Just a rant...

So, I tried on an old pair of jeans [I'll not post the size, because it's horrid] expecting them to fit.
They did not. I mean, I could have forced them on and sat uncomfortably all day while wearing them and had to wear a long sweatshirt so no one could see the pudge, but I decided not to.
Now I'm wearing one of the only pairs of pants that fits me, and there are holes at the thigh from all the rubbing. I'm forcing myself to endure the feeling because I figure it's punishment for letting myself get this way.

I want to see my next goal on Monday [I changed my weigh-in day to Monday because Boyfriend works that day]
175. I know that should seem disgusting to me, but after seeing 204 on a scale in May [with clothes on, but fucking still!] it seems like getting back on track. As of last weigh-in I've lost a total of 21 lbs from where I started in July.. That should make a difference! 20 lbs is a big checkpoint for some people! But I still look the same.. My clothes still fit the same way, I still cringe whenever boyfriend touches my middle, even when I'm standing up.
The only difference I've really noticed is that my bras are fitting normally again.. No more disgusting overflow of boobage.

What I really want is to get to the point where I feel comfortable posting vlogs. I, personally, like watching vlogs more than reading posts [those of you who don't do vlogs, I still adore reading your posts] because you can see the person who is behind the blog. I feel like it allows us to connect in a way that we normally wouldn't be able to.

Lately, I've been trying to find something that is time consuming and engrossing so that I'm not thinking about anything else, and therefore not obsessing about food all day. The day that Boyfriend and I watched the resident evil movies, I think my number was around 600 for the entire day! Since I'd never seen them, I wanted to pay attention so that I didn't miss anything. I wanna find something like that, that I can do every day to take my mind off of food. Posting here helps, because reading your thoughts and posting my own helps to give me a renewal of motivation, which I feel I need desperately! My numbers for the past few days have been awful! [like mostly around 1350 awful]

Anyway, I need to go do my hair and put on makeup.
Love you all!
XOXO

A Little Of Everything

My blood-draw went well. I was SO happy to get a phlebotomist who knew what she was doing. She got it on the first try, and actually took her time finding the vein. I was in and out of there in 10 minutes.

I'm down to 178.6! So glad to see that number again. Now, in order to have the same results, though, I'll have to make some tweaks to the diet plan. I'll try 1,000 calorie limit. I made that yesterday, with a final number of 955. So I just barely made it, but I think I can do it. I'll just need to be A LOT more strict with myself. I'm a little disappointed that I'm happy to see 178. Two summers ago I was MORTIFIED by this number. I need to be more realistic with myself this time. I won't lose control =] plain and simple.

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I went to a restaurant with Boyfriend for breakfast [this is why I like that he knows I'm on a diet. He never pressures me to eat what he knows I can't] I just had coffee, we sat and talked while he ate and then went to rent the Resident Evil movies [because I'd never seen them before]
We spent all day watching movies and just hanging out together. It was wonderful! Since he got his job I rarely see him. He works from 5 a.m. to whenever he finishes the day's work. Sometimes he comes home around 2, other times he won't get home until 8 or 9. I never know when he'll be home because of how unpredictable his times are.

I did another BMR calculation because of my weight, and it's now 1645. When I started it was 2073, so now the number of calories I'd require to maintain is about 99 calories lower than on July 16th when I started the diet. I'd still be okay with the 1500 calorie limit, my weight loss just wouldn't be as quick.

I have a head ache, so I'mma go take some ibuprofen.
Love you xx

In Honor of Suicide Awareness Week, a song... And some bitching

I never meant to be the one
Who kept you from the dark
But now I know my wounds are sewn
Because of who you are
I will take this burden on
And become the holy one
But remember I am human
And I’m bound to sing this song
So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here
Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour
For all that you do
So you live freely
Without their harm
So here I write my lullaby
To all the lonely ones Remember as you learn to try
To be the one you love So I can take this pen
And teach you how to live
What is left unsaid
The greatest gift I give
So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here
Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour For all that you do
So you live freely
Without their harm
When I hear your cries
Praying for light
I will be there
I will always be there

--Black Veil Brides




And now, for the bitching...
I have to get blood drawn today.
This is not a good thing.
Piercing needles, I can handle... At least that way you get something out of the stabbing...
I cannot handle medical needles for blood drawing...

A side note for any phlebotomists out there: LEARN TO DO YOUR JOB THE RIGHT WAY

I hate it when they miss a vein that you could see from Hubble and then have to wiggle the fucking needle around in my arm to get it to the right place... Dear people who suck at drawing blood, I hate you.

Last time was one of those times... My blood wouldn't flow... Like it just wasn't there. The lady got a few drops [but only after wiggling the needle and inserting and pulling it out and repeating *armsexwithneedle] and then I made her stop and wouldn't let her try again because you could already see the bruise forming... I looked like a clumsy heroin addict.

The lady said that it was because I wasn't hydrated enough, which is bullshit, because that day I'd already had 1 litre, and the day before I'd had 3... I was NOT fucking dehydrated.

I've made it perfectly clear that I'm not happy. To mother, to the nurses, and if they don't get it on the first poke, I'm giving 'em a big EFFFFF YOU and walking my happy ass outta there.

K, I'm done ranting... Off to guzzle more water.

Updates, and Rebel Love Song =p

See them? I consider them beautiful, beautiful men lol
That is my type, right there =] mmmmm


Anyhooooo.
So I weighed today, and, although it's slow going, I'm still losing. I'm sitting at 180.2 right now
Even though it's not a big loss, I'm still really happy, because I've never gotten this far down on my goals list before... It's always been, like, I'll meet two goals and then gain and have to start over again.

I quit my job, by the way... I couldn't fucking handle it anymore.
So now, I'm going to get my book finished and published whatever it takes so that I never have to get another job again... Writing is my passion, and I will make it my lifelong career.

It's been really hard for me lately, to stick to my diet plan. Especially since this is birthday/holiday season... I swear, everyone I know has a birthday in July-December, and not only that, but there are holidays that I have to cook for, and special occasions of other kinds that I have to attend... This makes for A LOT of cheat days...
I know that most people fail on diets because they absolutely ban themselves from their favorite foods and then binge. I figure I'm doing myself a favor by allowing myself to eat my favorite things on special occasions, and so far I'm proving myself right... I've never ever lasted this long on a diet before... I've lost just shy of 20 lbs in about a month and a half... It's amazing.
I won't fail this time around... I've learned my lesson. I know now that I can't be happy with the way I am... I've tried to be.. A million and one times I've tried to accept myself being chubby. I just can't.. In my mind, my fucked up, sadistic mind, girls are SUPPOSED to be tiny and fragile and beautiful. I don't see beauty in overweight people... even myself.
People have called me pretty, and all I can say is "I was..."
I see all these women who think their curves rolls are attractive... They think that you need big hips to be a real woman...
When I see one of them, I see that they have a nice face and I think "huh, what a shame... She could be so pretty if she'd only lose like 20 lbs."

It's not in my wiring to accept myself this way. I don't care if everyone thinks I become "too skinny"
I've done the research, and my goal weight is actually still in the "healthy" column for my height, so they can suck it.

I know I can do this. We all can, just think of how gorgeous we'll all be when all of our hard work pays off.

If you watched the video at the top of the post, you may have noticed that the type of man I find attractive is pretty thin.. Boyfriend is a little bit thinner than Andy, [the front man with the stunning eyes]
So now you have a little bit of perspective into why I wanna be so small... Because my favorite men are skinny, and I believe that women should be smaller than men, that means teeny tiny me...

Anyway, I'm about to go read and catch up on your blogs. I've missed you all so much!!