2 slices of pizza ~ 400
2 breadsticks ~ 300
est. 10 pieces of calamari ~ 200
1.5 plates of salad [with dressing] ~ 525
Olive Garden Steak Medallions w/ gorgonzola alfredo ~ >.< 1310
1 piece of raspberry cheesecake ~ 890
Damage: ~ 3625
Hot damn. I'm a failure at this fucking thing called life. I feel so sick to my stomach with guilt.
I just took 3 laxatives, and if they don't work in an hour or so, I'll take a couple more.
I'm also attempting to flush myself out with hot tea and water.
I feel like I failed you all.
Hell. If I can't even control WHAT I eat when I eat, This weight of mine is going to continue to be a serious problem. I fucking hate looking at myself in the mirror.
and This Morning when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was back at 172 I damn near smacked myself.
Then tonight at dinner I was like. "Well, I've already failed today. Might as well just keep going."
So here I am. At 3625 calories for. one. fucking. day.
I will be going to the gym tomorrow depending on how my throat feels. Exercise would be the opposite of what I need if I haven't gotten even a little better.
Most likely, though, I'll end up racked with guilt until I finally get up off my fat ass and get to the gym.
At the gym tomorrow, All the calories that I burn will go to taking some numbers off of today's total.
I will grant myself no net negative calorie intakes. I'm granting no mercy.
If the family gets hungry, or if mom gets hungry tomorrow [I gave mother whatever I have =( ...] I'll simply offer to go out alone and pick up the food. Then I'll just say that I ate it on my way home, or while I was in the restaurant waiting for theirs to be done. Today, I almost made it through the day on only those 2 pieces of pizza. And I would've been fine.
Boyfriend wanted food, Mother wanted food. Both wanted Olive Garden. It would've been weird to sit there in the restaurant with Boyfriend while he ate... I'm not making excuses for myself by any means, and I need willpower desperately.
Dear Lord, I hate this disgusting overflowing feeling that I get whenever I try to fit into my clothes. I even wore a pair of pants that are too small for me to keep myself motivated.
And... by the end of dinner, I was afraid that the damned button would pop off and fly across the restaurant.
Don't hesitate to call me a fat ass, pathetic, weak. Any of those would do. You wouldn't be insulting me. Only telling the truth.
Ultra Long Thinspo: Because I need it.
Hey honey, I just want to say to you, DON'T GIVE UP!
ReplyDeleteOk so you had a lot today, just make your aim today to have under 2000, don't push it more than that, it's not sustainable I PROMISE.
Then go under 1500, then 1000 and stay there.
Honestly if it's under 800-1000 and you're working out, that's enough for you to lose, and it means you can eat and not hurt yourself or beat yourself up about it. I worked out your BMR and then minused 1000 cals per day and it still leaves 1233 cals. (Sorry if that's totally creepy and weird!)
I love you and I know how unhappy you are at this weight. I am unhappy at mine too. But I know that if I starve, I binge.
The only way is sensible restriction and exercise. I don't want to sound preachy so please don't think I'm being patronising, please! I just want to help you because you sound so sad.
I love you xxx
u'll just have to start doing better hun
ReplyDeleteu gotta try adn get outof the mind set i alreayd fucke dup might as well keep going
i do that sometime too but if u get outo f that mindset that its better
at least the intake will giv eur metabolism a great boost tjust think of that
stay strong hun
Thank you soooo much for the thinspo... I really needed it...
ReplyDeleteand dont be too hard on yourself about the intake... I did shitty too.
Let's just do better tomorrow, kay???
Love you!
Kels