Measurements

So, at my gym, upon signing up for a membership, you get a free fitness assessment
I had mine today, and so I now also have my measurements and BMI, none of which I knew before. So, here it goes.

Waist: 37
Abdomen: 38
Hips: 44
Right Bicep: 13.5
Left Bicep: 14
Right Thigh: 23.5
Left Thigh: 23.25

Weight, as of today: 185.2
Body Fat % : 38.9%
Body Fat Weight: 72 lbs
Lean Weight [Muscle]: 113.2 lbs
Water Weight: 84.2 lbs
Protein/Mineral Weight: 29 lbs

None of these numbers please me... At All... I mean, I'm glad that I'm down a bit more, but I wish I had never gotten up to this point in the first place, ya know?
I wish I was where some of the girls on blogger are - i.e. 130 lbs and still thinking they're fat... Or even better, 120 lbs and thinking they're fat...-
I wish I had the right to call those numbers big ones.
One of my legs probably weighs that much.

In the fitness profile, there's a section where the person who did the assessment could leave comments. The lady that did mine said this:

"Ayden, as you can see in the graph above, your body fat score is in the 'Needs Improvement' category. You should consider talking to a health professional about a program that will help you lose 24 to 30 lbs of body weight."

Of course, I want to lose WAY more than 30 lbs, but the fact is that my body fat percentage is in the obese category... That fucking disgusts and crushes me!
I NEVER thought I would be here... In fact, when I was a kid I was afraid of becoming this.
I made it a point to say that I  never would become this.
And I have...
Wow.

Rematch

I re-weighed myself this morning, [Last night, I drank some cleanse tea, which worked this morning]
And I'm down now to 189.8. I'm more satisfied with that number, even though it's only 0.6 lb, I just wanted to be OUT of the 190s. And now that I am, I'm making a solemn vow that I will NEVER go back.
Seeing those ridiculous numbers was [and still is] extremely depressing... Like I wonder every day how I let myself get this way. And I can never answer that question, because I know it was all my fault. Once I got a car it all went downhill... I no longer had to walk home from school, or over to friends' houses, or anywhere else for that matter. I've always been a pretty sedentary person, but the walking about 1 mile home from school every day was what kept me looking decent.
I remember being at a plateau between 142 and 143 and thinking that I was SOOO fat. And now?? I'm like 50 lbs more than that.
I miss being able to think that a number like that was fat...
I miss the days when I thought I was fat, but actually wasn't [around 124 lbs]
Now, I actually am fat.
It used to be that I'd mention my weight, or make a comment about being fat, and EVERYONE would jump out and say "no you're not!" "You're perfect" "You look great just like you are"
Now??
I mention my weight, and everyone tries their hardest to ignore the comment... Or they'll put forth a half-hearted "no you're not"
But I know that they can't possibly mean it.
I'm done being pitied.
I'm done being fat.
DONE.

I've reached a turning point, and I am going to stay this way.
I'm going to eat healthy food when I must eat, but if I can stave off hunger, it'll be water for me
I will continue to exercise EVERY DAY, no matter what.
Even when I'm sick, because, every time I've stayed home from the gym because of a sickness, I never go back, and I WILL NOT let that happen.
I need to be happy again... And I can't be happy with life or anything else until I can be comfortable in my own skin.

Thinspo: Autumn

As you can probably see, I'm still counting down the days until Fall starts lol
LoveYouAll ♥

LONG Post ; Updates, and Comment Replies

So, I'm extremely discouraged.
I weighed in today, and have only lost about 1 pound.
Looking at some of the facts behind this number, I have been able to survive the day so far.
Fact #1 : I haven't had a BM in two days, therefore, I have 2 days' worth of food still in me.
Fact #2 : I've been working out, so my muscles could be a bit inflamed.

