Dear Ana,

I'm weighing in tomorrow... Let's just pray that I'm still below 170.
I asked my mother if I could try to dupe my doctor into giving me ADD meds that I don't need.

She said that the doctor would never fall for it... Which is true. This doctor is a complete Nazi [not literally]
My little sister has really bad stomach aches. Like sometimes they're so bad that she can't move. She just kind of lays there and cries until it goes away...

The doctor [we share the same doc] said "No matter how much it hurts, A stomach ache is no reason to stay home from school."

I'm like, What the Hell??? If you're in terrible pain, it's definitely a good reason to not go to school... So I kind of doubt that I'd be able to fool her into giving me Ritalin.

I found a website that you can buy Ritalin without a prescription, but... for 160 pills it's like 500 dollars... I'm like woah, no wonder people just get prescriptions... 500 dollars is insane..

I guess Ritalin is like legalized speed [meth] so that might be why it's so hard to obtain...

I just want it so bad.. Last time I was on it, I dropped weight like crazy. I want that effortless weight loss again.

I went from being obsessive about food and exercise, to not even thinking about food. Not even a little.

It's like the Ritalin erased "food" from my consciousness. I didn't think about it, I didn't care about it.
I could be sitting at a table full of people who were all eating, and just get water. And I wouldn't give a damn about the food in front of me...

The calorie calculator in my mind just went away and I just dropped the weight... it was bliss.

And now I'm a chunky monkey again, and I have no Ritalin as a quick-fix for my problems...

And the thing is, it didn't make me high. So there's no chance that I could get addicted to it. I didn't feel any different when I was on it. It was like doing nothing and losing weight. FAST.

I lost over 20 pounds over a period of one and 1/2 months...

Boyfriend slept over last night... And I just couldn't have sex with him. I wanted it BAD. But every time I would think about it, I would be reminded of all my jiggly-ness and I just couldn't... He wasn't mad or anything. He was super sweet this morning.

And that just made me want him MORE.

I need to get rid of this fatness! I want to be able to feel pretty around him...

I HATE BEING FATTER THAN MY OWN BOYFRIEND

It shouldn't happen...

Girls are supposed to be these delicate, beautiful pixies.

Fat girls can NOT be delicate... and even if it has wings, a fat fairy cannot fly...

I have my wings, I'm just too fat to even jump... let alone fly.

Girls are supposed to be delicate.
Boys are supposed to be big, strong protectors...

There's no need to protect big fat things...

Fat girls aren't envied
Fat girls aren't desired
Boys don't try to steal the fat girl

There is no reason to be jealous of fat girls. [[Unless they're rich]]

It's just so stupid!

Why can't I be like the other girls who don't care what they eat, and are tiny, or confident even if they aren't tiny.

Why can't I be like the girls who don't have built in calorie calculators in their heads?
I wish I could pick up a granola bar, or even make something as simple as scrambled eggs without automatically counting up the calories in my mind...

I have so many calorie contents memorized that you could probably show me a picture of any american food, and I would be able to tell you how many calories it has per serving...

It's S-T-U-P-I-D stupidstupidstupid.

Me and my wishing... oh how time is wasted so easily

Thank you, girls, for listening to my ramblings, and my fucked up views of the world and how things are supposed to be...

I have no clue what I would do without you..

Love you all =]

Dear Ana,

I'm down to 169!!! WOOHOO!!I am out of the 170s and I am NEVER going back =]

yayayayayayayay!

Hope everyone else is doing this well =] Love you all!

Dear Ana,

I'm still simply maintaining... I don't know what more I can do!

I'm eating less than 800 calories every day, [[Today, I'm at 710, and I'm not gonna eat anything else!]]
I've drained two 30 oz bottles of water and have had about 400 mgs of caffeine.

I feel jittery and weird and just plain MAD. It's like I'm going crazy! I need to lose weight! I want to be to my goal by this weekend!

[[Saturday night, to be exact... Boyfriend is sleeping over that night]]

I want to be noticeably smaller by then. I can't wait till I can fit into this one pair of size 5s that I have. They're red leopard print, and they're sooooo cute!

I have been in the 170s for too damn long... If I don't see a 160 number within the next 5 days, I'm going to fucking scream! I miss being on Ritalin. When I was on ritalin, I simply wasn't hungry. I don't want to buy it illegally, because that would be fucking expensive. More fucking expensive than the prescription itself.....

Maybe, since I'm turning eighteen in about a month and a half, I'll get my own doctor, and feign symptoms of ADD... it worked before... I never fucking thought I had ADD, but they were making me lose weight so fast that my mom made me stop taking them... I lost 20 pounds in like a month and a half... it was awesome...

FUCK... I'm sick of being fat... I haven't binged all day. I just had a little meal thing at lunch. I made sure that it had tons of protein so that I would stay full longer. Plus, protein makes you burn like 65% more calories than you would if you didn't have it.
I would just really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really like to be skinny again.

If skinny had a flavor... I'd almost be able to taste it right now... That's how badly I want it.

I love all your comments =] they're so sweet and supportive and just thank you sooo much...

