Dear Ana,

I have failed you... Beyond failed... Somehow, I have managed to BEAT my HIGHEST weight.
I want to fucking cry. I am officially the fattest I have ever been in my life, ever.
I am so fucking weak. I don't even deserve to have this read by you.
God DAMN. I wanted to be inspiration. I wanted to be able to have more happy posts than sad ones.
That is not happening so far.
This is a blank slate for me. I'm starting fresh, and I'm beating all the fat out of my fucking body TODAY.
I look at the other girls at my school and I can't help but think
"What makes them so special?"
"Why are they so beautiful and delicate while I'm gargantuan and hulking?"
I fucking hate this. I hate feeling like this, I hate being fat.
I want to be strong, I want to be able to give advice to you guys that doesn't fall through the floor for me.
I can't do this anymore... I can't stand by and watch myself blow up like a balloon.
My boyfriend is still skinnier than I am, and while he tries to convince me that I don't need to lose weight, I become bigger and bigger and I can't help but prove him wrong.

Every time I take even a day off from blogging here, I gain. Coincidence? I think not.
If I don't have to answer to anyone, and if I don't have to hang my innards and deepest fears out to dry, there's nothing for me to face. And I hate this.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
I failed.
I am such a failure.
I hate this.
I hate being so fucking weak and AHHHH.
I want to scream, and kick and cry.

From this day forward, I'm starting over...
178.2, and counting.
wish me luck.