So, last night, My number stayed where it was when I posted.
((I don't quite remember the number, I know it was 500 something, I'd have to look at the post, and I'm too lazy))
But whatever the number was, it remained the same =]
Quite proud of myself for that.
I had a phone interview today for this company, and I got the job!!
I start August 10th, but I have to go in tomorrow with 2 valid forms of I.D.
And to get my tax paperwork done.
SOOO glad to finally have a real job again. Now I can actually pay for my own shit and take the weight off my mom's shoulders.
Annnnd this also means that I don't have to let boyfriend pay for a gym membership for me anymore.
I know he's "the man" and he's got this ideal of paying for "the woman" and her whims
But I don't like it when he spends unnecessary money on me (don't get me wrong) I do like it, I just feel guilty when I can't even afford to get him a birthday present, when he gets me the sweetest things for my birthday.
Now, I can get him nice things again =]
Do any of you ever watch old shows, like things you watched as a kid?
I love watching the shows that I watched when I was younger. They remind me of easier times. Plus, cartoons are just so much fun! I'm watching Arthur right now. I don't know if any of you have ever even heard of it, but it was one of my favorite shows as a kid, and I still love watching it when I'm sad, or even just in the mood for cartoons.
I know that was random lol, just wanted to let you know a bit more about muah.
So, I haven't weighed yet, and I'm debating on whether I should wait to weigh until my doc's appointment ((In 3 weeks))
Or if I should do weekly Sunday Weigh-Ins like I've been doing since I started restricting again.
What do you girls think??
AAAHhhhHH I'm just so excited for this job!!!
I've been doing online gym tours like all day lol. Just SO excited to be back in the habit of going to the gym every day before work (Because I know damned well that if I wait until after work, I won't do it)
I don't care HOW early I have to work, if I have to be there by 6, I'll get up at 4... Okay, so that's wayyy early... Training hours are 11am-8pm, so I'll be able to go to the gym around 8, workout till 9, be showered and ready by 10, and then get something calorie friendly to eat for breakfast before I go in to work around 10:45, just to make absolutely sure that I'm on time
After that, I have no idea what my schedule will be once training is over, but hopefully itll be a bit earlier in the morning, like, say 9? and then I'd like to get off around 4 or 5. I can only hope, especially since the schedules are set. You are given a schedule, and that's what you have. So, if it's too late in the morning, then I'll be getting home around the time that Boyfriend goes to bed (he has to go to bed early because he has to be at work by 5 am) Then, I would see him only in bed, after he's asleep, and on weekends. That would suck, major balls. That's why I want an earlier schedule. Plus, I'd rather get off work with some of the day left, than get off work when the day is ending.
Anyway, I have run out of things to talk about, so I'm going to check to see if there are any new blogs I haven't read, and if there arent, I'm going to wait until there are lol
I Have. No life.
Love you guys!!!
XOXO
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Furthering My Previous Thoughts
I have the best Boyfriend in the world.
How is he the best, you ask?
He says that, if I go to Gold's Gym, [which is like 10$ per month] He'll pay for my membership so that I can get back into the gym scene.
He knows how much I hate treadmills, and how miserable I am sitting around the house all day.
Plus, I'm thinking that if I'm not the one paying for the membership, I'll be more likely to go since I DON'T want to waste Boyfriend's money.
I would feel so selfish and ungrateful if I did that.
So, more thoughts about my Doc appointment today.
He said that my thyroid levels were "Questionably low"
But didn't emphasize and just wrote me a prescription for thyroid meds
I wanna know what he meant by "Questionably"
Because there were 3 numbers under the thyroid category
2 were normal
1 was "Questionable"
I suppose I wouldn't be as freaked out if he had simply said "low" or "a bit low", but "questionably"
made me a bit nervous. I think it's the wording he used...
But anyway, on a less repetitive topic, Doc also doubled my antidepressants. Not sure how I feel about that one, because the last few times my antidepressant doses were raised, the effects would be noticeable at first, and then fade to the point where I could hardly feel them at all. I would still be depressed as I was before I started taking them.
So, we'll see how that goes.
As of right now, my intake for today is 565
Hopefully I can keep it that way, but depending on hunger it might go up 2 or 3 hundred
Even then, though, I'll have stayed under 1,000
Which I have managed to do for the past 3 days, by the way
(\_/)
(^.^)
c(")(")
^^^ That, right there, is a bunny lol. I figured out how to do that today, not complicated, I know, but still very cute.
Special shout out to Peri
Thanks, girl. I know I shouldn't be concerned about the pills, and getting it fixed IS a good thing. I just guess I had this utopian idea of being pill free and perfectly healthy one day... Oh well, though. I really am hoping that this hypothyroidism is the reason for my weight problems, and that the pills will help with my energy levels. Because I am SO damn sick of being tired all the time lol
I think my flu heard you loud and clear, love =] I'm feeling better already!!
LoveyouLoveyou!!
I love you girls So very much!
Have a good day for those of you on the other side of the world, and Sleep well, for those of you in the U.S.A.
How is he the best, you ask?
He says that, if I go to Gold's Gym, [which is like 10$ per month] He'll pay for my membership so that I can get back into the gym scene.
He knows how much I hate treadmills, and how miserable I am sitting around the house all day.
Plus, I'm thinking that if I'm not the one paying for the membership, I'll be more likely to go since I DON'T want to waste Boyfriend's money.
I would feel so selfish and ungrateful if I did that.
So, more thoughts about my Doc appointment today.
He said that my thyroid levels were "Questionably low"
But didn't emphasize and just wrote me a prescription for thyroid meds
I wanna know what he meant by "Questionably"
Because there were 3 numbers under the thyroid category
2 were normal
1 was "Questionable"
I suppose I wouldn't be as freaked out if he had simply said "low" or "a bit low", but "questionably"
made me a bit nervous. I think it's the wording he used...
But anyway, on a less repetitive topic, Doc also doubled my antidepressants. Not sure how I feel about that one, because the last few times my antidepressant doses were raised, the effects would be noticeable at first, and then fade to the point where I could hardly feel them at all. I would still be depressed as I was before I started taking them.
So, we'll see how that goes.
As of right now, my intake for today is 565
Hopefully I can keep it that way, but depending on hunger it might go up 2 or 3 hundred
Even then, though, I'll have stayed under 1,000
Which I have managed to do for the past 3 days, by the way
(\_/)
(^.^)
c(")(")
^^^ That, right there, is a bunny lol. I figured out how to do that today, not complicated, I know, but still very cute.
Special shout out to Peri
Thanks, girl. I know I shouldn't be concerned about the pills, and getting it fixed IS a good thing. I just guess I had this utopian idea of being pill free and perfectly healthy one day... Oh well, though. I really am hoping that this hypothyroidism is the reason for my weight problems, and that the pills will help with my energy levels. Because I am SO damn sick of being tired all the time lol
I think my flu heard you loud and clear, love =] I'm feeling better already!!
LoveyouLoveyou!!
I love you girls So very much!
Have a good day for those of you on the other side of the world, and Sleep well, for those of you in the U.S.A.
Sick, Big Loss, and Doctor's Visit
I do believe that I've caught some kind of flu.
I feel absolutely awful. Aches and pains, sooo freaking tired.
On the bright side, though, my weight is down to 191.2
Not sure if it's actual weight loss, though, or if it's from being so sick.
The doctor has this scale thingy that measures body fat, hydration, muscle mass, and the likes. And according to it, the weight loss may have been legit.
My doctor's visit went alright. Kind of disappointing, seeing as I originally went to this doc so that I could get put on HCG, but, the first week he wanted blood work done first, which I understood completely. Now, though, the blood results are in, and still no HCG.