I'm hoping that I can poop today. I'll take laxatives, or eat prunes, or something else that makes one poop, and try to do it right before bed. That way I'm sure that I won't have any food in me when I do a re-match with my scale tomorrow morning before the gym.
Oooh, black coffee... Always works. That's what I'll do =]

As you can see by the ticker, and my goals sidebar thingy, My weight this morning was 190.4
Granted, it is still a loss, but it's a shitty loss.

I killed myself at the gym today lol. I can feel my arms already, and my legs will probably hurt tomorrow morning.
But, I've worked out a workout schedule so that I can keep myself balanced. I'll alternate between cardio and weight training. Today was a weight day, so I don't have a calorie loss number for you, but my notebook is right by me now, so I can tell you yesterday's stats:

Intake: 868
Output: 634
Net: 234

I was pretty pleased with that one.
I haven't eaten yet today, but I want lobster... like really bad
I know it's not too high in fat, and I can weigh it raw and find out the calorie count on
calorieking.com
That website is literally my best friend now.

And now for what is going to be a ridiculously long list of comment replies
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Buggy : I just went over and followed your blog =] I remember you lol, yours was the blog that brought me to blogger in the first place haha.

Peri: I've listened to them since, like, 8th grade lol. and YES I would love some bare-tree pics!!! It'll be a sort of fix for me lol and autumn/wintertime are my heroin lol. With regards to the knitting talk and lace and stuff, the only word I understood in that was lace lol.
I'm wayyy motivated. and I hope it'll last. I just feel so disgusted with how I've been living up until this point, and I want to fix it. 2 lbs a week has been my target in the past, but it really did seem so very very slow lol. Now, I don't even care, I just want the weight OFF.
And your rain wishes WORKED lol it rained for a good hour yesterday, thunder n everything =] And then it rained again during the night =] You are officially my lucky charm!
Thanks for the info about youtube videos!! I may just start doing vlogs now =] But I think I'll wait until I'm a bit thinner in the face. The double chin of doom might just burn your eyes out lol

Alice : See, that's why I love the cold, not only because I can wear the sweaters and boots and comfy warm clothes, but I LOVE being able to feel cold. I like having to get warm, because when you're cold, you can always do something to warm yourself up, drink tea, blankets, etc. But in the summertime when it's so freaking hot, there's only so much you can do. You can remove layers of clothing, but once you're naked, you can no longer take anything off. You can take cold showers/baths, but you can't stay there forever, and once you're out, you're too hot again lol.

Kayla : No problem, I love your blog and what it represents! I've been both vegetarian and vegan, but never lasted long with either. I still eat the foods though =] I adore tofu lol. I can only imagine what frutarianism would be like!! You're amazing, girl!! and Thank you for the luck =]

Moonlight Mistress : That's exactly why I'm going to work out before work!!! I just know that if I put it off until after, I'll make up some excuse to justify not going, like being too tired. If I make myself just wake up and do it, then it's over with and I can be tired after work all I want lol.

Bit of an Update [A comment reply post will come soon]

So I went to the gym for the first time today, and lemme tell ya, it felt fucking great!!!
I sweated up a storm and burned over 600 calories [real number is in my notebook which is all the way across the room]
It looks as though it might rain soon. The sky is getting grey, and I REALLY REALLY hope it rains. As I mentioned in a previous post, I hate summer..

My boyfriend is a jerk... Not really, but he tickles my feet even though he knows that I hate it lol

I've really run out of things to say, so I'll talk to you all later!!
XOXO

Nostalgia

I want it to be Autumn already... I'm so so so so so sick of the desert-dry heat here. It's ridiculous. The AVERAGE summer day here is like 97 degrees Farenheit [I dunno the celsius version] but it's hot.... And sweaty and miserable and I'm sicksicksick of it.

I miss the leaves turning colors
And big hoodies
And sleeping WITH the covers
And snow
And 45 degree HEAVEN

But, I'm determined, [I feel more now than ever] to be substantially thinner by the equinox
I have a month and a half to DO this.
I know I've made progress, and continue to do so, I just really want to see big results by then. I don't know how much weight I'm capable of losing by then, but I hope it's a lot.