Also. For those of you who post Thinspo's on your blogs, I thank you very very much. They give me the kick that I need when I'm feeling below motivated.

You girls are the best =]

Dear Ana,

So I have met my two best friends in the whole wide world...

Cigarettes, and Coffee, but Coffee sometimes likes to be called Caffeine Pills. The pills have messed up my appetite, so I haven't been eating as much lately, and I haven't gained anything...

I won't be able to weigh until Monday, when I go to the gym [cuz I have my CNA class from 8 to 6 on both Saturday and Sunday...] So, tomorrow is my only day off. It really sucks... I want to go running tonight, but madre will not allow me to go outside... I want to go outside sooooo badly right now... I think I might go out and jump on my trampoline lol.

Sad night... Boyfriend is closing at work, and will not be off till like 11 or 12... So he's just gonna go home afterward... I hate it that he works so much... But at the same time, I know it's good for us to not be together ALL the time.

We have gone two weeks without sex....... DIFFICULT.... But I keep myself from throwing myself at him because
A] I like being able to wake up next to him naked in the mornings, and he won't be able to sleep over again for a couple weeks because of his job.

and

B] I want to be a lot skinnier before he sees me naked again. I've lost 5 pounds since the last time we had sex, so that's a slight change.

But for those of you who are nymphos like me... you know how upsetting it can be to go this long without sex.

Sorry for the TMI, just a little something I have been inwardly complaining about for... well, since the day after we slept together... I would very much like to have sex every day if it was possible... but Alas, neither his schedule, nor mine, will allow for it.

Oh, dear lord. I want to be skinny so damned bad that I can nearly feel my bones poking out.

Love you, girls, Stay Strong =]

Dear Ana,

I need a text buddy. It doesn't matter where you are, I could just really use someone to talk to. It's becoming harder and harder to keep up with Ana's fast pace. She keeps moving forward, and I've fallen in the fatty mud and can't get up... And the worst thing is, she's not waiting for me.

I haven't gained any weight, but I'm afraid that I might if my family keeps bringing ooey gooey treats into the house...

It would definitely help if I had someone to text every time I was feeling weak. And I would be greatly supportive to you. I would help you every bit as much as you need me.

But I'm afraid that I might fall again... and this time, not just in the mud... There's a cliff up ahead, and I think I'm sliding toward it.

I'm in the U.S. if that matters on your phone plan. It doesn't matter on mine, I have unlimited text, so we can text 24/7 if you need it...

If you are interested, comment this message with your e-mail if you have one, or comment me asking for mine, and we can e-mail each other our numbers. You don't have to tell me your real name if you use a fake one, and i will keep everything you tell me absolutely private.

I really need help... Will you help me?

p.s. Please don't comment on this post unless it's with an e-mail or a request for mine... I don't want to have to weed through a whole lot to find the ones I need.

I would appreciate comments on other posts though lol.
Thank you, girls! Love yooou all

Dear Ana,

Not only did I fail, I epically failed....

K. So I didn't eat at all yesterday, or the day before [i started the fast early just to make sure that I actually did it.]

And today, little sister decided to be thoughtful and bring me KFC. I couldn't turn it down after she had just spent her own money to buy me something... I feel awful for eating, but at the same time, I feel like I made my sister happy by accepting her gift.

I guess that its good that I didn't binge... And that I fasted the two days before... So, Isobel, I guess I just started a bit early???

I hope everything is going well for you and everyone who joined in... I'm not gonna eat anything for the rest of the night, and besides that, I'm going to keep it below 800 calories for the day.. And after that Imma keep restricting more and more. the good news is that I haven't gained any weight in the past week lol...

Good luck, and Stay Strong, ladies =]

I'm probably not going to be able to post a whole lot in the next couple weeks, so I'll post as much as I can, but I'm taking a CNA class that goes for 10 hours per day. So I'm pretty booked lol.

I love you all!

Dear Ana,

MIDNIGHT

I have joined Isobel and BellaAna in a 48 hour liquid fast starting tonight at midnight. Isobel is calling it the Count Down To Skinny Challenge!

Whose in?
Isobel has a fun idea that we could start a worldwide thing! That would be sooo awesome to know that almost the whole world is doing exactly the same thing as you are, and is supporting you!

It's like a secret, silent club =D

I've always loved clubs... not gonna lie... secret ones are the best ones.

I've only been maintaining my weight at 170, and I am sick of being the same weight for 3 consecutive days... Glad I didn't gain, but Sad I haven't lost.

HERE ARE ISOBEL'S RULES =] [I'm copying and pasting them here directly from her blog to make sure that I have them all right, and that I don't forget to put any of them in here.]
It is in Isobel's words and everything....

• All liquids are okay, including smoothies and blended soups (I draw the line at chunky stuff like minestrone)
• If you feel weak, or faint, eat! Make it a good choice that's all I ask. Healthy, green and veggie is best.
• Although the fast technically ends midnight Sunday, I personally won't be eating until 10am Monday which makes my fast 58hours.
• To everyone in different time zones, just start at midnight of the day you're reading this and carry on for 48 hours!
• I'll do a check in post as often as I can and everyone who joins can say how they are holding up. It'd be awesome if some others could mention it too and we could get a worldwide thing going! It'd be like this huge secret conference we're all attending :)

So join if you're interested =] and SPREAD THE WORD It really would be amazing if we could get it to go worldwide!!!

