Dear Ana,

GOD
I'm so motherfucking fat. This has to be a short post since boyfriend is sitting next to me and playing call of duty. While he's occupied, I thought I'd update on how disgracefully naughty I've been.

So yesterday.

We went to this cute little international store where they have different candies and foods from all over the world. Needless to say, we bought a BUNCH.
Caramel
Gingerbread
Gummy raspberries
Licorice wheels
Chocolate
Chocolate
Chocolate.

Today, I ate something from almost every category up there... And then some sinfully delicious apple coffee cake thing that boyfriend bought... I ate the rest of it...
I have no fucking self control. And the fact that I have to keep repeating that to you is proof of its truth

I can't do this.
I can't keep living like a gelatinous blob. I roll to the fridge, absorb the contents, and roll back to the television to live vicariously through the skinny, beautiful television people.

I don't fucking deserve this diamond.
I stare at it on my fat finger every day and wonder why the hell I'm not trying as hard as I could be.
I COULD be losing a pound a day
But I'm not
I COULD be making progress and doing actually well
But I'm not.

I am going to the gym EVERY DAY. whether my fat ass likes it or not.
Every morning before school
And on the weekends, when there is no school, I'll go anyway.
Here's the thing.
If I grant myself "rest days" Where I don't work out, I never end up going back.
I spend weeks saying, "I'll go tomorrow, I'm too tired today."
Then, months later, I try to fit into my fat jeans and lo and behold, they don't fucking fit anymore either.

I want to be proud to be seen in public with him...
Here's the kicker.
Most people who are embarrassed to be seen out and about with someone are embarrassed about that someone... Not in this case.
I'm embarrassed FOR that someone.

He is so perfect and gorgeous and he has to walk around with pudgy little me.

I want him to WANT to show me off. I want people to tell him how hot his girlfriend is and tell him hes lucky to have me.
In my current condition, however, I'd be lucky if they commented on my hair or clothing.
Hell, I'd be lucky if they told him I was fat...
No one even pays any notice to me... I used to get hit on out in public, and I used to get pestered for my phone number everywhere I went. I really was hot.
Now?

I get a first glance at best.

I will deserve him. I will have him gawking at me in a bikini THIS SUMMER... I don't want to be fat for my graduation!

Now??
Scene Thinspo!

Dear Ana,

Kind of confused, and therefore a bit upset.
Last night, one of my best friends texts boyfriend and asks if we would all get an apartment together.
I have no job, and therefore, no income, thus, no money for rent, so that was a no.
But boyfriend was actually considering the possibility.

This is the confusing part.

Every time I ever asked him if he would live with me in the past he would shrug his shoulders.
*which is his equivalent of saying "no, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I'll just shrug".*

So last night, I was like "What the hell???"
I was kind of happy that he was considering it, but kind of miffed as well.
He'll do that for bbf [boy best friend], but not for me?
Dramatic I know, but seriously?
I'm just a little confused right now.
This confusion resulted in a 3 a.m. binge of coffee cake, little debbie cookies and little debbie cakes.

I'm way happy that he's changed his mind, but I want to live with him, not because bbf wants to, but because he wants to.
BlahBlahBlah
I'm done with the girly whining.

Thinspo!
My pick for winner is, at Mich's request, Winter!

Dear Ana,

Haven't eaten yet today, and *knock on wood* I'd like to keep the intake at a minimum seeing as I didn't go to the gym this morning as I had planned. I'll try for tomorrow, but the outlook is bleak.
I just can't seem to get my sleepy ass out of bed.
So warm, so comfy, and then..... BUZZZZZZZ!!!
My alarm goes off and I'm angry and startled and that's when I hit the snooze button and the cycle begins.
Finally I just picked up my phone and set the alarm for 7:00, so I could get up and shower before school.
But nooo. I couldn't wake up then, either.
So I end up getting up at 8:00, rushing around and only having time to wash my hair.
I had to apply mounds of deodorant, and even then, I still feel filthy.

Why does time hate me so?

Aside from that, I had a pretty decent day. Nothing spectacular, as usual.
So here's the Thinspo winner for today:
Bikini