Dear Ana,

I've been bad. Really bad.
But I doubt any of you are surprised.
I basically said "fuck off" to the diet and kicked it out on its happy ass.
Now I'm floating between daily binges and intermittent fasting... the fasting only lasts a few hours though.
I'm in such bad shape.
I went out and bought yet more pills. Hopefully these ones will help me more than the others. It's pure Hoodia. Which is a rare cactus whose extract is supposed to cause extreme appetite suppression.
Which is exactly what I need. Since I have no self control whatsoever, that is.
I've been adding more and more vitamins into my diet, and I've been drinking like 2 quarts of water daily. I know it needs to be more, but whatevs. I'll work up to it gradually.
Best friend is having another baby, and I've developed that 'aching-empty-womb' feeling.

Now it's going to be back to diet drinks and tons o' pills.
I have tons of caffeine pills, green tea pills, ephedra pills, now hoodia, and spiralina, which is supposedly like pure protein. We'll see about that.
I just need to get my fat ass in gear.
Summer is here.
Did I meet my goals?
No.
Am I surprised?
Not in the least.
And that's really depressing. I should have at least been expecting to reach my goals. But no, I was only hanging them out to dry and then reapplying them to the backs of my eyelids to look at like fancy window dressings.

I know I can do this... I just don't know how to make myself behave. Punishing myself doesn't work for shit, and rewards don't work either since if I'm able to give it to myself, I can get it now.
The one reward that I can't have until I'm skinny, though, are the red leopard print jeans in my closet.
the size 7.
I do want to be smaller than that, but I'd like to use them as a marking point.
So I took two Hoodia pills about an hour or two ago, and I'm hoping I don't get hungry.
I'm not right now, so that's a good sign.

I owe you guys a super huge ginormous lovely thinspiration since I abandoned you for such a long time. I was honestly ashamed to show my face here *figuratively speaking, of course* because of how horrid I've been lately. But that's over now. I'm turning over a new leaf and starting anew.
Right.
Now.



THinSPo

-------------------EDIT----------------------

It turns out that my Hoodia pills DO work =D
I was starving, and I made myself some oatmeal with blueberries, and I couldn't even eat one serving!
I'm so happy!!!
Love you girls =]
I'm off to bed, I'll try to get on and read and comment tomorrow, once I get off work.
Sleep well, lovelies!

-------------------EDIT... AGAIN------------

Thank you guys for all your wonderful comments on my last post. I was really sick, but I'm all better now thanks to your lovely thoughts =]
I love you all!