And here is some Pre-Fast motivation!!

BIG International Thinspo!!

See. I told you it was BIG =] Stay strong, ladies =] I'll post my progress and you should all do the same =]

Dear Ana,

Good afternoon Ladies =]

So this morning after I worked out I weighed and... I've lost another pound =]
I'm now 170... It's still huge. But its one pound less of hugeness haha.

I still feel disappointed that I didn't lose more. But I still have the rest of my life to go. So why rush now???

I really want to be down a bunch by Halloween, though, so I can wear a slutty, sexy costume.
I'm not sure where to peg my goal to be by then? 150-145?? Idk.. I'd definitely like to be less than that, but I'll take whatever I can get as long as it's not a gain.

I am in a really good mood today =] And watching Family Guy is definitely increasing that level of happiness. Plus, My caffeine pills should be here soon =] I can't wait!!!

Once I get them, I'll be able to run for SO much longer... and that way I'll burn that many more calories =]]]]]

Hope everything is going well with all of you =]
And Thank you all for your great comments and support! You guys are the best =] Like my second family of all sisters and no parents... doesn't really work... but it's a nice thought =D

Love you all, Stay Strong!

Dear Ana,

This is gonna be a Thank you Post because I've gotten so many Supportive and heart warming comments that I don't have the time to go to each individual profile and comment back lol..

So Here goes..

Isobel: I know I shouldn't beat myself up, it's just that sickening feeling of guilt that I get every time I let myself cave. And While I didn't do nearly as bad as I could have done, I still didn't do as well as I could have done.. I'm glad you haven't gained, though! Great Job! This whole thing is so difficult to do without all this support and having you to do this with is just wonderful! Love you sweetie =]

BonesarePure & BellaAna: I know. I really love getting together with my family, I just don't like how much they eat. And Most of my family is traditional Italian, so we eat A LOT. You all know what that's like. I've read on some of your blogs that you have family reunions and whatnot. Those are awful. Sure it's great to see your family, it's just not too great when they try to shovel food down your throat lol. Thank you for your support, lovelies!

Bonanified: My family has been there too. My little sister would always complain that we didn't have enough "normal" food around the house [Oreo's, chips, candies, stuff like that.] And so My mom would buy them just to please the spoiled little sibling lol. And I haven't always been so health conscious either. Nor was I one of the tiny girls who could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. Just keep ignoring their yucky food, and buying your own. Eventually, they'll be so sick of unhealthy food that they'll have to buy something nutritious... Even if it's just carrot sticks, it's definitely a start. Stay Strong =]

Posie: It's true. We definitely all have situations in which we must eat in order to appease others... I just wish it was at a place like a salad bar, or something... And it sucks that Italian restaurants don't have the "Nutrition Facts" labeled on all their dishware lol. Thank you for the uplift, darling =]]]


Amy: I definitely am trying lol. It's almost six o'clock, and my intake rests at 598.1. So we'll see how this works out. Thank you, love =], and Stay Strong!

You guys are all the greatest friends that I could ever have. It's kind of like we're all a family, you know? We all support and help each other out. It is just absolutely great!

And what's even better than that is the fact that no one says anything mean to one another =] it's all happy =]

I love you guys more than you know, Stay strong, and reach your goals =]]]]]

Dear Ana,

This is going to be a short post because boyfriend is on his way over and I don't know when he'll be here.

So... Here I go.
This morning I pulled on a pair of pants that have been too tight on me for the past like year and a half. They feel looser, and I didn't have to struggle to pull them on.

I hope this is good news lol. I haven't weighed yet, but I will be weighing and updating tomorrow after I work out and If I haven't lost, I will totally die lol

Boyfriend just arrived, so I must go lol

Love you all. Stay Strong!

Dear Ana,

I'm up to 21 followers!!!

Thank you and Hellooooo!

Yesterday was not good.... No Bueno..
My grandpa took me and my family to lunch, and I couldn't NOT eat. You know? It would be completely rude since I never get to see them. So I completely blew it yesterday.

But I just ordered some caffeine pills online and they should be here by next wednesday. This is a good thing =]

My mom just got home, so I have to go. Love you all =]

Dear Ana,

Hello Lovelies =]

My intake for today has been approximately 685.4 calories =] I'm not going to eat one more thing at ALL!

And tomorrow, I'll lower the calories even more. I hoped to fast today, but you know how when you go for so long without food, and then your brain starts to panic? Like I knew I was being naughty, but I felt like I couldn't stop..

Well, I'm stopping NOW.

And without further adieu, Here is some thinspo =]

Also... I would like to thank Isobel for joining me. We are going to play a little game this weekend, and see how much we can lose by Monday.

If any of you would like to join us, you're more than welcome!

Stay strong, ladies =D