle of starving and bingeing that always leans toward the binge side.

When I was young, I set out to get an eating disorder... One of the ones that make you pretty, like ana and mia.

I got an eating disorder, alright, just not the one I wanted.
I have been officially diagnosed with EDNOS in the form of non purging bulimia. It happened back in January or February, and I don't think I've told anyone...

I just wish I had never started this... I wish I could go back to my fourteen year old self and tell her that she was fine the way she was and that if she didn't stop, she would end up 225 lbs and still gaining, always miserable, feeling unworthy of the people she loves, and in a constant struggle against herself and the food that surrounds her.

But it's too late now...

No, I didn't die... I just wish I had.

So, the other day, I went through my closet and got rid of all my old clothes that I was hoping that I'd be able to fit into again...
I just gave up on them, and it makes me sad.

I mean, yeah, I kept a few of them, but only the ones I actually plan to wear when I'm skinny... If I ever get skinny.

I didn't drop off the face of the earth, Just the face of blogger... I did a shame induced disappearance, because I now weigh 223 [yes, you did read that right]

I hate this cycle of starve, binge, fail, gain, repeat.
I know I need to exercise, and that is the best way to lose weight, but I'm so freaking tired ALL THE TIME...
I don't know if I've said this before, but I am freaking lethargic...

At random times throughout the day, I feel like I should apologize to my boyfriend for being so fat.
But I stop myself because he would get mad at me for calling myself fat.
Yeah, I'm glad he loves me the way I am, but the fact that I don't overrides it.

I really need to get back into the swing of counting calories. It worked SO well for me before. It's just really freaking hard to get back into the habit.

I doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore... It's not like I'd blame you if you stopped. I'm a broken record. I never say anything original because I keep repeating the same cycle of behavior.

I wish there was a way for me to stay motivated... I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing works long term. Not even looking at myself keeps me feeling motivated. I know I could do it if I would just make myself get up and DO IT, but that's the freaking hard part.
Especially when I feel like I could just collapse and fall asleep at any given minute.