Not only this, but I apparently had low thyroid levels, and so I've been put on thyroid medication.
And there's a very good chance that I'll be on said medication for the rest of my life...
That's a big commitment for a 19 year old.
And a disappointing one to have to make.
Quick Comment Reply:
Honor Regzig: Yeah, that's basically how she is. She Literally doesn't understand how anything is her fault. You can explain why something was wrong in the simplest of terms, and she doesn't get it. She can do no wrong in her mind.
And yeah, lol being a crackhead is worse to me as well. luckily my sister doesn't do that [as far as I know anyway]
Yeah, I have two piercings on my lower lip, and no, no goths, just A LOT of mormons. I used to dress kind of like Abby, but a bit more colorful, just lots of black lol. Like black and neon was more my style. and No problem =] I'm always here if you need anything, love!
I need to lay down, now, though. Feeling a bit faint, and nauseous.
Fucking flu.
I love you guys.
XOXO
I feel absolutely awful. Aches and pains, sooo freaking tired.
On the bright side, though, my weight is down to 191.2
Not sure if it's actual weight loss, though, or if it's from being so sick.
The doctor has this scale thingy that measures body fat, hydration, muscle mass, and the likes. And according to it, the weight loss may have been legit.
My doctor's visit went alright. Kind of disappointing, seeing as I originally went to this doc so that I could get put on HCG, but, the first week he wanted blood work done first, which I understood completely. Now, though, the blood results are in, and still no HCG.
Not only this, but I apparently had low thyroid levels, and so I've been put on thyroid medication.
And there's a very good chance that I'll be on said medication for the rest of my life...
That's a big commitment for a 19 year old.
And a disappointing one to have to make.
Quick Comment Reply:
Honor Regzig: Yeah, that's basically how she is. She Literally doesn't understand how anything is her fault. You can explain why something was wrong in the simplest of terms, and she doesn't get it. She can do no wrong in her mind.
And yeah, lol being a crackhead is worse to me as well. luckily my sister doesn't do that [as far as I know anyway]
Yeah, I have two piercings on my lower lip, and no, no goths, just A LOT of mormons. I used to dress kind of like Abby, but a bit more colorful, just lots of black lol. Like black and neon was more my style. and No problem =] I'm always here if you need anything, love!
I need to lay down, now, though. Feeling a bit faint, and nauseous.
Fucking flu.
I love you guys.
XOXO
Friday, July 27, 2012
Comment Replies:
Too Fat: I'm trying to do that, but I think my internet is dumb and won't let me load anything. I'll put in your URL, and it'll start saving, and then say that it couldn't load the page correctly. I'll keep trying, though.
Peridot: I know, it sucks!! especially since the urge to eat seems so strong! I'd love to try knitting again, just need to get the stuff lol. And no, unfortunately my family gets no help from them with bills or anything. I'm job hunting right now though, so I can pick up the slack a little bit.
New Zealand sounds gorgeous =] and even if it is cold, I adore the cold, so I think I could handle it.
MLM: I'm 19 and she's 17. Two years apart. And I wish that this behavior was only in the teenage part of her life. But, alas, she's been like this since she was very little. Angry and manipulative and willing to plow down anyone who gets in the way of what she wants, even if they get badly hurt.
I know I've outgrown all my friends, but my problem is that I'm not good at making new ones. Plus, I have piercings on my face, and tattoos, so, sadly, the only people who DONT smoke weed around where I live, are either Mormon, or just plain conservative and too stuck up to accept me With the piercings, and everyone who IS willing to hang out and accept me are the stoners. I look like I belong with the stoner group, but act like I belong to the preppy group. Kind of a no win situation.
Black Angel: Thank you for the complement about my writing! That really means a lot to me. And you're very welcome for the comments on your blog. I love the unique style, and all the inspiring quotes and pictures. I hope I can gain the patience to deal with everything rationally, but I think that the only answer is to get away for a while. Give myself a chance to miss everyone before I come back. That way I wouldn't be so tired of their shit anymore, ya know?
Clytie: I'm the same way! I always want to eat when the TV's on, or at the movies it's the worst! cuz Boyfriend always gets popcorn and some type of candy, to which I have to say no. It sucks.
She goes in levels of awfulness. The only time we really get along is when we have something in common, usually she wants to bitch about one thing or another, and I listen, or someone is hurting her, and I try to help her through it. Other than those times, she basically is destructive and selfish. I sincerely hope she grows out of it. It kills me to know that we have such an awful relationship. I would hate it if we stopped talking, I always wanted us to be best friends when we were older, but if she stays like this, I won't even want her around my future children. That last point breaks my heart the most.
Peridot: I know, it sucks!! especially since the urge to eat seems so strong! I'd love to try knitting again, just need to get the stuff lol. And no, unfortunately my family gets no help from them with bills or anything. I'm job hunting right now though, so I can pick up the slack a little bit.
New Zealand sounds gorgeous =] and even if it is cold, I adore the cold, so I think I could handle it.
MLM: I'm 19 and she's 17. Two years apart. And I wish that this behavior was only in the teenage part of her life. But, alas, she's been like this since she was very little. Angry and manipulative and willing to plow down anyone who gets in the way of what she wants, even if they get badly hurt.
I know I've outgrown all my friends, but my problem is that I'm not good at making new ones. Plus, I have piercings on my face, and tattoos, so, sadly, the only people who DONT smoke weed around where I live, are either Mormon, or just plain conservative and too stuck up to accept me With the piercings, and everyone who IS willing to hang out and accept me are the stoners. I look like I belong with the stoner group, but act like I belong to the preppy group. Kind of a no win situation.
Black Angel: Thank you for the complement about my writing! That really means a lot to me. And you're very welcome for the comments on your blog. I love the unique style, and all the inspiring quotes and pictures. I hope I can gain the patience to deal with everything rationally, but I think that the only answer is to get away for a while. Give myself a chance to miss everyone before I come back. That way I wouldn't be so tired of their shit anymore, ya know?
Clytie: I'm the same way! I always want to eat when the TV's on, or at the movies it's the worst! cuz Boyfriend always gets popcorn and some type of candy, to which I have to say no. It sucks.
She goes in levels of awfulness. The only time we really get along is when we have something in common, usually she wants to bitch about one thing or another, and I listen, or someone is hurting her, and I try to help her through it. Other than those times, she basically is destructive and selfish. I sincerely hope she grows out of it. It kills me to know that we have such an awful relationship. I would hate it if we stopped talking, I always wanted us to be best friends when we were older, but if she stays like this, I won't even want her around my future children. That last point breaks my heart the most.
190th Post, New Followers, and Frustrations
This is my 190th post!
Damn, who knew I had this much to say?
And 123 followers?? I'm honored!
Please, introduce yourselves so that I can follow you if I'm not already!!
I want to get to know you all!!
K, so I'm lacking in variety here... I eat the exact same things every day, because these things are the only things I consider low-calorie enough to eat.
This is my frustration. Eating anything is yummy at first, but after a while, it gets boring and frustrating and to the point where I'd rather not eat than eat anything I'm allowed to have.
I'm not quite bored of the foods yet, but I have a feeling I will be soon.
Oatmeal with blueberries every breakfast [242]
Deli meat and cheese every lunch (different cheeses, though) [170]
Tostada with beans, cheese, and salsa every dinner [310]
Tostada with cheese and hummus for a snack [250]
Pickles in between, to stave off hunger [5]
Yes, I do switch up the order in which I eat these things, but this is my food every day [pretty much anyway.] Depending on what cheese I use, the calories could be more or less, but my point is that this is becoming routine... And whenever I happen to fall into a routine, I get bored and deviate.
