Dear Ana,

I'm now up to forty followers =] Thank you guys! Your support means everything to me!

So my calorie intake for so far today is 900 exactly. Not too bad, not too good.
It seems that the longer I go between postings, the more I pack on to my calorie intakes. I am so deathly afraid to weigh myself that I feel like crying every time I see my scale.

I know that posting every day would probably keep me on track and successful, but it seems like every time I mess up, or eat one too many calories, I am way too ashamed to even look at my computer, let alone try actually posting.

I've made it over 1000 calories every day in the past week, and I'm pretty sure I even made it up into the 2000s once or twice before that. I hate this. I hate feeling so ashamed. You all have success stories and you will get into slumps, but it seems like every time one of you hits a plateau, you find the willpower to jump down and get back on the right track...

I just find a way to eat more and more every fucking day. I say, after this cookie, I'll eat nothing else for the rest of the day. Or I'll wake up and feel so optimistic and I'll make it to about 3 or 4 and then I'll shove everything in my kitchen down my fat throat. It's so disappointing to read all these stories that say "I'm back in the 100s and I want to die" and when I see those, all I can think is "Gee, I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shoes" I have no clue how much I weigh, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if I'm pushing 175. I feel screams welling up in my throat, begging to get out.

But I think that If I all of a sudden burst out screaming at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason, people might be a tiny bit concerned for the state of my mind. I'm sure that you've felt this. It's like you want to cry, but there are no tears. You want to scream, but you're afraid that someone might hear. And if someone hears, they begin asking questions that you're in no mood to answer.

I feel so ashamed of myself for leaving for so long while I wallowed in nothing but mountains of fattening fluff. I haven't been reading any of your blogs, but as soon as I'm done with this post I will be reading like no other. I feel like I abandoned you. Especially since I understand that you guys need just as much support as I do, and I really love being able to contribute to that. I like being someone to turn to, I like being the one who makes your day by leaving an uplifting comment.

Well, I have vented, =] I'm off to read blogs!
Stay Strong, Ladies! xxoo