SOOOOO proud of myself right now!
It is officially 1:38 AM, and I have eaten NOTHING allllll day long!
I could just sing I am so happy!
I have had about 400 liquid calories, all in the form of chai tea and espresso lol
But I am FINALLY able to say that I am at -324 calories... That's right... NEGATIVE
I will wake up tomorrow and be able to subtract more for the hours I spent sleeping, and then I will be even further into the negatives =D
I finally feel like I am living up to what I expect of myself and what I hope to achieve for myself.
I am going to sleep now.. I just had to tell you all the fabulous news =]
Good night all you lovely, beautiful people!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Dear Ana,
I'm now up to forty followers =] Thank you guys! Your support means everything to me!
So my calorie intake for so far today is 900 exactly. Not too bad, not too good.
It seems that the longer I go between postings, the more I pack on to my calorie intakes. I am so deathly afraid to weigh myself that I feel like crying every time I see my scale.
I know that posting every day would probably keep me on track and successful, but it seems like every time I mess up, or eat one too many calories, I am way too ashamed to even look at my computer, let alone try actually posting.
I've made it over 1000 calories every day in the past week, and I'm pretty sure I even made it up into the 2000s once or twice before that. I hate this. I hate feeling so ashamed. You all have success stories and you will get into slumps, but it seems like every time one of you hits a plateau, you find the willpower to jump down and get back on the right track...
I just find a way to eat more and more every fucking day. I say, after this cookie, I'll eat nothing else for the rest of the day. Or I'll wake up and feel so optimistic and I'll make it to about 3 or 4 and then I'll shove everything in my kitchen down my fat throat. It's so disappointing to read all these stories that say "I'm back in the 100s and I want to die" and when I see those, all I can think is "Gee, I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shoes" I have no clue how much I weigh, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if I'm pushing 175. I feel screams welling up in my throat, begging to get out.
But I think that If I all of a sudden burst out screaming at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason, people might be a tiny bit concerned for the state of my mind. I'm sure that you've felt this. It's like you want to cry, but there are no tears. You want to scream, but you're afraid that someone might hear. And if someone hears, they begin asking questions that you're in no mood to answer.
I feel so ashamed of myself for leaving for so long while I wallowed in nothing but mountains of fattening fluff. I haven't been reading any of your blogs, but as soon as I'm done with this post I will be reading like no other. I feel like I abandoned you. Especially since I understand that you guys need just as much support as I do, and I really love being able to contribute to that. I like being someone to turn to, I like being the one who makes your day by leaving an uplifting comment.
Well, I have vented, =] I'm off to read blogs!
Stay Strong, Ladies! xxoo
So my calorie intake for so far today is 900 exactly. Not too bad, not too good.
It seems that the longer I go between postings, the more I pack on to my calorie intakes. I am so deathly afraid to weigh myself that I feel like crying every time I see my scale.
I know that posting every day would probably keep me on track and successful, but it seems like every time I mess up, or eat one too many calories, I am way too ashamed to even look at my computer, let alone try actually posting.
I've made it over 1000 calories every day in the past week, and I'm pretty sure I even made it up into the 2000s once or twice before that. I hate this. I hate feeling so ashamed. You all have success stories and you will get into slumps, but it seems like every time one of you hits a plateau, you find the willpower to jump down and get back on the right track...
I just find a way to eat more and more every fucking day. I say, after this cookie, I'll eat nothing else for the rest of the day. Or I'll wake up and feel so optimistic and I'll make it to about 3 or 4 and then I'll shove everything in my kitchen down my fat throat. It's so disappointing to read all these stories that say "I'm back in the 100s and I want to die" and when I see those, all I can think is "Gee, I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shoes" I have no clue how much I weigh, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if I'm pushing 175. I feel screams welling up in my throat, begging to get out.
But I think that If I all of a sudden burst out screaming at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason, people might be a tiny bit concerned for the state of my mind. I'm sure that you've felt this. It's like you want to cry, but there are no tears. You want to scream, but you're afraid that someone might hear. And if someone hears, they begin asking questions that you're in no mood to answer.
I feel so ashamed of myself for leaving for so long while I wallowed in nothing but mountains of fattening fluff. I haven't been reading any of your blogs, but as soon as I'm done with this post I will be reading like no other. I feel like I abandoned you. Especially since I understand that you guys need just as much support as I do, and I really love being able to contribute to that. I like being someone to turn to, I like being the one who makes your day by leaving an uplifting comment.
Well, I have vented, =] I'm off to read blogs!
Stay Strong, Ladies! xxoo
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Dear Ana,
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Believe it or fucking not, I'm god damn sick again.