I don't want to do that, though.
This is the first time I've seen ANY sort of loss in months, and I'm not ready to let that go yet.
I have another doctor's appointment on Monday, to get the results from my blood work and to find out whether or not he'll put me on hcg himself, or if I need to get it illegally without a prescription. I've had my hopes up for almost two weeks now, and if he doesn't put me on HCG, I will scream, and never again waste one single penny on that doctor.
Fingers crossed that it goes well, though.
I'm still kinda pissed that the appetite suppressant is still two weeks from being released onto the market. It would have been a great help, but now I'm almost to my appointment, and if I'm on HCG after it, then the prescription would be useless and a good thing would have been wasted.
I'm still trolling blogger to keep my mind off of hunger, and almost no one posts regularly anymore. I have like 4 or 5 blogs that I'm able to read new every day, but I'm a fast reader, and I go through them kinda fast, commenting and all.
So, for all my readers, Post more, Comment more.
I miss everyone!
Now I'mma go and read old posts from everyone, including me.
I've taken to reading my old old posts.
I've changed SO much since I started writing here.
My wording is different, my attitude [while still mostly positive] is different.
Anyway, off to do all that.
Love you all =]
Damn, who knew I had this much to say?
And 123 followers?? I'm honored!
Please, introduce yourselves so that I can follow you if I'm not already!!
I want to get to know you all!!
K, so I'm lacking in variety here... I eat the exact same things every day, because these things are the only things I consider low-calorie enough to eat.
This is my frustration. Eating anything is yummy at first, but after a while, it gets boring and frustrating and to the point where I'd rather not eat than eat anything I'm allowed to have.
I'm not quite bored of the foods yet, but I have a feeling I will be soon.
Oatmeal with blueberries every breakfast [242]
Deli meat and cheese every lunch (different cheeses, though) [170]
Tostada with beans, cheese, and salsa every dinner [310]
Tostada with cheese and hummus for a snack [250]
Pickles in between, to stave off hunger [5]
Yes, I do switch up the order in which I eat these things, but this is my food every day [pretty much anyway.] Depending on what cheese I use, the calories could be more or less, but my point is that this is becoming routine... And whenever I happen to fall into a routine, I get bored and deviate.
I don't want to do that, though.
This is the first time I've seen ANY sort of loss in months, and I'm not ready to let that go yet.
I have another doctor's appointment on Monday, to get the results from my blood work and to find out whether or not he'll put me on hcg himself, or if I need to get it illegally without a prescription. I've had my hopes up for almost two weeks now, and if he doesn't put me on HCG, I will scream, and never again waste one single penny on that doctor.
Fingers crossed that it goes well, though.
I'm still kinda pissed that the appetite suppressant is still two weeks from being released onto the market. It would have been a great help, but now I'm almost to my appointment, and if I'm on HCG after it, then the prescription would be useless and a good thing would have been wasted.
I'm still trolling blogger to keep my mind off of hunger, and almost no one posts regularly anymore. I have like 4 or 5 blogs that I'm able to read new every day, but I'm a fast reader, and I go through them kinda fast, commenting and all.
So, for all my readers, Post more, Comment more.
I miss everyone!
Now I'mma go and read old posts from everyone, including me.
I've taken to reading my old old posts.
I've changed SO much since I started writing here.
My wording is different, my attitude [while still mostly positive] is different.
Anyway, off to do all that.
Love you all =]
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Confusion, End of Day Totals, and an Angry Rant
This might be a long one, girls [and guys?] so if you have to pee, I suggest you do it now.
I'm going to bed after this post, so I think it's safe to announce my end of day calorie count.
1,067 calories. And 2 litres of water. I stayed well under my limit, and am quite pleased, to say the least. I might walk for a few minutes before I go to bed, but we'll see just how exhausted I am when bedtime actually comes.
I've had a stomach ache for the past couple hours, and it feels a bit like hunger pains, but I don't feel hungry? Today has been surprisingly easy because of that last point: Not feeling hungry... But, in the same way, it was also difficult.. Because the way my mind works is: Even if I'm not physically hungry, I'm mentally hungry... I need to be so full that I'm physically sick in order to not crave food. So, today confused me because I didn't feel tummy hungry... I felt mind hungry, and that's the hardest kind of hunger for me to get rid of, because in my head, I'm hungry. My stomach rarely enters the equation unless I'm too full to speak, or so empty that my stomach growls.
And... Angry rant time.
So, for a little bit of background info, My sister and I have always had a complicated relationship.
I've always been made out to be the mean big sister, which, I admit, I have been mean. But sisters are known for being vicious to each other. Well, when she was younger, she was always pissed off at me because her friends liked to hang out with me. But I never hung out with them exclusively, and she was always there when I was around said friends. The thing is, as soon as I became remotely 'chummy' with one of her friends, she, my mother, and pretty much my whole family would say things like "you're her big sister, be nice."
I didn't then, and still don't see how I was being mean. In fact, I completely stopped talking to those friends of hers the minute she asked me to...
Now, here's what I'm angry about. She is a complete pothead. Like burnout status, and most of my friends are too. But for the last few months, they've been talking to her more. Which I understand, since they all smoke ridiculous amounts of weed. But when I talk to her about maybe not isolating me so much, she gets mad and asks 'what do you want me to do about it?'
Had I not been through the same situation with her, but reversed, I wouldn't be so pissed about it. But the fact that she spoke to me about the exact same thing [hanging out with her friends too much] I completely stopped talking to those people. And I'm not even asking her to stop talking to them! I just don't like feeling so isolated from everyone I know. Which is exactly how I feel. And I've talked to her about it multiple times, but she couldn't give a shit less.
About a month ago, my best friend moved in with us because she was having a hard time and needed some support and a place to stay... Now, a month later, that same friend that I was so close to before, only hangs out with me when the little sister is not available. I know it's not all my sister's fault, obviously, but was it really completely my fault when her friends were hanging out and talking with me? No, it wasn't, but still, I ignored text messages and invites to hang out to the point where they never even bothered anymore, because I wasn't allowed to respond.
My whole family was the same way. they all told me that because she's my little sister, I should just stop talking to them, because she needs the friends and I have my own. And whenever I'd get a text from one of them, she'd shoot me this look like 'don't you dare text back'
And I wouldn't.
But now, I have two people in my life to turn to: My mom, and Boyfriend.
Every time I try to talk to one of my 'friends' about a fight I've had with the sister, they agree with her, and usually tell me that I'm either being mean, or too harsh, or need to see it from 'her point of view'
I can't turn to anyone anymore. I can tell that mom and boyfriend are getting tired of hearing the same complaints over and over again, and I don't want to drag them into my drama, anyway.
My mom already stresses out about so much in her life, I don't feel like I should be adding to the stress, and I feel extremely selfish whenever I do.
Because, just as I'm doing now, every time the subject comes up I go off on these tirades and rants that always outline the exact same things, in the exact same, teary-eyed way.
The thing that gets me is this: The fact thatmy her friends actually want me to see it from 'her point of view' makes me laugh, and this is why.
A] My sister is EXTREMELY disrespectful to both me and my mother
B] She is only nice when she wants something, and if she doesn't get it, she makes you feel like you
are the WORST person on the face of the earth, or just goes for insults.
C] Those insults (for my mom, anyway) usually revolve around trying to convince her that "Ayden
would be allowed to go" or "You'd let Ayden do it"
D] Which, in turn, makes my WONDERFUL mother feel like shit.
And on a side note, I NEVER wanted to do the things that she asks to do. She participates in drug deals in shady areas and with shady people, and goes to raves regularly.
