Dear Ana,

Quick update.

I haven't weighed in over a week. I've been eating like shit. I can't seem to say no.

It's obvious that I have commitment issues. I have been so focused on school and my CNA stuff lately that I haven't even thought about posting. I have been too tired to even drag myself into bed some nights.

I went out with friends tonight for the first time in like forever. It felt really good to get my mind off of kitty.

My boy [cat] died this past friday.
I had that cat since I was like six.
I grew up with him and he trusted me more than anyone else in the world.
He would look at me with his adoring eyes and make me feel like the most important person in the universe.
He was only 12 years old, and he was [and still is] my baby boy.
I miss him dearly and have been dreaming about him every night since he died.

^*^tears^*^


So... All of this is the reason for the recent lack of posts on my part.
I am definitely trying to get my act together, and will try to post more often.

I love you all so much

Dear Ana,

Yesterday went surprisingly well.

We went out for breakfast yesterday morning, and I think I probably ate about 800 calories there
Then after that I had a piece of chicken and a piece of steak, I'm putting that at 200

That puts me at exactly 1000 for the whole day. And looking at my past week, I would call that a minor success.

This morning I have had about 3 cups of Fruit Loops ~ That's 351 calories.

And currently, I am drinking tea.

Today, I have decided, is going to be an ultra success. I have done a sort of math problem to figure out how many calories I burn in one hour just sitting there, so now, every hour, I can subtract a certain amount of calories from my total. Since I haven't really been watching the clock, I'm going to start in fifteen minutes, at 11:00.

Here's the formula in case any of you guys want to know. I'll use my own stats as an example.

172.6 [weight] multiplied by 10 = 1726, that's your 24 hour total, and then to figure out the hourly total, you divide that by 24.

Which gives me... 71.92 calories every hour.

So, I'm not going to eat anything until all of the calories from the previous meal have been burned away, and maybe even more than that. This way, I can make absolutely certain that I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in.

I think this could work =]

And not only that, I'm going to start going back to the gym every morning before school. I want to be Thin as soon as possible.

Stay Strong Girls!!!

Dear Ana,

Intake: {[ So Far ]}

The remainder of my Olive Garden dinner from last night ~ est. 500
2 breadsticks ~ 300
Bowl of Fruit Loops ~ 351

Damage: 1151

I went to the gym for an hour and burned 411 calories, so... 1151 - 411 = 740

So my "Net" would be 740.

I would like to keep it at that. Normally when I go to the gym, I use up all my energy and come home sleepy and hungry.

Today, I stopped at an hour so that I would still have some calories left to burn in my body. I know this sounds counter productive, but think about it.

If your body is still working to burn off the previous calories, you won't need to add any more for a little while.

That's my logic... and It makes perfect sense to me, so therefore it works.

I also only drank 1 liter of water while I was there. This way, I'll be more thirsty throughout the day, and I'll try and keep my tummy full of water.

I am so motivated after the past week's failures. I obviously did not reach this week's goal, so I'll just move that same goal to the next week.

Next Friday. I. Will. Weigh. 165!

Love you guys =D

Dear Ana,

I took 6 laxatives and still haven't pooped.
It's been like 5 hours and the box said 6-12 so I'm being a bit impatient lol.

I'm in a better humor than I was earlier, and I'm seeing things more clearly.
I've been up since midnight doing Algebra homework and messing around on the computer. So I must have burned a few calories. Not enough for it to be substantial, but enough that I no longer feel like crying.

I've probably had 3 cups of tea since then, and I've been peeing like every 20 minutes lol. Beyond that, I had a liter of water at school today and 2 eight ounce glasses since I've been home... so that's... a shit ton of water lol.

I just have to say that I adore you guys. I think I would probably have bawled my eyes out earlier if it hadn't been for Isobel's very supportive and heartwarming comment on my last post.

I'm going to bed now, since it's 5:00 am and I would like to be able to be awake during daylight hours tomorrow lol.

Goodnight, Loves =] Tomorrow will be better!

Dear Ana,

Intake:

2 slices of pizza ~ 400
2 breadsticks ~ 300
est. 10 pieces of calamari ~ 200
1.5 plates of salad [with dressing] ~ 525
Olive Garden Steak Medallions w/ gorgonzola alfredo ~ >.< 1310
1 piece of raspberry cheesecake ~ 890

Damage: ~ 3625

Hot damn. I'm a failure at this fucking thing called life. I feel so sick to my stomach with guilt.
I just took 3 laxatives, and if they don't work in an hour or so, I'll take a couple more.
I'm also attempting to flush myself out with hot tea and water.