I hate this. It's like my immune system decided to take an early Xmas break. This is the second time I've been sick in like two months!
LAMELAMELAMELAMELAME
I haven't exactly been watching my intake like I should be either. That and a HUGE shameful conscience are the reasons for my lack of posting lately.
I definitely felt like 'if I post, then they'll be disappointed in me,' But I'm already disappointed in me, so I suppose if you guys are too it won't be too much worse. Plus, If I don't face up to my mistakes and tell you all about them, then I won't end up doing anything about fixing them.
So, Here's my confession.
I have, in these past couple weeks, made it into the 3000s about twice
I haven't reached the negatives once
And currently, I think I'm sitting right around the 2450 mark.
This is the reason for the shame.
And I feel that this is definitely a legitimate reason to feel bad about myself. That is enough fucking calories to feed starving children in cuba [or somewhere else]
Bad, bad decision on my part. I would really like a miracle magic spell that could just completely remove everything from my system and allow me to start over, completely empty. That would just be absolutely wonderful right now. For some reason, I just can't say no to anything.
My little sister is officially beating me at this. She has only had carrots and lettuce since yesterday, and she has declared herself a vegan. I really wish I could get up the will power to join up with her, and maybe even beat her, but the fact that she is actually beating me at something is really getting me depressed. I know I should use it as motivation, but being sick, I literally don't feel like I have the energy to really focus on something right now.
I have to go, Mom and sister just got home =/
I hate this. It's like my immune system decided to take an early Xmas break. This is the second time I've been sick in like two months!
LAMELAMELAMELAMELAME
I haven't exactly been watching my intake like I should be either. That and a HUGE shameful conscience are the reasons for my lack of posting lately.
I definitely felt like 'if I post, then they'll be disappointed in me,' But I'm already disappointed in me, so I suppose if you guys are too it won't be too much worse. Plus, If I don't face up to my mistakes and tell you all about them, then I won't end up doing anything about fixing them.
So, Here's my confession.
I have, in these past couple weeks, made it into the 3000s about twice
I haven't reached the negatives once
And currently, I think I'm sitting right around the 2450 mark.
This is the reason for the shame.
And I feel that this is definitely a legitimate reason to feel bad about myself. That is enough fucking calories to feed starving children in cuba [or somewhere else]
Bad, bad decision on my part. I would really like a miracle magic spell that could just completely remove everything from my system and allow me to start over, completely empty. That would just be absolutely wonderful right now. For some reason, I just can't say no to anything.
My little sister is officially beating me at this. She has only had carrots and lettuce since yesterday, and she has declared herself a vegan. I really wish I could get up the will power to join up with her, and maybe even beat her, but the fact that she is actually beating me at something is really getting me depressed. I know I should use it as motivation, but being sick, I literally don't feel like I have the energy to really focus on something right now.
I have to go, Mom and sister just got home =/
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dear Ana,
Yesterday went pretty well, I think.
I've managed to behave relatively well these past few days, and I would like to continue to do so.
I just need the drive of an angry bull.
Any ideas or tips, ladies? I could really use them.
So tomorrow is going to [hopefully] be job hunting day. I just need to see how the day plays out and see what time I'll have and where. I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow, especially because my
A-day classes are by far my least favorite.
I really wish there was a magic spell that I could cast that would make my hunger go away completely. That is the only thing standing between me and my success. I hate it when I have gone all day without eating a single thing, and then WAMMOW! I'm hit by hunger like a car hits a deer. And it's so strong because my brain desperately wants to satisfy it..
I don't know that that one quote, "The difference between want, and need, is self control," is true...
Because you can need something, but not want it. And when you don't want something, like, say for instance, a pap smear.
They hurt like hell, and all of us girls need them, but if you're like me, you do whatever possible to not get one...
Then take something you want, like a cake for instance. They have no nutritional value whatsoever, but people still buy them. Why? you ask?
Because we WANT them. If you need it, you'll die without it, but some people still suffocate themselves and drown themselves.
I personally think that WANT is a great deal stronger than NEED.
If you don't get what you want, you have emotional results. You pout, you get angry, you feel AWFUL.
And food is the worst want of all because we also need it. It is our natural instinct to eat. Our very purpose is to survive and keep alive and fed.
People eat now, not because they even need it anymore. So many use food as an emotional satisfaction. They use food to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and achievements. We use food as comforts. Movies portray it all the time where a woman gets dumped and downs an entire carton of ice cream.
I don't even think that people know what hunger truly feels like anymore. It is only a pleasure tool we use to satisfy a horrid addiction.