When I was a kid, the worst thing I ever did was go doorbell ditching, or sticking wet tampons to things.
And those two things above ^^^ I was the exact same age as she is now when I was doing those things. She is out of control, and rude, and [I know you may just think I'm angry as I say this, and think that I 'don't really mean it' But I do]
She is the ultimate manipulator. She appears nice tomy her friends, but she's most definitely not showing them everything. In fact, when they take her side, I want to scream that they don't even KNOW her. She has an ulterior motive for everything she does. And even after a huge family fight, she is unaffected. She goes about her business like nothing ever happened, and then makes me and my mother sound like boring awful people who only wish to ruin fun for everyone. If I fight with my family, I am depressed until it's fixed. Especially with my mother, [since, if I fight with my sister, I know that it won't be resolved unless she gets her way]
If I fight with my mom, I absolutely can't stand seeing her upset. I love her too much, so I'll stay in her room for hours talking things out and making sure that she's okay..
And, you know how "Fine" and "I don't care" DON'T mean "yes, love, you may do [insert activity here]"
Little sister takes her first opening as permission. Even if she leaves my mother in tears, [which she frequently does]
I even had to talk my mother out of some suicidal thoughts that were the result of things that my sister had said to her.
And it is because of all the things above that I have been finding it increasingly hard to like my sister. I'll always love her, but I don't like her all of the time.
*End Angry Rant*
I love you girls, and hope that you're all having a better night/day than I've had.
Bed time, now, though.
Good night, my loves. I'll post again tomorrow
And, Before I forget; Thank you, Piggy, Clytie, and Alice May for your encouraging comments, You made my day, girls =] I smiled after each one of your comments!
I'm going to bed after this post, so I think it's safe to announce my end of day calorie count.
1,067 calories. And 2 litres of water. I stayed well under my limit, and am quite pleased, to say the least. I might walk for a few minutes before I go to bed, but we'll see just how exhausted I am when bedtime actually comes.
I've had a stomach ache for the past couple hours, and it feels a bit like hunger pains, but I don't feel hungry? Today has been surprisingly easy because of that last point: Not feeling hungry... But, in the same way, it was also difficult.. Because the way my mind works is: Even if I'm not physically hungry, I'm mentally hungry... I need to be so full that I'm physically sick in order to not crave food. So, today confused me because I didn't feel tummy hungry... I felt mind hungry, and that's the hardest kind of hunger for me to get rid of, because in my head, I'm hungry. My stomach rarely enters the equation unless I'm too full to speak, or so empty that my stomach growls.
And... Angry rant time.
So, for a little bit of background info, My sister and I have always had a complicated relationship.
I've always been made out to be the mean big sister, which, I admit, I have been mean. But sisters are known for being vicious to each other. Well, when she was younger, she was always pissed off at me because her friends liked to hang out with me. But I never hung out with them exclusively, and she was always there when I was around said friends. The thing is, as soon as I became remotely 'chummy' with one of her friends, she, my mother, and pretty much my whole family would say things like "you're her big sister, be nice."
I didn't then, and still don't see how I was being mean. In fact, I completely stopped talking to those friends of hers the minute she asked me to...
Now, here's what I'm angry about. She is a complete pothead. Like burnout status, and most of my friends are too. But for the last few months, they've been talking to her more. Which I understand, since they all smoke ridiculous amounts of weed. But when I talk to her about maybe not isolating me so much, she gets mad and asks 'what do you want me to do about it?'
Had I not been through the same situation with her, but reversed, I wouldn't be so pissed about it. But the fact that she spoke to me about the exact same thing [hanging out with her friends too much] I completely stopped talking to those people. And I'm not even asking her to stop talking to them! I just don't like feeling so isolated from everyone I know. Which is exactly how I feel. And I've talked to her about it multiple times, but she couldn't give a shit less.
About a month ago, my best friend moved in with us because she was having a hard time and needed some support and a place to stay... Now, a month later, that same friend that I was so close to before, only hangs out with me when the little sister is not available. I know it's not all my sister's fault, obviously, but was it really completely my fault when her friends were hanging out and talking with me? No, it wasn't, but still, I ignored text messages and invites to hang out to the point where they never even bothered anymore, because I wasn't allowed to respond.
My whole family was the same way. they all told me that because she's my little sister, I should just stop talking to them, because she needs the friends and I have my own. And whenever I'd get a text from one of them, she'd shoot me this look like 'don't you dare text back'
And I wouldn't.
But now, I have two people in my life to turn to: My mom, and Boyfriend.
Every time I try to talk to one of my 'friends' about a fight I've had with the sister, they agree with her, and usually tell me that I'm either being mean, or too harsh, or need to see it from 'her point of view'
I can't turn to anyone anymore. I can tell that mom and boyfriend are getting tired of hearing the same complaints over and over again, and I don't want to drag them into my drama, anyway.
My mom already stresses out about so much in her life, I don't feel like I should be adding to the stress, and I feel extremely selfish whenever I do.
Because, just as I'm doing now, every time the subject comes up I go off on these tirades and rants that always outline the exact same things, in the exact same, teary-eyed way.
The thing that gets me is this: The fact that
A] My sister is EXTREMELY disrespectful to both me and my mother
B] She is only nice when she wants something, and if she doesn't get it, she makes you feel like you
are the WORST person on the face of the earth, or just goes for insults.
C] Those insults (for my mom, anyway) usually revolve around trying to convince her that "Ayden
would be allowed to go" or "You'd let Ayden do it"
D] Which, in turn, makes my WONDERFUL mother feel like shit.
And on a side note, I NEVER wanted to do the things that she asks to do. She participates in drug deals in shady areas and with shady people, and goes to raves regularly.
When I was a kid, the worst thing I ever did was go doorbell ditching, or sticking wet tampons to things.
And those two things above ^^^ I was the exact same age as she is now when I was doing those things. She is out of control, and rude, and [I know you may just think I'm angry as I say this, and think that I 'don't really mean it' But I do]
She is the ultimate manipulator. She appears nice to
If I fight with my mom, I absolutely can't stand seeing her upset. I love her too much, so I'll stay in her room for hours talking things out and making sure that she's okay..
And, you know how "Fine" and "I don't care" DON'T mean "yes, love, you may do [insert activity here]"
Little sister takes her first opening as permission. Even if she leaves my mother in tears, [which she frequently does]
I even had to talk my mother out of some suicidal thoughts that were the result of things that my sister had said to her.
And it is because of all the things above that I have been finding it increasingly hard to like my sister. I'll always love her, but I don't like her all of the time.
*End Angry Rant*
I love you girls, and hope that you're all having a better night/day than I've had.
Bed time, now, though.
Good night, my loves. I'll post again tomorrow
And, Before I forget; Thank you, Piggy, Clytie, and Alice May for your encouraging comments, You made my day, girls =] I smiled after each one of your comments!
BMR, Calorie Counts, and Deficits
So, I found this nifty little BMR calculator online, and found out that, in order to maintain my current weight, I'd need to be consuming 2,073.78 calories per day. In order to lose weight, I need to consume less, which I have been doing :)
Calorie counting seems so natural to me, now... I feel like, even if the doctor does take me off of this diet, I won't be able to stop... Not now.
My Calorie Numbers for every day of this diet are:
Day #1 - 743
Day #2 - 1,034
Day #3 - 1,073
Day #4 - 1,070
Day #5 - 1,059
Day #6 - CHEAT DAY (Boyfriend's Birthday)
Day #7 - 1,239
Day #8 - 1,037
Day #9 - 1,042 Output: 460.7
Day #10 - 1,242
Today is Day #11, and I've yet to eat anything. I like waiting until after noon before eating because, that way, I have less time to eat all of my calories. The calorie limit that the doctor gave me was 1,500, so I feel that I've done pretty well. Not once, (except maybe for cheat day... I dunno, I didn't count on that day) have I gone over, or even reached the limit.