I feel like I failed you all.

Hell. If I can't even control WHAT I eat when I eat, This weight of mine is going to continue to be a serious problem. I fucking hate looking at myself in the mirror.

and This Morning when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was back at 172 I damn near smacked myself.
Then tonight at dinner I was like. "Well, I've already failed today. Might as well just keep going."

So here I am. At 3625 calories for. one. fucking. day.

I will be going to the gym tomorrow depending on how my throat feels. Exercise would be the opposite of what I need if I haven't gotten even a little better.

Most likely, though, I'll end up racked with guilt until I finally get up off my fat ass and get to the gym.

At the gym tomorrow, All the calories that I burn will go to taking some numbers off of today's total.
I will grant myself no net negative calorie intakes. I'm granting no mercy.

If the family gets hungry, or if mom gets hungry tomorrow [I gave mother whatever I have =( ...] I'll simply offer to go out alone and pick up the food. Then I'll just say that I ate it on my way home, or while I was in the restaurant waiting for theirs to be done. Today, I almost made it through the day on only those 2 pieces of pizza. And I would've been fine.

Boyfriend wanted food, Mother wanted food. Both wanted Olive Garden. It would've been weird to sit there in the restaurant with Boyfriend while he ate... I'm not making excuses for myself by any means, and I need willpower desperately.

Dear Lord, I hate this disgusting overflowing feeling that I get whenever I try to fit into my clothes. I even wore a pair of pants that are too small for me to keep myself motivated.

And... by the end of dinner, I was afraid that the damned button would pop off and fly across the restaurant.

Don't hesitate to call me a fat ass, pathetic, weak. Any of those would do. You wouldn't be insulting me. Only telling the truth.

Ultra Long Thinspo: Because I need it.

No Kidding... You Beat Her Over The Head, With A Barbed Club.

Dear Ana,

I. Am. Disgusting.

I have gained 2 pounds since Tuesday. Fuck My Life.
I'm back up to my first goal. 172.
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck

I need help desperately. I can't stand to look at this hideous body anymore. GOD.
I would like it very much if you guys could comment with advice, and tips and even insults.
I need to get my fucking act together.

From now on, I'm going to tell you EVERY SINGLE THING that passes my fat lips. Posie is doing this as well, and I think it would be good to do it as well.

Now, everything that I'm ashamed of will be yours to see.

I'll start with Yesterday's intake.

School lunch - turkey dinner - probably about 600 cals
Fish and Chips [with tartar sauce] - probably about 750
3 handfuls of popcorn - probably about 200-300
3 pieces of licorice - 50
8 starbursts -175
1 box of Hot Tamales - 60
1 crisp bean burrito - 300

Total damage = 2185

Holy Shit Fuck.

Yeah.. I think I need definite discipline.

I'm hoping to post later today. I love you guys

Dear Ana,

Today was a bit of a fail...

As all of you know, I remained home from school today because I have a cold or something.
Because of that, Boyfriend brought me ice cream and a chicken salad to make me feel better.

I couldn't just be like "No. Thanks, but no." after he'd spent his *limited* money on me.

So... Ready for disappointment?

Here we go.

Today's Intake:

2 peanut granola bars ~340~
One small Ice cream ~355~
Chicken Salad [only half] ~650~
Hot Tamales ~50~

Total Damage: ~1395~

EEEEk.

I am so so so so so so so so so angry at myself.
I need ritalin. BAD.

Not to get high. But to lose weight. It worked before, so it can work again.

Only question is... How?

Dear Ana,

I... am sick.

Stuffed up nose, sore throat. The whole deal.

I have to miss my favorite class tomorrow because there's a slight chance that I might be contagious.
I work in the nursery at my school. I love babies, so it's only natural that it's my favorite class.
I'm staying home to avoid getting my friends, and those babies sick.

On the bright side...

Today's total intake:

Bowl of Pasta ~ 475 ~
Bowl of Fruit Loops Cereal ~ 450~

Total Intake ~ 925 ~

Lower than yesterday's intake by 55 calories!

I didn't even feel hungry until like 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Maybe a side effect of my cold [I'm assuming that's what I have.] Maybe not. Either way, It gave me good results.

I would like to lower intake by 50 calories or more every day until I've eventually weaned myself off of food, and can successfully begin a fast.

Back to the Dark side...

I was unable to go to the gym this morning. You should have heard my breathing. I figured that if I sounded that bad before cardio, I didn't want to know what I'd sound like after cardio.