I want to fast so VERY badly, but because of the combination of want and need and the addiction that I have to food, I am unable to make it even 24 hours without at least something.
My Thinspo:
REVEL in the EMPTINESS
xoxo
I've managed to behave relatively well these past few days, and I would like to continue to do so.
I just need the drive of an angry bull.
Any ideas or tips, ladies? I could really use them.
So tomorrow is going to [hopefully] be job hunting day. I just need to see how the day plays out and see what time I'll have and where. I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow, especially because my
A-day classes are by far my least favorite.
I really wish there was a magic spell that I could cast that would make my hunger go away completely. That is the only thing standing between me and my success. I hate it when I have gone all day without eating a single thing, and then WAMMOW! I'm hit by hunger like a car hits a deer. And it's so strong because my brain desperately wants to satisfy it..
I don't know that that one quote, "The difference between want, and need, is self control," is true...
Because you can need something, but not want it. And when you don't want something, like, say for instance, a pap smear.
They hurt like hell, and all of us girls need them, but if you're like me, you do whatever possible to not get one...
Then take something you want, like a cake for instance. They have no nutritional value whatsoever, but people still buy them. Why? you ask?
Because we WANT them. If you need it, you'll die without it, but some people still suffocate themselves and drown themselves.
I personally think that WANT is a great deal stronger than NEED.
If you don't get what you want, you have emotional results. You pout, you get angry, you feel AWFUL.
And food is the worst want of all because we also need it. It is our natural instinct to eat. Our very purpose is to survive and keep alive and fed.
People eat now, not because they even need it anymore. So many use food as an emotional satisfaction. They use food to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and achievements. We use food as comforts. Movies portray it all the time where a woman gets dumped and downs an entire carton of ice cream.
I don't even think that people know what hunger truly feels like anymore. It is only a pleasure tool we use to satisfy a horrid addiction.
I want to fast so VERY badly, but because of the combination of want and need and the addiction that I have to food, I am unable to make it even 24 hours without at least something.
My Thinspo:
REVEL in the EMPTINESS
xoxo
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Dear Ana,
I received my test results and my certificate in the mail today =] I am officially a CNA!!!
That is just a gigantic weight off my already weighty shoulders. Now I can go out and get a job that doesn't suck =]
Just updating you girls before I go and get my nails done =D
Love you tons!
That is just a gigantic weight off my already weighty shoulders. Now I can go out and get a job that doesn't suck =]
Just updating you girls before I go and get my nails done =D
Love you tons!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Dear Ana,
Just adding to my last post a little.
Yesterday night, we were at Wal-Mart, and we saw these panties that were extremely cute. I was walking by the rack which held these cute items when I heard a voice in the back of my mind that said, "They won't be so cute when they're stretched over your fat ass."
That just killed my buzz to say the least.
I have to go, though. Boyfriend just got here, and I am not too sure how he would react to seeing that I've relapsed and gone back to Ana...
Still haven't eaten a single thing today =] Go me!
I love you girls =D
Stay strong!
Yesterday night, we were at Wal-Mart, and we saw these panties that were extremely cute. I was walking by the rack which held these cute items when I heard a voice in the back of my mind that said, "They won't be so cute when they're stretched over your fat ass."
That just killed my buzz to say the least.
I have to go, though. Boyfriend just got here, and I am not too sure how he would react to seeing that I've relapsed and gone back to Ana...
Still haven't eaten a single thing today =] Go me!
I love you girls =D
Stay strong!
Dear Ana,
I have had an amazing turn of luck =]
Through research of my own, I have managed to obtain some prescription strength weight loss medication completely legally =]
I received it two days ago and already have lost two pounds! Its probably water weight, but, the way I see it, even a small percentage of every pound would have to be something actually substantial.
I have managed to keep my intake at 1000 calories or less lately, and my appetite has been becoming scarce. Lately, i haven't even been feeling hungry until around 4 or 5 in the afternoon =D
I HAVE to keep this up. I have such a good feeling about it, and I just would be so devastated if I failed.
Also... Hello to my new followers =^.^=
You guys are adding to the support that we all very much need!
I think I have returned the follow to every one of you, but If I have missed anyone, just comment me and I will get right on that lol
I took my final test for my CNA on Monday, and the stupid meanies said that they couldn't give me my results right there. Lame, huh?? So I have to wait almost two weeks to get a stupid piece of paper that will have less than a paragraph on it saying whether or not I passed the test.
N-E-R-V-E racking. definitely.
And since I haven't done it forever ..... Here's some THINSPO!! woohoo =]
REVEL in the EMPTINESS, ladies!
I love you so much!
