Dear Ana,

I'm very good at being a bad blogger.
I post once every like month or so.
Then, when I do post, All I do is complain about how horribly I've behaved whilst I was gone.
I need to post more, because I always do better when I'm constantly on here.
I loved the advice and ideas you guys gave me, especially the ideas from Piggy and *b.
I'd like to combine the two... I will eat healthy things, but still only eat meager amounts.
Plus, I've started a vitamin regimen.
Once all this shit with the asshole nutritionist gets settled, I might hire a Personal Trainer, but I don't know.
I also NEED to get back to the gym.
I'm paying for the membership for a reason, and I need to take advantage of it.
I'll restart my cardio and weight training programs slowly, so I don't hurt myself.
I'm still open and hopeful for any more advice you all can give.
I love you all so much!

Back To Square Uno...

You read it right. I'm above my highest weight now...
181.9 to be exact. [with clothes on, but who cares. That number is unacceptable.]

I hired a nutritionist who says I need to eat every 4 hours, and exercise every day.
I'm fine with the exercising part... It's the eating that bugs me.
I knew I'd gain if I was allowed to eat.
I FUCKING KNEW IT.

I tried to tell him I didn't want to meet with him anymore... Then the bastard reminded me that I signed a 3 month contract, so I'm stuck unless I want to pay my way out of it. Which I can't do.
I need to lose weight, but at this point, I don't even feel like i can anymore.
Every time I try to fast, I binge.
Every time I try to do it the healthy way, I gain.
I can't stand this endless cycle anymore

Do you remember earlier this year when I said that I wanted to be thin by this time?
Well, you can all see that I more than failed.

I've been living off of protein shakes and oatmeal... yet still I gain?!
...WTF...
I seriously am about ready to slice open my stomach and rip out the fat with my bare fucking hands.
I've done nothing productive since I've been gone, so I won't even try to tell you that I've accomplished something.
I need to escape.
I need to go back to being the depressed, suicidal girl I was in 9th grade.
At least then I was skinny.

Hunger fucks everything up.
Screw biology.
Screw anatomy.
Screw everything.
I need to be skinny. I miss my fucking hipbones.
Even my neck feels huge...
I want my collar bones back...

I need advice. If you have any, I want to hear how you guys all get back on track when you fall off the wagon. I want to hear any and everything that helps you girls when you're feeling the way I do now.
A girl I went to school with did the make-up in this picture. I'll post pictures of the girl herself below.
vvvvvvvvvvv

These next few photos are of a girl with whom I went to school. She's absolutely perfect in every way, and I can honestly say that I wish I was her...

She is perfect, and the ultimate inspiration!