And, judging by my last weigh-in, it seems to be working.
My only problem is getting up the energy, and motivation, to exercise... I know I'd be losing more, and faster, if I was exercising every day, or even every other day, but sadly, I've exercised a total of 3 times while on this diet... Pathetic, I know...
I'm just, in all honesty, not used to eating this little... The eating without restraint is what caused my weight gain in the first place, and judging by the large number from the beginning of my post, I'm sure you can get an idea of just how much I WAS eating every day... So, cutting 1,000 calories out of my daily diet made me extremely lethargic, and GRUMPY as all hell.
And the output above was the only day that I actually counted lost calories and wrote them down. I tracked calories lost on the other two workouts, but I didn't write either of them down.
Now, I seem to recall, that I used to put a lengthy Thinspo at the end of each post.
And, after all, I am one who honors tradition =]
I think the theme will be Fantasy
Enjoy!
Calorie counting seems so natural to me, now... I feel like, even if the doctor does take me off of this diet, I won't be able to stop... Not now.
My Calorie Numbers for every day of this diet are:
Day #1 - 743
Day #2 - 1,034
Day #3 - 1,073
Day #4 - 1,070
Day #5 - 1,059
Day #6 - CHEAT DAY (Boyfriend's Birthday)
Day #7 - 1,239
Day #8 - 1,037
Day #9 - 1,042 Output: 460.7
Day #10 - 1,242
Today is Day #11, and I've yet to eat anything. I like waiting until after noon before eating because, that way, I have less time to eat all of my calories. The calorie limit that the doctor gave me was 1,500, so I feel that I've done pretty well. Not once, (except maybe for cheat day... I dunno, I didn't count on that day) have I gone over, or even reached the limit.
And, judging by my last weigh-in, it seems to be working.
My only problem is getting up the energy, and motivation, to exercise... I know I'd be losing more, and faster, if I was exercising every day, or even every other day, but sadly, I've exercised a total of 3 times while on this diet... Pathetic, I know...
I'm just, in all honesty, not used to eating this little... The eating without restraint is what caused my weight gain in the first place, and judging by the large number from the beginning of my post, I'm sure you can get an idea of just how much I WAS eating every day... So, cutting 1,000 calories out of my daily diet made me extremely lethargic, and GRUMPY as all hell.
And the output above was the only day that I actually counted lost calories and wrote them down. I tracked calories lost on the other two workouts, but I didn't write either of them down.
Now, I seem to recall, that I used to put a lengthy Thinspo at the end of each post.
And, after all, I am one who honors tradition =]
I think the theme will be Fantasy
Enjoy!
"If I wasn't meant to fly, I wouldn't have these wings."
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Too Slow...
My progress, that is. I'm not sure how much I'm losing, I haven't done the math, but however much it is, I feel like it's too slow.
But first things first.
Miranda, Thank you for your comment on my previous post!
Pizza is my worst enemy, and one of the hardest things for me to resist.
You're right, I do just need to keep going, it's just so hard when your brain is hardwired for insults and tough love. But I feel that I've bounced back nicely.
Thank you again, love =] It's nice to know that at someone's still reading..
Which brings me to my next point... Everyone is disappearing from blogger. They're either leaving it behind for another, similar site, or they feel that they've outgrown it and no longer want to continue, I don't know. All I know, is that this makes me feel so terribly alone.
Everyone else is striving for recovery, they've reached their turning point and want to heal themselves.. Which I applaud, obviously. It's just that, my messed up brain still clings to this one fiber of control that I can still have... I know I can give it up, and I know I should ask for help in healing my mind, but I don't want to... It's sick, and twisted, and completely insane, I know. But I feel like this is my rock... This is the one constant I can count on.
And I know that, when my time comes, you'll all support me when I find it time to leave, but for now, I'm not ready to leave... And it makes me sad that others are, and that, in the process, they're leaving me behind...
I haven't weighed yet, and I know I need to, but I'm too lethargic to bother...
I'll post later this week, maybe even again today, I'm not sure about that one, though. Depends on how hungry I get.
I love you guys!
But first things first.
Miranda, Thank you for your comment on my previous post!
Pizza is my worst enemy, and one of the hardest things for me to resist.
You're right, I do just need to keep going, it's just so hard when your brain is hardwired for insults and tough love. But I feel that I've bounced back nicely.
Thank you again, love =] It's nice to know that at someone's still reading..
Which brings me to my next point... Everyone is disappearing from blogger. They're either leaving it behind for another, similar site, or they feel that they've outgrown it and no longer want to continue, I don't know. All I know, is that this makes me feel so terribly alone.
Everyone else is striving for recovery, they've reached their turning point and want to heal themselves.. Which I applaud, obviously. It's just that, my messed up brain still clings to this one fiber of control that I can still have... I know I can give it up, and I know I should ask for help in healing my mind, but I don't want to... It's sick, and twisted, and completely insane, I know. But I feel like this is my rock... This is the one constant I can count on.
And I know that, when my time comes, you'll all support me when I find it time to leave, but for now, I'm not ready to leave... And it makes me sad that others are, and that, in the process, they're leaving me behind...
I haven't weighed yet, and I know I need to, but I'm too lethargic to bother...
I'll post later this week, maybe even again today, I'm not sure about that one, though. Depends on how hungry I get.
I love you guys!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Things Learned, Updates, and a Birthday
So, shortly after I posted for the first time about my diet, I did some math.
I was a bit weary about trusting the nurse who gave me the diet plan, since she didn't actually do any math to figure out what, and how much, I should be eating. She simply added 2 oz. of meat, and called it good.
Well, it turns out that the diet plan she gave me was less than 800 calories per day. Day 1 was 743 calories. Which I was glad of, but I felt sick and shaky, and so I decided to add some things to make it so I was getting more calories per day. Now, I can also have one serving of oatmeal, and 3 eggs. But even with that, I don't reach 1500, which is perfectly okay with me.
Annnd... it seems that my attempts at weight loss have paid off. I weighed this morning before I ate my oatmeal, and I'm down to 197.4... Not quite 3 lbs, but a loss...
GOD, it has been so freaking long since I have seen a loss.
I'm surprised that the loss wasn't less, though.
See, yesterday, was my boyfriend's 20th birthday. And the day before that, we spent the day with his family, during said day, I had a hamburger, potato salad, baked beans, [I refused the cake] and then later, I ate 3 pieces of pizza...
I didn't even want to try to guess at that day's calories, so I just called it a birthday cheat day, and tried to call it good... But after the pizza, I kind of had a manic depressive breakdown... I bawled about how my emotional problems are ruining boyfriend's birthday, and how I ate 3 pieces of pizza when I'm supposed to be on a diet... I just was hysterical.
Yesterday was better, but not by much, We went to see the Dark Knight Rises, and I ate popcorn and licorice... popcorn is 35 calories per cup, and the licorice was 4 pieces for 160 calories,,, I had 6 pieces, so it would have been more like 240, plus an estimate of 10 cups of popcorn, so 350
+ 240 is 590...
I need to reign myself in, and get up the fucking energy to exercise, but, with what I'm eating, or the amount, that is, I feel tired, all the time...
Glad I lost, though.
I want you all to start updating more!! I miss all of your blogs!
XX
I was a bit weary about trusting the nurse who gave me the diet plan, since she didn't actually do any math to figure out what, and how much, I should be eating. She simply added 2 oz. of meat, and called it good.