Through research of my own, I have managed to obtain some prescription strength weight loss medication completely legally =]
I received it two days ago and already have lost two pounds! Its probably water weight, but, the way I see it, even a small percentage of every pound would have to be something actually substantial.
I have managed to keep my intake at 1000 calories or less lately, and my appetite has been becoming scarce. Lately, i haven't even been feeling hungry until around 4 or 5 in the afternoon =D
I HAVE to keep this up. I have such a good feeling about it, and I just would be so devastated if I failed.
Also... Hello to my new followers =^.^=
You guys are adding to the support that we all very much need!
I think I have returned the follow to every one of you, but If I have missed anyone, just comment me and I will get right on that lol
I took my final test for my CNA on Monday, and the stupid meanies said that they couldn't give me my results right there. Lame, huh?? So I have to wait almost two weeks to get a stupid piece of paper that will have less than a paragraph on it saying whether or not I passed the test.
N-E-R-V-E racking. definitely.
And since I haven't done it forever ..... Here's some THINSPO!! woohoo =]
REVEL in the EMPTINESS, ladies!
I love you so much!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Dear Ana,
I just got home from taking my test and I hope to Hell and back that I passed!
I have consumed a total of 754 calories so far today, and I am proud lol.
I would like to promise you that not a single bite will pass my lips for the rest of the day, but I am so sick and tired of feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I broke my promise..
So... I'll just keep counting and see what happens.
No more making promises that I can't keep.
Christmas break is coming up X] I love Christmas! Presents, snow. All of it. The cold is my home lol. I hate the heat with a passion, so fall and winter are my absolute favorite seasons!
Plus, my birthday is in November... So that's always a bonus =D
I'm thinking of getting a bearded dragon. They're so sweet and cute, plus they're easy as hell to take care of. Don't know though.
I'm running out of topics lol, so I'm just going to leave you with my love and hope that all of your lives are going better than mine!
I have consumed a total of 754 calories so far today, and I am proud lol.
I would like to promise you that not a single bite will pass my lips for the rest of the day, but I am so sick and tired of feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I broke my promise..
So... I'll just keep counting and see what happens.
No more making promises that I can't keep.
Christmas break is coming up X] I love Christmas! Presents, snow. All of it. The cold is my home lol. I hate the heat with a passion, so fall and winter are my absolute favorite seasons!
Plus, my birthday is in November... So that's always a bonus =D
I'm thinking of getting a bearded dragon. They're so sweet and cute, plus they're easy as hell to take care of. Don't know though.
I'm running out of topics lol, so I'm just going to leave you with my love and hope that all of your lives are going better than mine!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dear Ana,
I am... surprised to say the least.
I weighed myself this morning, and I'm at 171 even. I am officially back on track!
WoOt w0ot!!
I'm going to stick to this thing I've been doing.
I've been keeping track of all my calories on my phone's calculator, and every hour, I subtract the amount of calories I've burned. This has been allowing me to remain in the negatives =] and this way, I know for sure that I'm consuming less than I'm burning!
Tea and coffee have been my best friends lately, and in order to quit smoking, I went out yesterday and purchased an electronic cigarette. They have like hookah flavors and I think it tastes good. You can lower the amount of nicotine in each cartridge and eventually be down to zero nicotine.
I've been really up and down with my moods lately. And I have no clue why.
I'm really sorry I haven't had time to look over all of your blogs. I've been super busy lately..
Monday is my second test for my CNA, and it's the written portion. I'm half nervous half excited to get it the fuck over with.
Any way, I've got to go pick boyfriend up from work now. His mother has taken his car to god knows where, and so for today, I am his transportation lol
I love you all =]
I weighed myself this morning, and I'm at 171 even. I am officially back on track!
WoOt w0ot!!
I'm going to stick to this thing I've been doing.
I've been keeping track of all my calories on my phone's calculator, and every hour, I subtract the amount of calories I've burned. This has been allowing me to remain in the negatives =] and this way, I know for sure that I'm consuming less than I'm burning!
Tea and coffee have been my best friends lately, and in order to quit smoking, I went out yesterday and purchased an electronic cigarette. They have like hookah flavors and I think it tastes good. You can lower the amount of nicotine in each cartridge and eventually be down to zero nicotine.
I've been really up and down with my moods lately. And I have no clue why.
I'm really sorry I haven't had time to look over all of your blogs. I've been super busy lately..
Monday is my second test for my CNA, and it's the written portion. I'm half nervous half excited to get it the fuck over with.
Any way, I've got to go pick boyfriend up from work now. His mother has taken his car to god knows where, and so for today, I am his transportation lol
I love you all =]
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