I got my gym membership, by the way =]
I kind of want to go tonight, but at the same time, I just wanna go tomorrow morning.
Because then, it's like I'm beginning my routine. I'm training myself to be comfortable with waking up early [and not just when the dog has to poo and I can't go back to sleep afterward]
And I need to make it a habit to go to the gym in the mornings, because that's how it has to be with work n everything.

I'm so excited to wear my cute new workout clothes tomorrow morning =D
And the gym routine is just so fun. Listening to my music and getting into the zone with my workout, forgetting all my surroundings and just going... I can't wait

Monday is my weigh-in, and I'm nervous/excited to see how I've done.
I love you girls!
I'll try to update again tomorrow to let you know how much I burned and stuff like that.
XOXO

Comment Replies [I'll Update Later]

Moonlight Mistress: Yeah, I think that must be it, like my body is just getting used to the meds being in my system. I had never had my thyroid checked... I don't think. But it was kind of discouraging to find out that, at 19, I already have a rest-of-my-life condition, ya know?? But I'll get over it in time lol
My new job will be doing firewall protection for Guthy Renker [ they do infomercials ]
It sounds ridiculously easy, and the fact that I won't have to deal with their customers is an added bonus.

Quiet Battle: Yeah, I really like having energy now. Yesterday, [ you know how I was gonna get my nails done and get new workout clothes ] I did all of that and was done before noon. I feel like, since I don't need as much sleep, I have soooo much more time on my hands lol. Yeah, the nail tearing is ridiculous. Every time I stop getting my nails done, I'm convinced that I can keep myself from picking at them, I haven't picked at them in months, so i won't now. And like a week later, they're torn to shit and I'm starting the process all over again. It's a pain in the butt. Especially since my mother and boyfriend have weeded that out as my "tell"
They can tell that I'm anxious or that something is wrong just because I'm tearing at my nails, so hiding emotions is extremely hard around my house.

Alice May: I really do hope that that gets fixed lol, I wonder if that's happening to anyone else with my blog... weird. And Thanks for the intake compliment! I have a hard time being okay with any intake, really, and it's nice to know that at least someone thinks I'm doing a good job. Yeah, the gym membership is really useful as a tool, especially since I don't like going out for runs, cars driving by and looking at me running [or struggling to run, which is usually the case] is embarrassing to say the least lol. I'm excited to start going again, now I just needa figure out which one to go to lol.

Peri: I do the thing with scabs too. In some ways I think that that one is worse than nail picking/biting, because it is [to me, anyway] more satisfying. The blood, I mean. I know it's sadistic, but when I'm picking at something, the sight of blood tells me that I've gotten rid of it, and I can calm down. You listen to MSI!!! I've listened to them for years! All their music is really good workout music, since I don't think they have a single slow song lol. I'll definitely look into doing NaNo this year. Is there an official website I can go to, to sign up?

Thyroid Meds, Job Info, and New Things... And comment replies

I have been awake since 4:52 this morning when my dog got me up having to go potty.
I planned, originally, to go back to sleep.
But I know now that I cannot. I have never had this much energy before. It was hard to go to sleep last night, and I must've fallen asleep around 12 or 1 in the morning, and then waking up this early and having all this energy?

This has literally never happened to me before.
Even when I used to get up at 5:30 every morning to go to the gym, I was half asleep until some point between putting my stuff in the locker room, and climbing the stairs to the workout floor.
Right now, I'm sitting still only because:
(A) I've run out of clean clothes to work out in, and not only that, the clothes I have worked out in in the past were not mine. None of them.
and
(B) All of the stores at which I could buy my own workout clothes are closed because it's only 6:30.