Well, it turns out that the diet plan she gave me was less than 800 calories per day. Day 1 was 743 calories. Which I was glad of, but I felt sick and shaky, and so I decided to add some things to make it so I was getting more calories per day. Now, I can also have one serving of oatmeal, and 3 eggs. But even with that, I don't reach 1500, which is perfectly okay with me.
Annnd... it seems that my attempts at weight loss have paid off. I weighed this morning before I ate my oatmeal, and I'm down to 197.4... Not quite 3 lbs, but a loss...
GOD, it has been so freaking long since I have seen a loss.
I'm surprised that the loss wasn't less, though.
See, yesterday, was my boyfriend's 20th birthday. And the day before that, we spent the day with his family, during said day, I had a hamburger, potato salad, baked beans, [I refused the cake] and then later, I ate 3 pieces of pizza...
I didn't even want to try to guess at that day's calories, so I just called it a birthday cheat day, and tried to call it good... But after the pizza, I kind of had a manic depressive breakdown... I bawled about how my emotional problems are ruining boyfriend's birthday, and how I ate 3 pieces of pizza when I'm supposed to be on a diet... I just was hysterical.
Yesterday was better, but not by much, We went to see the Dark Knight Rises, and I ate popcorn and licorice... popcorn is 35 calories per cup, and the licorice was 4 pieces for 160 calories,,, I had 6 pieces, so it would have been more like 240, plus an estimate of 10 cups of popcorn, so 350
+ 240 is 590...
I need to reign myself in, and get up the fucking energy to exercise, but, with what I'm eating, or the amount, that is, I feel tired, all the time...
Glad I lost, though.
I want you all to start updating more!! I miss all of your blogs!
XX
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Official Weight, and Diet Day #2
So, as promised, I'm posting my true, current weight right now.
As of yesterday, I am 199.6
Disgusting, I know.
The doctor put me on a 1500 calorie diet, and prescribed me another antidepressant, along with a prescription appetite suppressant, which, unfortunately, isn't available on the market yet... I was so angry when I found out...
I know that 1500 calories sounds like a lot, but when you've been eating like I have for the past forever, it's difficult to reign yourself in and control your cravings..
Yesterday went kind of well, I was pretty hungry all day..
Meals were:
Breakfast: Water
Lunch: 6 oz steak with 1 cup cucumber
Snack: 1 cup raspberries and 1 cup cucumber
Dinner: 6 oz halibut with 2 cups spinach
Snack: 1 apple
I had to go to bed at like, 9:30 because I was afraid that if I stayed up any longer I would binge.
Today's meals have been planned as such:
Breakfast: Tea
Lunch: 6 oz chicken breast with 1 cup celery
Snack: 1 cup blueberries with 1 cup cucumber
Dinner: 6 oz steak with 2 cups spinach
Snack: 1 cup raspberries
And, while I am doing this diet, I am required to drink between 2 quarts, and 1 gallon of water every day. With which I have had no problem.
I can't wait until I have the appetite suppressants.
I can't wait to feel like I have to force myself to eat again.
I want you all to start posting more! I miss you all and feel so out of the loop since my little hiatus.
Keep strong, my lovelies!
XOXO
Thursday, July 12, 2012
HCG
I'm sure that some of you, if not all of you have heard about the HCG diet.
Whether you've heard good or bad things, I'm sure you've heard things.
I was getting my hair trimmed yesterday, and my hairdresser [also a very close friend of my family] was talking about the results she received after doing the diet.
She has gained back virtually no weight, and the weight she did gain back, she lost with a second round of the diet.
The basic protocol is that you inject yourself with between 125 and 200 i.u. of HCG every day, and while doing that, you eat a 500 calorie a day diet.
I've made an appointment to meet with a doctor on Monday about starting this diet, and then the following Monday, I'll begin the injections and diet, following the protocol exactly.
Most people tend to lose near to 1 pound of fat per day on this diet, so on a 40 day course, one could lose 40 lbs.
So, I'll keep updating until then, but around next Monday the 23rd, be expecting a full update with a concrete weight, not the estimations I've been giving. I'll hopefully update every day after that, giving my new weights, concerns and struggles, and also my successes.
I'm really excited to start this diet!
Wish me luck.
On a not so upbeat hand... 2 days ago, someone from my past [whom I'd been trying very hard to forget] showed up at my house...
He was [though I don't like to admit it] my boyfriend from 3 years ago.
He was extremely creepy and controlling and sexually abusive in ways I don't want to discuss.
I broke it off and told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, which caused him to follow me.. Driving past my house and parking down the street just to watch...
He had stolen all of my school pictures since forever, and after I broke up with him, I came home to find them lined perfectly vertically and in order by age in the crack between my front door and its frame.
He stalked me over myspace and text message to the point where I had to change my number and deleted my myspace...
And two days ago, he fucking showed up at my house expecting me to want to talk to him, expecting me to be excited to see him...
My friend answered the door and said it was for me. I stood up and began to walk over, and saw that it was him, and froze.
I couldn't move. I couldn't even go over to close the door after he'd gone...
He wanted to talk to me, and I told him I didn't want to talk to him.
I felt [ and still feel ] violated.
After 3 years, WHY would he show up here???
I broke down in tears and could not sleep that night, nor could I eat for the rest of the day.
And the worst part is that I actually cared that he saw me the way I look now...
He saw how comfortable and fat I've gotten with my new life without him, and I'm sure he just adored the fact that I've puffed up like a balloon...
And after 3 years, the progress I've made to forget that he ever existed, the music I could once again listen to, the conversations I was once again comfortable with, all crashed in the 45 seconds, during which he stood at my doorstep.
I leave the house afraid that he'll be waiting here when I get back, or worse, follow me wherever it is I'm going.
I don't like my boyfriend even going outside alone for fear that the creep-ass from the past will do something stupid and hurt him out of jealousy...
[which, if anything like that did happen, I would make it my life's mission to destroy the miserable bastard... If he had even one happy thing in his life, I would take it away. He'd better not fuck with the people I love, or he will be endlessly sorry. Jail wouldn't even be good enough for me. I would want to see him suffer for the rest of his pathetic life.]
^^^
See that, up there? I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time, and even just seeing him for that short period of time has opened up the wound which was so close to healing...
I had to vent that... Just needed to get it off my chest...
Anyway, I'll update on my HCG success/struggles/experiences
I love all of you.
XX
Whether you've heard good or bad things, I'm sure you've heard things.
I was getting my hair trimmed yesterday, and my hairdresser [also a very close friend of my family] was talking about the results she received after doing the diet.
She has gained back virtually no weight, and the weight she did gain back, she lost with a second round of the diet.
The basic protocol is that you inject yourself with between 125 and 200 i.u. of HCG every day, and while doing that, you eat a 500 calorie a day diet.
I've made an appointment to meet with a doctor on Monday about starting this diet, and then the following Monday, I'll begin the injections and diet, following the protocol exactly.
Most people tend to lose near to 1 pound of fat per day on this diet, so on a 40 day course, one could lose 40 lbs.
So, I'll keep updating until then, but around next Monday the 23rd, be expecting a full update with a concrete weight, not the estimations I've been giving. I'll hopefully update every day after that, giving my new weights, concerns and struggles, and also my successes.
I'm really excited to start this diet!
Wish me luck.
On a not so upbeat hand... 2 days ago, someone from my past [whom I'd been trying very hard to forget] showed up at my house...
He was [though I don't like to admit it] my boyfriend from 3 years ago.
He was extremely creepy and controlling and sexually abusive in ways I don't want to discuss.
