My Bad, Bad Self..

I hate going through this... I feel so hungry, and then I get to the point where ALL I can think about is food and what I should eat...
I shouldn't have eaten anything...
3 rolls [150 each]
Butter on each roll [90 per tbsp]
Bowl of macaroni [500ish?]
700 calories... In one fucking meal...
I was doing so well... I made it until 2:00... That would have been only 3 more hours until I had made it 24 hours without food.
I could have done it too...
But I was so weak..
I was hungry.
So I ate, and now I feel really sick.
I loved my emptiness... I want it back...
But now it's gone, and I'm trying to flush it out with water...
I hate this game... As I've stated a million and one times...
But it still won't end, and I'm still not the winner...
This sucks... ASS

Dear Ana,

Down to 162.9!!!
I'm getting closer to goal #4!
Today, so far I've had my left over pad thai from dinner last night.
Boyfriend calls it peanut butter noodles... I call it delicious =]
I've been taking my pills more faithfully and drinking a ton more water... Granted, this has only been for the past few days, but I'm progressing lol.
I'm currently in my mother's fifth grade classroom teaching an art class. She wants me to come in and do it every day, but I have no idea what I'm going to do every day =/
I'd run out of things to do and they'd either end up repeating themselves, or I'd run out of things to teach them.
I can't do a THinspo this time, as there are little kids running around everywhere. I'll make it up to you and post a super long one either later today or tomorrow.
Love you guys!

Dear Ana,

I did pretty well yesterday, aside from the fact that I didn't weigh yesterday, or the day before.
I meant to. I really did. But my best friend called me up crying and needed me to go over there, so I did. I ended up staying the night there, so I didn't get to.

Today so far: I've had raisin bran [260] and tea [0]
Good start, I need to take my pills and drink more water, but I still think I'm doing relatively well.
I found out that I fit into a pair of pants that I never thought I'd fit. They don't have regular sizes, so I have no idea what size they would be... I'd say either a nine or an eleven.

Meanwhile, I have possibly the sleepiest sister on the face of the earth.
She's signed up for night school so she can sleep as long as she wants. Which is usually somewhere around two or three in the afternoon. And then she'll wake up for a few hours and go back to sleep.

Also, thank you all for your support on my previous post. You're all right. I can't depend on my sister or anyone but myself to help me. And even though it is really hard, I'm going to do it myself.
If any of you have any advice or tips, though, I'd greatly appreciate whatever you have.

I may update later, depending on how my day goes =]
Thinspo Time!!!

Dear Ana,

I really, literally, in all honesty have no self control.
I envy all of you.
I envy my little sister.
I desperately want her to help me, but she's never home, and when she is home, she's with her friend.
Need. Help. Badly.
I've read all the tips and watched every Thinspo on YouTube.
I read your blogs faithfully and find great inspiration and motivation there.
But that motivation is fleeting.
It usually lasts about an hour, or less.
My attention becomes averted, and I must find something else to do.
That something is usually food-related.
I'm literally going insane.
I can't go on with this
In control for a few hours a day
Binging and completely uncontrollable for the rest.
It's like, if I even have ONE taste of ANYTHING, I'm out for the count, and I'm shoving the whole thing in my mouth before the word "No" even gets the chance for comprehension by my one-track mind.
And sex is not that track.
I can't allow myself to lose control again.
It's driving me mad.
The guilt after eating is far worse than any pain I could possibly experience from hunger.
I HATE THIS GAME
Once again, I'm flushing this disgust out of my system with water and powerade zero.
I'm going to take a couple cleanse pills once I'm done with this post and hopefully empty myself out by tomorrow's weigh in.
I'm debating whether or not to weigh today... I know I should, but I also know that the results will more than likely be devastating, and I'll end up crying myself to sleep tonight.
I might do that anyway.
I'm going to stop ranting now before I make your eyes bleed.
THINSPO

The Bane of My Existence

= Cinnamon rolls...

Why am I saying this now, you ask?
Boyfriend loves to cook... That's why.

I ate two...
Motherfucker:god:damn:shit:fuckface:punkass cinnamon rolls.

They're fucking out to get me, I swear... I need my brothers to come over and eat that shit up.
Time for another flush-out?? I think so.

My weight this morning was 163.8
Still coming down, just slowing down a lot more than I'd like it to.
I need some god damned discipline.
But can I get help?
Nooo.
I'm ignorant, and stubborn, and always right.
Therefore, if you try to tell me not to do something to which I'd already set my mind, I'll write you off and ignore your advice all together.

I know I'm not stupid, so why the hell can't I do this one teensy-weensy little itty-bitty thing?
Because I'm fucking weak, that's why.
I really suck at this "life" game.
Good at book-reading, and hypothetical living, but actually doing it? Not so much.
This really sucks.
I hate feeling full.
But whenever I'm empty and happy, my stupid brain keeps thinking about food.

I've noticed that there are 3 things constantly on my mind
1)Food
2)Sex
3)Money.

The last two are normal and I love thinking about money. I love money... Food on the other hand? NOTsoFUCKINGgodDAMNmuch!
Boyfriend is out mowing the lawn and should be done soon, so I'll leave you with some thinspo to ease the troubles of your minds.
This is what's happening inside you when you eat... You want more?

Boyfriend is in. Got to go =]

Dear Ana,

164 this morning.
The weight is coming off slowly, but definitely surely.
It's about 12:30 pm and I've been sipping on a powerade for the last hour since I stopped working out.
No calories, just relaxation.
I need to shower before I go and help my mom out at work.
She's a teacher, and this week is the time where she has to set up her classroom.
And I'm going in to help her out.
I don't have much to say today, sorry for the short post, lol. Just an update, I suppose!
Thinspo!

Dear Ana,

I've eaten WAY more than necessary today... But I've been exercising, so it kind of evens out the playing field a bit.

Been having a ton of thoughts about marriage lately...
Well, boyfriend deserves a better me.
No one wants to marry the fat girl.
In every bridal picture you see, it's these wispy girls in their cupcake dresses.
Their collar bones lift the chains of their necklaces up off the skin.
Their shoulder blades dance to and fro beneath their golden skin as they walk down the aisle toward a man whose looking at them like "wow, she is beautiful."

I want that.
I want to be the wispy girl.
I want to have the collar bones and the shoulder blades.
Most of all, though. I want to be perfect for him.
I want all of his friends to envy him for having the beautiful girlfriend.
I want him to be constantly thinking about me and to be so attracted to me that he can't stay away.

I want to be the perfect picture of that which every girl wants to achieve, and what every guy wants. Period.

I want my ribs and hip bones to cut through my skin like glass.
I never want to ask the question "How do you stay so thin?" ever again.
I can do this. I have to.
I WILL fix myself.
My arms ache from working out. This makes me happy. It means I'm making progress =]
Thinspo =]