51

I'm posting, right now, 51 things I'll be able to do once I'm thin.

1~ wear shorts
2~ wear short sleeves
3~ have fun
4~ go swimming
5~ get my hip-bones pierced
6~ get my sexy side tattoo
7~ have a cute wardrobe
8~ actually like going shopping
9~ have sex without worrying how I look before during and after
10~ sleep naked afterward instead of getting dressed right away
11~ have more stamina in everything I do
12~ show off my piercings and tattoos
13~ be comfortable during the summer time
14~ not be disgustingly sweaty
15~ get hit on again
16~ be envied
17~ build up self esteem
18~ be comfortable in my own skin
19~ not be ashamed to be seen eating
20~ feel sexy
21~ be sexy
22~ look good naked
23~ improve my overall health
24~ let boyfriend touch my stomach [I can't do that now because it's disgusting]
25~ no longer rip my clothes
26~ wear a bathing suit
27~ fit comfortably into chairs
28~ be light enough to lift without struggle
29~ fit through tight spaces
30~ be smaller than boyfriend
31~ wear lingerie
32~ look good in lingerie
33~ like having my picture taken again
34~ look good at graduation
35~ feel good at graduation
36~ feel good in general
37~ get rid of the double chin
38~ lose the belly rolls
39~ ditch the back fat
40~ no more cottage cheese thighs
41~ show off my hip bones
42~ no more jiggling
43~ I'll look as fragile as a girl should be
44~ be able to dress like a girl again
45~ I want to be able to dress for summer
46~ get tan and show it off
47~ stop hiding behind baggy boy clothes
48~ thigh gap
49~ bony shoulders
50~ elegant, thin fingers
51~ be attractive again

Thinspo

Pre-Post Tips

I do this thing where I wear the panties I used to fit in when I was a size 5.. Now I call them my 'punishment panties'
Seeing all the glubby overflow makes me want to keep away from food forever lol.
I don't own any, but try wearing red lipstick.
Red is "ana's" color, so if you eat anything, your food will be stained with your regret.

I haven't eaten anything today, and as soon as I can convince myself to get up off my lazy, fat ass, I'm going to go get on the treadmill and run for a bit. I want the fat GONE.
I meant what I said on my last post about losing 5 pounds by Friday.
I WILL get there. I HAVE to.
Wish me luck with today, Ladies... I already need it.

Thinspo

FUCK

I've gained... A lot. Like 3 pounds a lot.
I'm back at 176 and so angry at myself that even now as my stomach burns from hunger and my temper is running short, I'm Not Eating.
And I will not.
This is fucking ridiculous! I worked so hard to be much lower than this. But I'm not.
Last year at this time I made it to 168. But then I got it all back and I've been bouncing between 178 and 172 ever since.
I hate this!
That eating diet took away ALL of my will power.
Summer is practically HERE.
And I WILL NOT be caught dead in a short sleeved shirt until my arms lose the consistency of mayonnaise in a rubber glove.
I hate going out in public with other people because they're all smaller than I am.
I'm going back to counting EVERY calorie that passes my lips, and I WILL BE down At Least 5 pounds by next Friday.
I can't fail in this... I won't let myself.

Thinspo

Off to read and comment =]
It's good to be back!
xoxo

Dear Ana,

Intake yesterday was around 1220...
Not as bad as I've been doing, but not as good as I'd like to be doing now.
I've only had coffee so far today, and I'm going to fast for as long as I can keep it up.. If it's less than 24 hours, then so be it, at least I've cleansed my body for a few hours.
My job is really tiring, so I've been coming home and falling asleep for the past two weeks.
That's what I'll be doing today after I get out of school tonight at 6:30
At least my first class is just playing with little kids and babies in the school's nursery. That's a relaxing way to start the day...
Send me your good thoughts and strong will power today...
Pray that I do not fail.
Thinspo

Well... Off to shower, and then back to work =/
Love you all.
Good thoughts today!

My Apologies...

About the long absence.
That stupid "eat yourself thin" diet didn't do shit. Why am I surprised?
I may not have been doing it right since I've been so busy trying to keep up with school and work and everything.
I literally forgot what stress felt like before now.
My mother is FREAKING out over money. Every last penny is a reason for her to lose it.
I missed a doctor's appointment because of stress, and I had just plain forgotten about it with the new job and with still trying to keep up in school.
I'm fucking exhausted and haven't weighed in like two weeks, maybe more.
Graduation is not so much creeping up as sprinting at full speed.
I still have good grades and I'm now getting work release credit so I'm sure I'll be able to graduate on time. That's not a concern anymore.
Honestly, I'm just tired.
All the stress and lack of sleep has gotten me sick with some sort of bug, and I'm sure my immune system has taken a hit.
I've most likely gained. I want to fucking cry every time I see myself in the mirror.
This time last year, I was at exactly the same place.
I was thinking about being skinny for summer and I was losing.
And then I got proud of myself and started "rewarding" myself. Biggest mistake of my fucking life.
Because here I am, one year later, still fat as fuck, and regretting every last bite of food that passed my fat lips.
I'm officially starting over.
I don't care about past mistakes.
All I care about is making damn sure than I don't gain even 1/10 of a pound from now till forever.
I've run out of antidepressants, and I'm afraid to ask mom for more because she thinks we're in a money crisis... I guess I'm done with them until we get back on our feet =/ let's just hope I don't crash...
Thinspo

Dear Ana,

So some of you have been commenting about having problems commenting on Aryn's blog... Well, I do too. It's like the link never loads or something... It annoys me too lol. I'll talk to her about it

Today so far: Ezekiel 4:9 cereal [360]
Weetabix cereal [200]
Soy milk [160]
Baby food [60]

Total: 880
I feel okay... Just not super... I really need to go to the gym today and burn off enough so that I'm back in the negatives...
I feel like my motivation is slipping.
This is really depressing.
On a happier note, though, I got a job finally.
It's as a Home Health Aide, where I basically go to peoples' houses and take care of them for about an hour.
It will keep me away from food, and I'll be moving almost the entire time, so it's going to be a bit of a workout.
Work in the morning till noon, then school at night until 6:30... I'm going to be SO busy until graduation.
And, now that I go to school at night, I don't really know that I'll be getting a lunch break, so I'll probably be waiting until 6 or 7 every night to eat anything.
Except Fridays, I work till noon and then don't have school... Back to sleep anyone???
I sleep too much as it is, so having another reason to stay awake will probably be good for me.
I just REALLY need the money right now, and I'm picky about what I'll do. I'm very lucky I got this job, so let's hope it goes well lol.
Thinspo