I broke it off and told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, which caused him to follow me.. Driving past my house and parking down the street just to watch...
He had stolen all of my school pictures since forever, and after I broke up with him, I came home to find them lined perfectly vertically and in order by age in the crack between my front door and its frame.
He stalked me over myspace and text message to the point where I had to change my number and deleted my myspace...
And two days ago, he fucking showed up at my house expecting me to want to talk to him, expecting me to be excited to see him...
My friend answered the door and said it was for me. I stood up and began to walk over, and saw that it was him, and froze.
I couldn't move. I couldn't even go over to close the door after he'd gone...
He wanted to talk to me, and I told him I didn't want to talk to him.
I felt [ and still feel ] violated.
After 3 years, WHY would he show up here???
I broke down in tears and could not sleep that night, nor could I eat for the rest of the day.
And the worst part is that I actually cared that he saw me the way I look now...
He saw how comfortable and fat I've gotten with my new life without him, and I'm sure he just adored the fact that I've puffed up like a balloon...
And after 3 years, the progress I've made to forget that he ever existed, the music I could once again listen to, the conversations I was once again comfortable with, all crashed in the 45 seconds, during which he stood at my doorstep.
I leave the house afraid that he'll be waiting here when I get back, or worse, follow me wherever it is I'm going.
I don't like my boyfriend even going outside alone for fear that the creep-ass from the past will do something stupid and hurt him out of jealousy...
[which, if anything like that did happen, I would make it my life's mission to destroy the miserable bastard... If he had even one happy thing in his life, I would take it away. He'd better not fuck with the people I love, or he will be endlessly sorry. Jail wouldn't even be good enough for me. I would want to see him suffer for the rest of his pathetic life.]
^^^
See that, up there? I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time, and even just seeing him for that short period of time has opened up the wound which was so close to healing...
I had to vent that... Just needed to get it off my chest...
Anyway, I'll update on my HCG success/struggles/experiences
I love all of you.
XX
Monday, July 9, 2012
Updates, Comment Replies, and New Goals
So, I'm a complete dumbass...
The raspberry ketone order that I was so freaked out about not receiving had actually come in the mail about three days ago, and I was told that it had arrived, I just forgot... Wow.
I feel like even more of a dumbass, because last night, I went on someone's blog who was having trouble with night-time bingeing, I gave her some advice that normally helps me.
It was around 1 in the morning when I posted the comment, and around 1:30, I decided to go to bed.
When I got to my room, the paddle for the PS3 was dying, so I got up to charge it and passed the cedar chest in which my boyfriend keeps his junkfood stash.
As I mentioned yesterday, he had bought a dozen doughnuts and had them in that cedar chest. In an attempt to make a healthier choice, I came upstairs and made a wrap-like thing with turkey, hummus, and vegan cheese, and a pickle. I ate that, but because I'm stupid and weak, the doughnuts were still a temptation, and I had two... TWO!!!
So now, I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world for giving someone advice that I wasn't willing to follow myself.
I'm going to try to do a mostly-protein diet now, because all protein didn't work out so very well for me. And because I'm already taking raspberry ketones, I'm consuming ketones, and I want to put my body into ketosis as well, so I can get the optimum results. And don't worry. As most of you may know, I'm a research junkie. So when I find a new diet that I want to try, or an object I might want to buy, I research the shit out of it. So with respect to ketosis, I know all the risks, and I'll make sure that I don't take it into ketoacidosis (for those of you who aren't ketosis info privvy, there are two types of ketoacidosis, Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and Starvation Ketoacidosis. The latter is the one we'd be the most concerned about. The starvation part puts your body into a state of acidosis, and the ketones come from not consuming carbohydrates. This only happens if you're completely fasting, and I'm not fasting)
I told you yesterday, that Boyfriend and I are planning a trip for next weekend, and that I'd like to be at least 5 lbs lighter by then, this is how I plan to do it.
----------------------------------------------------
Comment Reply:
"I wish people could learn how to raise their damn kids! I'm sorry, but I have a cat (huge animal lover) and can't stand it when kids have no respect for her. I am sorry about your sister. Mine is also hard to deal with because ever since she moved away she doesn't really talk to me anymore. And as for the junk food... terrible. I can't have as much though because of the gluten. I like your blog and hope to hear more from you! I will definitely update on the new diet plan. Stay strong xx
All my support,
<3 A Fragile Heart"
Fragile Heart, I am an insane animal lover too, probably too insane since I get angry at anyone who so much kills a spider in front of me. And I totally understand that, My cat isn't too fond of the kid either, and since cats are so smart, she has learned to simply stay away from him. I'm not gonna say that you're lucky to have a gluten problem, but I wish I had medical limitations like that, simply because it seems to be a lot easier for me to say no if I'm told no first.
I'm stoked to see how your diet plan works out, and I wish you the best!!
----------------------------------------------------
Well, loves, I'm going to make myself a breakfast of egg whites and tuna fish.
I love you all!
XOXO
The raspberry ketone order that I was so freaked out about not receiving had actually come in the mail about three days ago, and I was told that it had arrived, I just forgot... Wow.
I feel like even more of a dumbass, because last night, I went on someone's blog who was having trouble with night-time bingeing, I gave her some advice that normally helps me.
It was around 1 in the morning when I posted the comment, and around 1:30, I decided to go to bed.
When I got to my room, the paddle for the PS3 was dying, so I got up to charge it and passed the cedar chest in which my boyfriend keeps his junkfood stash.
As I mentioned yesterday, he had bought a dozen doughnuts and had them in that cedar chest. In an attempt to make a healthier choice, I came upstairs and made a wrap-like thing with turkey, hummus, and vegan cheese, and a pickle. I ate that, but because I'm stupid and weak, the doughnuts were still a temptation, and I had two... TWO!!!
So now, I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world for giving someone advice that I wasn't willing to follow myself.
I'm going to try to do a mostly-protein diet now, because all protein didn't work out so very well for me. And because I'm already taking raspberry ketones, I'm consuming ketones, and I want to put my body into ketosis as well, so I can get the optimum results. And don't worry. As most of you may know, I'm a research junkie. So when I find a new diet that I want to try, or an object I might want to buy, I research the shit out of it. So with respect to ketosis, I know all the risks, and I'll make sure that I don't take it into ketoacidosis (for those of you who aren't ketosis info privvy, there are two types of ketoacidosis, Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and Starvation Ketoacidosis. The latter is the one we'd be the most concerned about. The starvation part puts your body into a state of acidosis, and the ketones come from not consuming carbohydrates. This only happens if you're completely fasting, and I'm not fasting)
I told you yesterday, that Boyfriend and I are planning a trip for next weekend, and that I'd like to be at least 5 lbs lighter by then, this is how I plan to do it.
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Comment Reply:
"I wish people could learn how to raise their damn kids! I'm sorry, but I have a cat (huge animal lover) and can't stand it when kids have no respect for her. I am sorry about your sister. Mine is also hard to deal with because ever since she moved away she doesn't really talk to me anymore. And as for the junk food... terrible. I can't have as much though because of the gluten. I like your blog and hope to hear more from you! I will definitely update on the new diet plan. Stay strong xx
All my support,
<3 A Fragile Heart"
Fragile Heart, I am an insane animal lover too, probably too insane since I get angry at anyone who so much kills a spider in front of me. And I totally understand that, My cat isn't too fond of the kid either, and since cats are so smart, she has learned to simply stay away from him. I'm not gonna say that you're lucky to have a gluten problem, but I wish I had medical limitations like that, simply because it seems to be a lot easier for me to say no if I'm told no first.
I'm stoked to see how your diet plan works out, and I wish you the best!!