So I stayed in bed for an extra 3 hours and then pretended to be hyper all day so that I could burn more calories. I even ran up the stairs at school... You know how hard that is on a smoker's lungs???

Speed, I can do. I can even do High Incline... But throw in a set of stairs and I have myself a stroke lol

Tea has been my best friend. Cold water would hurt my throat, and tea is water, plus it's hot... Steam [water vapor] is great for sore throats and breathing problems. I don't have a vaporizer, so I use the tea to help. Plus, it's yummy =D

So Boyfriend's older sister is having a baby, and these are her husbands rules as to what everyone can and can't buy for his son:

No Winnie the Pooh, and Nothing that a man wouldn't wear.

He was raised in the mind that boys are boys and that is that. He would probably disown his son if he found out he was gay.
We were all kind of hoping that they would have a girl first so that he could be softened up by a sweet little 'daddy's princess'. and then have the boy later when he had had his heart melted by his daughter... No such luck.
Baby Boy is due Dec. 2nd
And I am excited =D

Here's some Thinspo just in case any of you need a kick like me =]

Dear Ana,

Today went okay.

Total Intake:

1 1/2 cup pineapple ~90?~
1 gum drop ~10?~
Corn-on-the-Cob ~120?~
Bagel ~330~
Bowl of Vegan soup ~150?~
2 [ >.< ] Fiber One bars ~280~

Total Cals: 980

See that? Just okay. I am super surprised and proud that I stayed below 1,000. Major accomplishment for whenever I allow myself to eat unchecked.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to go to the gym before school. I am going to get back into the routine of running or biking every day, and burning AT LEAST 400 calories per time at the gym. I have completely let my whole exercise routine go down the drain, and I want to get it back out.

I want to be like the girls at my school who wear sexy skirts and shorts and have nothing to worry about. I want to be able to see through the space between my thighs. I want to be able to confidently jump on my boyfriend's back without having to worry about giving him a deviated spinal disc.

I want to be able to eat without looking like a fat ass at Christmas.

Skinny girls don't look fat when they eat... But somehow, seeing a fat person eat is nauseating.
I will be skinny again. I promise myself. I promise you.

It's taking a major toll on my mental health having to look at this disgusting, jiggly, flabby body every day.

How am I supposed to imagine myself thin if I can't see myself any other way?

Oooo I can't wait to see my bones =] beautiful, sharp bones.

You are all my motivation!

For your comments on my last post, I would like to thank:

Lilah Lee
Amy
BonesArePure
BellaAna

You guys made me smile with your support and agreement on the fact that Cinnamon Rolls are the devil. I have no Idea how I would stay sane without you!

Stay Strong Ladies!

Dear Ana,

I've failed.
Mother made cinnamon rolls.
I told myself "just one bite." and I meant it, too.
Too bad I have ABSOLUTELY NO SELF CONTROL
I had 3.

THREE FUCKING CINNAMON ROLLS.

Way to break my fast, huh.
Two days of fasting, down the toilet. And for what?
Ooey, Gooey, disgustingness.

I just bought 3 bottles of laxatives offline [it's cheaper that way]
And I was tempted to buy Ritalin.
It was from a "foreign pharmacy" website.
But seeing as I'm a mess with a complete lack of back-bone.
I chickened out.

It's not like anyone would ever find out that I'd done it.

The website even said "Discreet packaging"
Ergo, no one would be able to tell what was inside the box.
But it also said "Against State and Federal Law To Purchase a Controlled Substance Without a Prescription."

That's the part that got me.
GOD

I feel so disgusting. I'm ashamed of myself, and ashamed of the fact that I can't control my ravenous stomach.
I want to cry
I want to roll around on the floor and scream and bang my head against a wall until my ears bleed.
That might even out all the fucking weight I've just thrown into my body.

I could have at least broken my fast with something healthy. But NO.
I just HAD to stuff my fat face.
With the way I'm doing now, I'll never reach my second goal.

Punch me in the face
Kick me in the stomach
Or a variation of both.

I am so close to losing it, it's not even funny.
And as soon as I finished the first one, I felt sick.
My body didn't even want it in me.

So what did I do?

I added 2 more to the mix.
It's one thing to binge on different thing.
It's quite another to binge on something that you already know will make you sick. 

Yell at me please.

Here's some Thinspo, for those of you who are doing as badly as I am, and For those of you who arent... You can use this to save you from yourself... Just like I should have done.