I'm weighing in tomorrow... Let's just pray that I'm still below 170.
I asked my mother if I could try to dupe my doctor into giving me ADD meds that I don't need.
She said that the doctor would never fall for it... Which is true. This doctor is a complete Nazi [not literally]
My little sister has really bad stomach aches. Like sometimes they're so bad that she can't move. She just kind of lays there and cries until it goes away...
The doctor [we share the same doc] said "No matter how much it hurts, A stomach ache is no reason to stay home from school."
I'm like, What the Hell??? If you're in terrible pain, it's definitely a good reason to not go to school... So I kind of doubt that I'd be able to fool her into giving me Ritalin.
I found a website that you can buy Ritalin without a prescription, but... for 160 pills it's like 500 dollars... I'm like woah, no wonder people just get prescriptions... 500 dollars is insane..
I guess Ritalin is like legalized speed [meth] so that might be why it's so hard to obtain...
I just want it so bad.. Last time I was on it, I dropped weight like crazy. I want that effortless weight loss again.
I went from being obsessive about food and exercise, to not even thinking about food. Not even a little.
It's like the Ritalin erased "food" from my consciousness. I didn't think about it, I didn't care about it.
I could be sitting at a table full of people who were all eating, and just get water. And I wouldn't give a damn about the food in front of me...
The calorie calculator in my mind just went away and I just dropped the weight... it was bliss.
And now I'm a chunky monkey again, and I have no Ritalin as a quick-fix for my problems...
And the thing is, it didn't make me high. So there's no chance that I could get addicted to it. I didn't feel any different when I was on it. It was like doing nothing and losing weight. FAST.
I lost over 20 pounds over a period of one and 1/2 months...
Boyfriend slept over last night... And I just couldn't have sex with him. I wanted it BAD. But every time I would think about it, I would be reminded of all my jiggly-ness and I just couldn't... He wasn't mad or anything. He was super sweet this morning.
And that just made me want him MORE.
I need to get rid of this fatness! I want to be able to feel pretty around him...
I HATE BEING FATTER THAN MY OWN BOYFRIEND
It shouldn't happen...
Girls are supposed to be these delicate, beautiful pixies.
Fat girls can NOT be delicate... and even if it has wings, a fat fairy cannot fly...
I have my wings, I'm just too fat to even jump... let alone fly.
Girls are supposed to be delicate.
Boys are supposed to be big, strong protectors...
There's no need to protect big fat things...
Fat girls aren't envied
Fat girls aren't desired
Boys don't try to steal the fat girl
There is no reason to be jealous of fat girls. [[Unless they're rich]]
It's just so stupid!
Why can't I be like the other girls who don't care what they eat, and are tiny, or confident even if they aren't tiny.
Why can't I be like the girls who don't have built in calorie calculators in their heads?
I wish I could pick up a granola bar, or even make something as simple as scrambled eggs without automatically counting up the calories in my mind...
I have so many calorie contents memorized that you could probably show me a picture of any american food, and I would be able to tell you how many calories it has per serving...
It's S-T-U-P-I-D stupidstupidstupid.
Me and my wishing... oh how time is wasted so easily
Thank you, girls, for listening to my ramblings, and my fucked up views of the world and how things are supposed to be...
I have no clue what I would do without you..
Love you all =]
hun, dont feel bad about rambling.
ReplyDeletewe all need to.
instead of just complaining about your looks, put that to good use and think of it as thinspo: all the things you wish you could be...picture them every time you feel a binge coming.
*support*
*support*
*support*
xoxox
those thoughts go through my mind everyday! i think taking ritalin if you don't need could be dangerous...you're a strong girl and you can do it without! xx
ReplyDeletemyhead is the same way hun always couting cals always adding them up
ReplyDeleteand ur doc is a dick just like mine
if ur si is in that much pain that something is wrong
and u will b fragile lose the weight and u will b
stay strong
I wish I could be prescribed ADD meds. They might help my concentration throughout the day. I often forget what I am thinking about or what I was about to do.
ReplyDeleteThis is like reading my mind haha oh girl... I wonder the same stuff :P And I HATE plateaus.
ReplyDeleteI want to get hold of some Ritalin, I'm just so interested to try it and see for myself you know?
ReplyDeleteAnd if you actually talk/ask people, more girls have calorie calculators than you think. Girls that I would never in a million years think have the slightest issue talking about how they skip dinner, count cals, only have salad.
It's sad but true. Nowadays most women have fucked up attitudes to their bodies.
Your ramblings are beautiful and I will always want to hear them!
Love you xx
I used to think EXACTLY the same as you, love.
ReplyDeleteI knew every calorie in every food.
By being that way - I achieved my weight loss goal but then I just ended up gaining again when I forgot about all these things.
It's also lovely that you have an understanding b.f. When I refused sex last time I was seeing a boy he asked me if I "could try harder" to have sex with him more more. haha. Ew.
Anyway, good luck with your journey. You'll get there soon xx
I know exactly how you feel
ReplyDeleteI'm much bigger than my bf and when we do have sex which isn't often because i feel so fat and gross i refuse to do anything but lay on my back because if i see my fat it's all i can think about i'm like oh fat urgh look at my belly moving am i hurting you can you breath
he says im over reacting but you know how it is.
i wish i could be how i used to be as well i was determined it was paying off i barely ever fucked up and i wasnt nearly as fat as i am now and i was so close to my ultimate goal.
we are about the same weight after looking at your weight chart.
if you want some kinda of ana buddy or that i'm here if you need me :) good luck doll