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Well, loves, I'm going to make myself a breakfast of egg whites and tuna fish.
I love you all!
XOXO
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Out of Control...
As the title suggests, my life is becoming completely and totally out of control. I cannot do anything to change my circumstances, because they all revolve around everyone except me.
Yes, I know how conceited and self-centered that sounds, but just listen... or read in your case.
My sister has completely changed. I can't say much with respect to that, just in case she decides to read my blog and sees some truths she might not like.
One of my dogs bit my friends baby today, and, since I'm not the parent of the child, I can't do anything about disciplining him against stepping on my dogs, or hitting me, and hitting my dogs. So I pretty much am expected to allow her to parent her child any way she wants, which would be understandable, if they weren't living in my house, where my dogs live. Her kid likes to slap the dogs, and he uses them as stepping stools, and because her dog is okay with being stepped on, he thinks its okay to step on everyone's dog. My dog is not okay with being stepped on, and so he bit the child. I would have done the same thing if someone stepped on me. But I'm expected to be angry at my dog for something that was her kid's fault.
These are only two of the circumstances that I'm stressed about, there would be more to that paragraph, but since I can't go into detail regarding my sister, there is not.
I wish I never would have shown her my blog, or helped her to make hers, because now, she can see everything I write.
I bought a new journal today, and have yet to write in it.
I've received one of my raspberry ketone orders, but the other is still M.I.A.
I haven't weighed, but since I ended the juice fast, I have resumed eating terribly.
My boyfriend and I are going on a trip next weekend, where to, we haven't decided, but I want to be at least 5 lbs lighter by then... I don't think that's too much to ask.
He also continues to indulge in his love of junk food, of which he always buys enough for me to have some too.... Which, bless his heart, but I wish he wouldn't. If he only bought enough for himself, I would have an easier time saying no. He bought a dozen doughnuts day before yesterday, of which I've had two...
I'll blog again later, I just wanna check on that raspberry ketone order.
XOXO
Yes, I know how conceited and self-centered that sounds, but just listen... or read in your case.
My sister has completely changed. I can't say much with respect to that, just in case she decides to read my blog and sees some truths she might not like.
One of my dogs bit my friends baby today, and, since I'm not the parent of the child, I can't do anything about disciplining him against stepping on my dogs, or hitting me, and hitting my dogs. So I pretty much am expected to allow her to parent her child any way she wants, which would be understandable, if they weren't living in my house, where my dogs live. Her kid likes to slap the dogs, and he uses them as stepping stools, and because her dog is okay with being stepped on, he thinks its okay to step on everyone's dog. My dog is not okay with being stepped on, and so he bit the child. I would have done the same thing if someone stepped on me. But I'm expected to be angry at my dog for something that was her kid's fault.
These are only two of the circumstances that I'm stressed about, there would be more to that paragraph, but since I can't go into detail regarding my sister, there is not.
I wish I never would have shown her my blog, or helped her to make hers, because now, she can see everything I write.
I bought a new journal today, and have yet to write in it.
I've received one of my raspberry ketone orders, but the other is still M.I.A.
I haven't weighed, but since I ended the juice fast, I have resumed eating terribly.
My boyfriend and I are going on a trip next weekend, where to, we haven't decided, but I want to be at least 5 lbs lighter by then... I don't think that's too much to ask.
He also continues to indulge in his love of junk food, of which he always buys enough for me to have some too.... Which, bless his heart, but I wish he wouldn't. If he only bought enough for himself, I would have an easier time saying no. He bought a dozen doughnuts day before yesterday, of which I've had two...
I'll blog again later, I just wanna check on that raspberry ketone order.
XOXO
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Juice Fast Fail
I'm a total wimp.
I made it through almost three days straight, but I became SO sick.
I couldn't move without feeling like throwing up, and I couldn't juice quick enough to keep my blood sugar up. I was in pain and nauseous and grumpy as hell.
I've been eating pretty healthily since then, though... I'm making brown rice, with vegan cheese and black beans right now, just to get me through this morning.
I don't want to eat anymore. I just feel so disgusting all the time..
I ordered some Raspberry Ketone pills over the internet a few days ago, and so I'm waiting for those to get here. When they do, I'm thinking of doing the All protein thing again. Just because, since I'll be taking ketones anyway, I might as well put my body there naturally, by not eating carbs.
Getting off the juice fast was a big mistake, and I know it... I weighed with my clothes on the other day, and the scale read 201.4.. I don't really know how much I weigh for sure, just since I didn't weigh myself nude, and I have no idea how much my clothes weigh. My guess would be that I'm somewhere around 197-198
I hate this... I was doing so well before I stopped restricting, losing consistently, but then I broke down and ate and look where I am now... 20 lbs more than I was one year ago and so fucking frustrated that I want to throw myself through a wall.
I can't do this anymore... I'm so sick of looking at myself the way I am now, but whenever I try to do a diet, I am too weak to say no to the things that taste/sound good.
I want to read Wintergirls again, and fall back into my calorie counting.
I'm so fucking fat that I don't have the energy to exercise anymore... I know I need to just do it and get it over with, but it's literally becoming difficult to even get out of bed in the morning.. I didn't even come out of my room until noon today. I just laid there, and debated with myself whether or not I wanted to go back to sleep...
I NEVER had this problem before.. I used to be bothered if I slept even a minute past 9. I felt like I had wasted my entire day if I slept that late.. And now? I sleep till fucking 11 every day, if not later.
I need some serious motivation, guys. I can't live like this anymore. All my memories are starting to blur together of the past 2 years just because that's how long I've been focusing on losing weight, and so I've been focusing on nothing else.
My mom is home and I need to help with groceries. I have to go.
XOXO
I made it through almost three days straight, but I became SO sick.
I couldn't move without feeling like throwing up, and I couldn't juice quick enough to keep my blood sugar up. I was in pain and nauseous and grumpy as hell.
I've been eating pretty healthily since then, though... I'm making brown rice, with vegan cheese and black beans right now, just to get me through this morning.
I don't want to eat anymore. I just feel so disgusting all the time..
I ordered some Raspberry Ketone pills over the internet a few days ago, and so I'm waiting for those to get here. When they do, I'm thinking of doing the All protein thing again. Just because, since I'll be taking ketones anyway, I might as well put my body there naturally, by not eating carbs.
Getting off the juice fast was a big mistake, and I know it... I weighed with my clothes on the other day, and the scale read 201.4.. I don't really know how much I weigh for sure, just since I didn't weigh myself nude, and I have no idea how much my clothes weigh. My guess would be that I'm somewhere around 197-198
I hate this... I was doing so well before I stopped restricting, losing consistently, but then I broke down and ate and look where I am now... 20 lbs more than I was one year ago and so fucking frustrated that I want to throw myself through a wall.
I can't do this anymore... I'm so sick of looking at myself the way I am now, but whenever I try to do a diet, I am too weak to say no to the things that taste/sound good.
I want to read Wintergirls again, and fall back into my calorie counting.
I'm so fucking fat that I don't have the energy to exercise anymore... I know I need to just do it and get it over with, but it's literally becoming difficult to even get out of bed in the morning.. I didn't even come out of my room until noon today. I just laid there, and debated with myself whether or not I wanted to go back to sleep...
I NEVER had this problem before.. I used to be bothered if I slept even a minute past 9. I felt like I had wasted my entire day if I slept that late.. And now? I sleep till fucking 11 every day, if not later.
I need some serious motivation, guys. I can't live like this anymore. All my memories are starting to blur together of the past 2 years just because that's how long I've been focusing on losing weight, and so I've been focusing on nothing else.
My mom is home and I need to help with groceries. I have to go.
XOXO
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