I don't remember the last time I had this much time on my hands lol

So, today, I'm going out and buying myself my first workout clothes that are actually mine. I'm going to buy the workout clothes first, then go and get my nails done, because my anxiety is back full force, and my real nails are torn down to the beds.
I will explain:
While most people bite their nails, I pick and tear at them, sometimes until they bleed, and usually as a nervous-habit/coping mechanism type thing.
I want to get my nails done because I think my fingers are too short without long nails, and I'm incapable of letting my nails grow.
Solution: Acrylic, Not tear-able nails =^.^=

So I'm kind of treating myself before I start my job on the 10th
And, during training, I'll be working longer than normal work hours, so time will be scarce, and I dunno if this energy is really a result of the Thyroid medication kicking in, or if I'm just having a random burst that will expire and leave me sleepy in a few hours.
Still can't tell, but at the moment, I don't care.

I just need to bide my time until the store opens and I can finally get my clothes, and then move on to the nail salon =]
I enjoy having something to do during the day lol

I didn't eat yesterday until around 6:00, when I consumed 1119 calories. In one sitting.
Still under my limit, but still... In ONE sitting???
That was all I ate yesterday, because I don't even really like going over 1,000.

Annnnd, with my first paycheck from the new job, I will be opening up a new gym membership =]
And going EVERY DAY before work, NOT after

Days off, I haven't completely decided yet. During training, I'll have weekends off, which will be the only time I'll have to see my boyfriend since he works so early during the week and has to go to bed early as a result.
I want to work out during my days off, but at the same time, I don't.
I don't know... I'll figure it out.

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Comment Replies:

Tempest: Thanks for the encouragement, girl. It's not that they give the hormone credit for the weight loss, it's that the hormone causes you to not want food during the diet, because it releases your fat stores and lets your body consume that, so, really, you're getting somewhere near 4,000 calories a day, but it's through the consumption of your abnormal fat stores, and the only reason that you're required to eat the 500 calories is so that you won't go deficient in minerals, vitamins, proteins and the likes, but all of your fat needs are coming from your body. So people can go on 500 calories per day without feeling hungry at all, and not people like us, who are used to restricting to an amount close to there anyway. So I'm not crediting the weight loss solely to the hormone, it's the No-Hunger thing that entices me. lol

Peri: I have never heard of pretending to be running from zombies lol, but I imagine that it would definitely make the run more interesting lol. I've done that with the bikes, not to that particular song, but with similar ones, and not even to challenge myself. It's because I'm slightly/insanely OCD and if there is a pattern to beats, I need to make my feet match those beats. I do the same thing with walking, if the song is fast, I have to run to match the beat.. I'm weird, lol, I know.
I don't think the compliment was undeserved at all
And yeah, it sucked hard. I am still writing the same story, takes place along the Multiverse theory, where there are multiple universes, only in mine, those universes are not parallel to ours. The universe in question is completely different, Magic exists, and all that jazz. Fantasy/Romance is definitely my favorite genre to write. And the losing of my story is kind of a funny one. I'm a UFO fanatic, and I was looking at this one site, and I clicked on a "Top Secret" link that was FBI and CIA files that were made available to the public, and suddenly, my computer just shuts down.
I hadn't backed up my story or anything. And I have never done NaNoWriMo, in fact I had never even heard of it until I saw that abbreviation on someone's blog and got curious.. It was either yours or Posie's. I'll definitely check into it though =]

Clytie: I was leaning toward weekly weigh-ins too, but not because of the muscle inflammation thing, in fact, I didn't even know that that happened until you just told me lol. I was gonna do it weekly because daily is so very up and down and discouraging if you don't see a loss, ya know? But if you're doing weekly weigh-ins and you're still not losing, or are gaining, then you know it's not just a normal fluctuation, but that you're actually gaining. Thanks for the new info, girl!! and for the congrats on the job =]

A Quiet Battle: You're very welcome =] the love is very much deserved! and thank you! I'm way excited to start earning money again lol.


And, with that, I bid you a temporary adieu.
LoveYouLoveYou